Shut Down

Today ended up being a very busy day.  I took a half day off of work in order to fit every thing in that I had to do in the city before my therapy session.  I don’t like to take time off like that too often because no work equals no pay. The first thing I needed to do was some work related shopping.  There are some things that can’t be bought in a small town so if I have time I will do the shopping since I’m in the city at least twice a week.  Next I did some personal shopping.  I was glad to get the shopping out-of-the-way because I really don’t enjoy it.

Next up was my appointment with my pdoc.  Apparently he only worked yesterday and today.  Otherwise he has taken the month of July off.  It was a weird session, we didn’t really talk about much of anything. He was running late and seemed to be distracted.  He told me that he received the letter from my T about the break.  We discussed the abruptness of the break.  Other than that he didn’t say too much about it, he seemed neutral which is probably a good thing.  I didn’t pursue it with him because I didn’t really want to talk about it.  Then I found out why he seemed so distracted.  He is flying out to warmer climes tomorrow.  During our session he received a phone call from his son wanting to know when he could stop by the office to learn about the alarm system.  About the time I became aware of his distraction, which was before the phone call, I could feel myself withdrawing.  The phone call sealed the deal for me.   I wondered why I was there and I felt that me being there was a bit of an inconvenience to him.  He had other things he needed to get done before he flew out on his holiday.  At one point I told him that he could have cancelled my appointment if he was too busy.  Oh no he says, it’s alright.  I guess it depends on what side of the fence you’re on.

So my way of dealing with this is to withdraw, make sure life is all good and have a nice chit-chat about this and that, making sure nothing is about me.  Which, by the way, seems to be easy to do when the other person is distracted.  I had an hour appointment with him but at the 45 minute mark I told him that I had to go to my appointment with my t even though her office is only a few minutes away from his.  It was kind of funny actually, he stood up as fast as I did when I went to leave.  It was pretty obvious that he was glad that I ended it early.  Normally this doesn’t happen too often with him but even so I felt like it was a waste of time and would have preferred that he cancelled.  It just succeeded in making me feel bad and shut down.

Which I carried into my session with my t.  Thinking on it, this wasn’t hard to do since I only have a month left and I don’t feel that I should do anything too deep before the break.  I can feel myself starting to shut down my emotions surrounding myself within the sessions.  I’m not sure if this is good or bad but I do know that it’s protective.  Anyway I walked into my session feeling pleasantly numb after my appointment with my pdoc.

After some chit-chat we decided to talk about 3 of my good parts. We decided that we wouldn’t work on the bad parts of me until after the break.  I will need time to deal with the crap that will come up in letting the bad have voice.

Tonight I was able to discuss these good parts but from a distance.  She taped the parts to the wall for us to look at.  It was interesting to see them together.  There is a lot of movement in the drawings and it all has to do with different aspects of nature.  I discussed with her how nature gives me a sense of safety.  I love being in the wilderness alone.  I fear more in a city then I do in the deep dark forest.  But as I was talking to her I couldn’t feel connected to what I was saying.  There was no emotion at all and I find that rather bothersome.

I walked in her office feeling shut down and I left her office feeling shut down.  And I wonder what is really going on inside.

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8 Responses to Shut Down

  1. Harriet says:

    Oh, so difficult. I’m sorry your appt with pdoc clouded your appt with your t, it’s hard enough to be visiting t right now knowing the break is coming up. I don’t blame you for shutting down at all, but I know that feeling of frustration after a session and you’re thinking, “What was that about?”

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yes I was certainly thinking that. I have been trying hard to stay open but you’re right, the incident with the pdoc was just too much for me. I don’t know how to get over my sensitivity about that sort of stuff.

  2. inamaze, I can so understand that feeling of disconnection… the numbness… It’s a horrible empty feeling that it leaves you with and I can almost sense the feeling of ‘lostness’ in your post.
    I’m sorry that it all felt so meaningless with your pdoc. he usually sounds so good and it’s awful to be let down by someone you are trying/daring to trust.
    Hope yo cn keep writing durin the break but understand if you need to sit tight.


    • lostinamaze says:

      I have been trying to identify what I have been feeling in the last few weeks, nothing seemed to fit until I saw the word you typed. ‘lostness’. That’s what it is.

      I have wondered what I would write about during the break. But whatever it is I have decided that I will keep writing because this will be the only place that I will have to talk about my inner life. Not a single soul in my f2f life knows I am in therapy or even knows about what is inside of me. I know it sounds kind of pathetic but…

  3. Just Be Real says:

    Dear one so very sorry for what you are experiencing now with being disconnected. Here listening and supporting you always…..

    • lostinamaze says:

      Sometimes it seems that I take one step forward and five steps backwards. I am hoping that the disconnection won’t last as long as it would normally. But sometimes everything just feels so overwhelming. Thanks for listening.

  4. It’s troubling your P-doc would have arranged an appointment when he was so close to leaving. I would have felt the same way. *hug*

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m not sure why he didn’t cancel my appointment. I would have preferred that than the way his distraction made me feel. He also told me that his secretary had squeezed a couple of extra people in. I was the last appointment of the day and he was running late but that is not uncommon for him.

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