Head On

Every once in a while I test my agoraphobia and panic head on.  This is probably not the best idea in the world as it sometimes backfires on me but I tend to be a ‘lets just do it’ person.  I have no patience with what all the books say about desensitizing one self.  Besides it is hard to slowly desensitize yourself in a small town.  I have gone as far as I can here.  I still have big problems with box stores and malls.  None of which are in my town.  So to practice as the books suggest it would mean a lot more travelling on top of what I already do.  And I just don’t have the time for that.  Sometimes living in a rural area really sucks when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Once a year this area has a major event that has a parade, midway and such.  Within this event there is a major attraction that people from at least three provinces as well as people stateside attend.  A town of two thousand swells to a minimum of 40,000.  It is quite the spectacle for us locals.  I tend to try to avoid all the madness but decided this year to go for it.  I wanted to see if I could at least control my panic and agoraphobia.  I really hate having this disorder, it gets in the way of things that I want to do.  I also tend to be an all or nothing type of person.   Anyway I went to the place where this attraction was being held.  I wanted to see it up close and personal.  This meant that I had to enter a fenced in soccer field.  And nope, I wasn’t going to hang around a fence gate like I would normally do.   I sat in the middle of the field with people crowding all around me, like thousands of people.

Now, when I was wandering around trying to find a place to sit among all the sprawling bodies, I kept talking to myself.  ‘you can do this’ ‘you’re not really trapped’ ‘you can leave here if you need to’ ‘you are in a familiar place’ ‘just ride it out, it will pass’.  When I finally found a place to sit I started to look around.  I realized that it would not be easy to escape especially in the dark. Everyone was sitting or lying haphazardly all over the place.  I could feel the panic start to rise. With much effort I was able to keep myself from falling over the edge of no return.

After the event I was happy that I was able to make it through without bolting like a scared rabbit.  I won this battle, I just wish that I could win the war.

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5 Responses to Head On

  1. So pleased for you inamaze. I know how tough it must have been to ignore that rising urge to run…
    I also know what you mean about the war… I guess it’s one battle at a time (frustratingly).
    Well done on staying in it. Some run before they even get to the battlefield.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t but I sure like it when I can. It makes me sad because it wasn’t always like this. These days I take what I can get or should I say fight for.

  2. Pingback: Mental Disorders 101

  3. Harriet says:

    Good for you! It sounds like it was very difficult, I know the feeling, I can’t stand being in crowds either.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thanks! I guess there’s one advantage to living in a rural area…three people together is considered a crowd. I would have a very hard time living in a city.

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