I phoned my t twice last week. I couldn’t shake how I was feeling after last week’s session. This is the first time I have ever done that without first discussing it with her. I asked her if she was surprised that I called her. She said that actually no she wasn’t surprised.
I had decided that instead of pushing away how I felt, which is what I would normally do, I needed to face with her what I was feeling. The main reason I decided to do this was because I was quickly spiraling downward. The dissociation was out of control which I really hate and the suicidal crap was speaking loudly and on and on. For my own sanity I can’t start my break feeling like this.
During the week I decided to give the parts of me that had been stirred up by the last session a voice. I did this by writing out my thoughts. In my opinion they where quite whiny and because of that I threw away the pages that I wrote on. Then I thought better of it and pulled them back out of the garbage because if I threw them away, I would be stifling the voices anyway.
I also decided to bring them to the session. I only asked my t to read one of them. This led into our discussion of the last session. It took me awhile to tell her what triggered me. I hate confrontation. I fear the other person’s reaction. That is probably why I normally let things just pass without comment. It’s much safer that way. Anyway after a few false starts I finally told her about how one of her comments to me made me feel really bad about myself. This in turn sent me into extreme defensive mode which then manifested itself as rudeness as we started looking at my drawings. Or should I say a couple of particular drawings, my child ones. When I spotted them as were deciding which one we would start doing the story with I sort of lost control. Up to then I was able to keep the defensiveness under some sort of control. Our conversation last session went something like this.
I told her that I didn’t want to do (the story) the inner child because there is no inner child. My T made some sort of comment about me drawing them. I responded with “well I only drew them because that’s what you as a therapist would expect”. As soon as I said it I could have bitten my tongue off.
She said to something to this effect to me “If you are doing this because you think that’s what I want then why are we doing this?” I remember her asking me this twice. I just sat there and didn’t respond to her. At this point there was a lot going on inside of me, which of course I didn’t show on the outside. I think that I was rather stunned.
And of course everything including the dissociation just ramped up in me. And all I heard when she said this was ‘pee around with me and we’re done’. So hence the rough week.
After we discussed the first comment she had made to me, we talked about the above incident. She said that is why she wasn’t surprised when I phoned her. She knew that I had felt bad about what I had said. She also told me that when she said what she did I had gotten a frightened look on my face and immediately became withdrawn. I told her that I was now worried that if couldn’t control that defensive part she would end our relationship. She told me that was the place to lose control but she wanted to let ‘defensive’ me know that she wouldn’t play its games. She said that didn’t mean she would quit therapy with me, she knows that I am working hard at this. My t said that if I hadn’t brought up what had happened for discussion she would have.
Anyway it all felt kind of harsh to me at the time and I know that I tend to be overly sensitive to this kind of stuff. I am glad that I was able to discuss it.
At the end of this session my t asked me what I wanted to do with the thoughts that I wrote. I said that I didn’t know, just throw them away. But she had another idea. She has these little boxes that she must have just bought at a dollar store. She asked me to pick one. I picked out a plain-looking square one. I handed it to her and she put my thoughts in the box. She than asked me to put it in the drawer she has given me in her office. I know they will be safe there.