The sandbox was in her office. My first thought was that she was using it with the client before me. And then I gave it no more thought as my t and I started chit chatting. She, as usual, asked me if anything had come up for me after our last session. I said no, not really. She made a comment that it was unusual for me not to have anything to say. I have thought about this comment since and I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to discuss much with her because of the upcoming break. I can’t get into anything heavy knowing that there won’t be any opportunity to process it in the time it can sometimes take me. I feel like processing the break itself is very overwhelming let alone anything else. (As you can probably tell by all my writing about it.)
After I told her that I didn’t have anything to say she said that she had something for me to do. ‘I would like you to do some sandbox work’ she said. It caught me totally off guard. For some reason I didn’t realize that the sandbox was for me. Maybe I am withdrawing in more ways than one. It is something for me to think about anyway. She also brought out containers full of small toys such as animals, houses, people, etc. Kind of weird I thought. I never really played with toys as a child.
My life is very much in many separate containers. Parts of my life never intrude on other parts of my life. It’s kind of hard for me to explain. I guess one general example is that my private life never crosses over to my public life. My public life is nothing like my private life. All the parts of me are very separate. My t wants me to try to change that. She wanted me to try to create with the sand and toys/objects of how some of the good parts of me could help with the areas that I struggle with. I decided to use my job as an area that I struggle with because I have lately realized that my boss is a big trigger for me. I have realized that she is so much like Wayne (father) and I am not coping with it very well.
It was an interesting exercise, some of which quite surprised me. I am always amazed at what comes out when I work in other ways besides just talking. What is even more surprising is that I don’t consider myself a creative person but it doesn’t seem to matter. It just works for me for some reason. I just needed to get over the fact that everything I draw or make looks kind of stupid. Stick men anyone?
I wasn’t able to figure out how I would be able to let the good/safe parts help out when I am being triggered. I will have to try to figure that out somehow.
My t wanted me to leave my sandbox arrangement so that she could take a picture of it. I think that I will get a copy of it.
At the end of the session we discussed how she would like to use the last three sessions to talk about and get ready for the break. We talked about my anger concerning the situation for a bit. She once again assured me that she was ok with it. I must admit my first thought when she said this was ‘Of course you are, it’s not you with the problem’. Not nice. But I realize that’s my anger talking. I know she really means that I can be angry and not worry that it will affect our relationship. That my anger is safe with her. All I really know is it will take me a long time to process what is going on. I so much don’t want to become bitter about it.
These last sessions seem surreal to me.