‘The abuse you endured was very bad, nasty and severe’, she remarked. It was? ‘It was?’ was my reply. That is always my reply.
I kind of staggered into her office tonight. My t asked me jokingly at one point walking down the hall to her office if she needed to carry me. I told her she might need to. I had a very busy weekend with work and to top it all off, I had an interesting adventure in my kayak yesterday. I got caught in a nasty storm on a large lake. I thought at one point that maybe my life would end by drowning. But after many harrowing minutes I was able to get to the shore until the thunder and lighting stopped and the wind calmed down so I could continue on my way. I didn’t realize until today how much this weekend took out of me. I wasn’t cancelling my appointment though, since I only have a couple of them left.
One of the things that has always haunted me and I may have mentioned this before, is why I didn’t tell my parents about a sexual abuse incident that happened to me when I was about five. I haven’t been able to wrap my head around this fact. My t asked me why I thought I didn’t go to them. No clue, was my response. She said that even at that age I knew my parents weren’t safe to go to. I told her that I had no memories to confirm that statement. She said that I might not have been aware cognitively but that I knew in other ways. She then asked me how my parents reacted to me if I went to them when I was sick. ‘Oh’, I said, as the dim light in my head grew slightly brighter. I find it strange that I can’t seem to make these connections myself. I know by that age I was quite detached from my parents in some areas maybe in most. I kept pretty much to myself.
I told her that I’ve been wondering lately if I am fixable. I know there are areas that I have been able to change but realistically, are there things that I will have to come to terms with and learn to work around rather than expecting freedom from?
And that’s when she said those words. This is not the first time she has said them. She has not said them often because she always gets a strong reaction from me about them. She told me that was my world from birth until I left home. It was what I had developed in emotionally. I asked her if it was possible to change what seemed to be hard-wired into my brain. She said some things could be changed and some things have already been changed in me and maybe some things might not be changed. My t said that I can’t predict into the future and say certain things can’t be changed. I think deep down I won’t be able to change some parts of me that have been developed in a traumatic lifestyle. It’s just stuff that I will have to learn to live with. I’m not sure if any of this is true but it’s something I’ve wondered about lately.
I think the biggest and hardest thing that I need to learn is to have compassion on myself particularly in the areas I might be stuck living with.