Today ended up being a very busy day. I took a half day off of work in order to fit every thing in that I had to do in the city before my therapy session. I don’t like to take time off like that too often because no work equals no pay. The first thing I needed to do was some work related shopping. There are some things that can’t be bought in a small town so if I have time I will do the shopping since I’m in the city at least twice a week. Next I did some personal shopping. I was glad to get the shopping out-of-the-way because I really don’t enjoy it.
Next up was my appointment with my pdoc. Apparently he only worked yesterday and today. Otherwise he has taken the month of July off. It was a weird session, we didn’t really talk about much of anything. He was running late and seemed to be distracted. He told me that he received the letter from my T about the break. We discussed the abruptness of the break. Other than that he didn’t say too much about it, he seemed neutral which is probably a good thing. I didn’t pursue it with him because I didn’t really want to talk about it. Then I found out why he seemed so distracted. He is flying out to warmer climes tomorrow. During our session he received a phone call from his son wanting to know when he could stop by the office to learn about the alarm system. About the time I became aware of his distraction, which was before the phone call, I could feel myself withdrawing. The phone call sealed the deal for me. I wondered why I was there and I felt that me being there was a bit of an inconvenience to him. He had other things he needed to get done before he flew out on his holiday. At one point I told him that he could have cancelled my appointment if he was too busy. Oh no he says, it’s alright. I guess it depends on what side of the fence you’re on.
So my way of dealing with this is to withdraw, make sure life is all good and have a nice chit-chat about this and that, making sure nothing is about me. Which, by the way, seems to be easy to do when the other person is distracted. I had an hour appointment with him but at the 45 minute mark I told him that I had to go to my appointment with my t even though her office is only a few minutes away from his. It was kind of funny actually, he stood up as fast as I did when I went to leave. It was pretty obvious that he was glad that I ended it early. Normally this doesn’t happen too often with him but even so I felt like it was a waste of time and would have preferred that he cancelled. It just succeeded in making me feel bad and shut down.
Which I carried into my session with my t. Thinking on it, this wasn’t hard to do since I only have a month left and I don’t feel that I should do anything too deep before the break. I can feel myself starting to shut down my emotions surrounding myself within the sessions. I’m not sure if this is good or bad but I do know that it’s protective. Anyway I walked into my session feeling pleasantly numb after my appointment with my pdoc.
After some chit-chat we decided to talk about 3 of my good parts. We decided that we wouldn’t work on the bad parts of me until after the break. I will need time to deal with the crap that will come up in letting the bad have voice.
Tonight I was able to discuss these good parts but from a distance. She taped the parts to the wall for us to look at. It was interesting to see them together. There is a lot of movement in the drawings and it all has to do with different aspects of nature. I discussed with her how nature gives me a sense of safety. I love being in the wilderness alone. I fear more in a city then I do in the deep dark forest. But as I was talking to her I couldn’t feel connected to what I was saying. There was no emotion at all and I find that rather bothersome.
I walked in her office feeling shut down and I left her office feeling shut down. And I wonder what is really going on inside.