I didn’t have to bring up the subject of her being at the event at all. She brought it up herself during our chit chatting at the beginning of the session. In fact one of the first things she asked me was, what was I performing in. She said that she hadn’t seen me in a certain specific thing, did she miss seeing me do it? (sorry I have to be vague but because of the uniqueness of the thing I was doing google would pick it up in a moment). So I told her I wasn’t in the event she was talking about but the one right after it (which was in the morning). Because she asked me the first question I asked her when she was there. Apparently she was there all day long except when she had to for a lunch date. That’s when I did my late morning thing. Whew. I guess my eyes aren’t that good because I didn’t see her until near the end of the day. She said that she had seen me participating in an afternoon event. Oh I said while thinking in my head where’s my spidey sense when I need it. The way she was talking it didn’t bother her at all that we were both at the same event at the same time. I hate it when my head goes crazy about this kind of stuff. Anxiety sucks.
I was curious though about one thing though. I asked her why she didn’t come over and say hi to me. I pretty much knew the answer but just wanted to hear it from her. She said that ethically she can’t acknowledge me unless I acknowledge her first. I guess this is for several boundary type reasons. She told me that she could get into trouble if she approached me first. So maybe next time I see her at one of these things I’ll just go to her and say hi and spare myself all this anxiety about the situation.
Anyways I did tell her I saw her at the end of the day but I didn’t tell her how I felt about it. I chickened out with that part. Sometimes I just hate admitting to her the stupid way my brain works.
After this conservation we got into talking about my parts. She wants to write out each parts’ story. She gave some questions to use as a guideline. Ok, that’s sounds easy enough. Well that’s when everything started to fall apart for me. I will say here though that things felt off to me at the beginning of the session. I’m not sure if it was me or her or that maybe both of us were having a bad day. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding where some of this stuff comes from. Projection or no projection I don’t think it’s always only me. Anyways it just felt ‘off’.
I started with what I figured was an easy nice part. Well it wasn’t so easy. Then a rude me starts to rear up and present itself in the session. That is never a good thing. Then I start dissociating. And that certainly isn’t a good thing.
I’m not sure how to get through this process without all this interference that keeps rising up. Now there’s a lot of talk going on in my head, not the least is the suicidal crap.
When the session was over I was entirely pissed off and I will project here and say that it felt like my t was somewhat pissed and frustrated with me as well. But of course, I’m sure it just me. I don’t like it when a session is like this but it certainly gives me lots to work on and makes it quite real just how much stuff is actually residing under the surface.