Rude Me

I didn’t have to bring up the subject of her being at the event at all.  She brought it up herself during our chit chatting at the beginning of the session.  In fact one of the first things she asked me was, what was I performing in.  She said that she hadn’t seen me in a certain specific thing, did she miss seeing me do it? (sorry I have to be vague but because of the uniqueness of the thing I was doing google would pick it up in a moment).  So I told her I wasn’t in the event she was talking about but the one right after it (which was in the morning).  Because she asked me the first question I asked her when she was there.  Apparently she was there all day long except when she had to for a lunch date.  That’s when I did my late morning thing.  Whew.  I guess my eyes aren’t that good because I didn’t see her until near the end of the day.  She said that she had seen me participating in an afternoon event.  Oh I said while thinking in my head where’s my spidey sense when I need it.   The way she was talking it didn’t bother her at all that we were both at the same event at the same time.  I hate it when my head goes crazy about this kind of stuff.  Anxiety sucks.

I was curious though about one thing though.  I asked her why she didn’t come over and say hi to me.  I pretty much knew the answer but just wanted to hear it from her.  She said that ethically she can’t acknowledge me unless I acknowledge her first. I guess this is for several boundary type reasons.  She told me that she could get into trouble if she approached me first.  So maybe next time I see her at one of these things I’ll just go to her and say hi and spare myself all this anxiety about the situation.

Anyways I did tell her I saw her at the end of the day but I didn’t tell her how I felt about it.  I chickened out with that part. Sometimes I just hate admitting to her the stupid way my brain works.

After this conservation we got into talking about my parts.  She wants to write out each parts’ story.  She gave some questions to use as a guideline.  Ok, that’s sounds easy enough.  Well that’s when everything started to fall apart for me.  I will say here though that things felt off to me at the beginning of the session.  I’m not sure if it was me or her or that maybe both of us were having a bad day.  Sometimes I have a hard time understanding where some of this stuff comes from. Projection or no projection I don’t think it’s always only me.  Anyways it just felt ‘off’.

I started with what I figured was an easy nice part.  Well it wasn’t so easy.  Then a rude me starts to rear up and present itself in the session.  That is never a good thing.  Then I start dissociating.  And that certainly isn’t a good thing.

I’m not sure how to get through this process without all this interference that keeps rising up.  Now there’s a lot of talk going on in my head, not the least is the suicidal crap.

When the session was over I was entirely pissed off and I will project here and say that it felt like my t was somewhat pissed and frustrated with me as well.  But of course, I’m sure it just me.  I don’t like it when a session is like this but it certainly gives me lots to work on and makes it quite real just how much stuff is actually residing under the surface.

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6 Responses to Rude Me

  1. Lothlorien says:

    The ethical reason your T can’t acknowledge you is due to confidentiality. It her protecting your confidentiality when she does that. She’s respecting your privacy about the fact that she sees you as a client. However, if you approach her, you are giving permission of acknowledgement in that moment. Not that she would spill your guts or anything, but confidentiality extends to the bare minimum that you two even know each other and under what capacity you know each other. Some therapists will slightly acknowledge with a head shake, a smile, etc. But honestly if they are with friends and approach you, what dothey say to their friends when they ask,”Who’s that? How do you know her?” See how it’s a confidentiality issue? I have encountered this in therapy groups when I run into someone I’m in group with but that is easier to keep confidentiality because if asked,”How do you know her,” you can always say,” We met through a mutual aquaintance.” The mutual acquaintance being the T leading the group but you just leave that part out.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I can see what you mean. My t and I have some of the same friends but I don’t think these friends know that we know each other since I live out of town. I have been thinking about this and have developed a reason how I know her if it comes up.

  2. Just Be Real says:

    Oh dear one I could relate to being angry during and after a session. A lot of the time I could not put my finger on why. Usually it was something I thought I said that I should not of and then got angry at myself for saying it in the first place.

    Glad things got squared away regarding the event and that your t. was not bothered by you both being in the same place. So next time you may be a tad easier for you to know this if you show up again at a place of common interest.

    Proud of you dear one. Blessings and safe hugs.

    • lostinamaze says:

      If I remember right I did say something I thought I maybe I shouldn’t have and she seemed to have reacted to something I said. But I’m not sure if her reaction was intentional or not. Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s what.

  3. Harriet says:

    You don’t have to so sure it was just you. T’s have bad days too. But they can always blame it on projection, and make us feel that way too! It’s not fair, is it?

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this way. I know that they shouldn’t be bringing their stuff into the session but in all reality that must happen at times. After all T’s are human too. But it probably was all just me being too sensitive.

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