Wrapped Up

It was a very low-key session tonight.  But what else could it be.  She has a shelf in her office.  On it are a few ornaments and whatnot.  Tonight she pointed out to me that my clay symbols of anger that I did back in February were sitting on it.  It was in the drawer she had for me to hold my stuff.  Apparently it’s being cleaned out.  Anyway she asked me what I would like to do with these symbols.  At first I said to just throw them out.  She asked me if I really wanted to do that.  What else would I do with them.  She gave me a number of options one of which included taking them home.  So I decided to do just that.  Although I’m not sure what I will do with them.

There were a few other things in the drawer.  One was a poem that I had written to her.  I told her it was her’s so she could do whatever she wanted with it.  The other thing that was in the drawer is the box with the pieces of paper I put in it.  The pieces of paper contain what certain parts of me needed to say.  I told her that I didn’t want that in my possession, why can’t that stay here on the shelf or something.  She told me some sort of privacy thing.  I replied to her that my name isn’t on any of it so what’s the big deal.  She gave it some thought and said that she would keep the box on the shelf behind a stack of books.  I’ll take that compromise.

We talked about many different things.  We talked about my jobs and how I work so much.  Well I have to make a living.  I just picked up a casual job that pays way more than my full-time job.  So far my full-time job is willing to be flexible around the new job.  I also work two once a week jobs, two once every two weeks jobs and one job when I am needed.  Do I like to keep busy? yes.  Do I like to have time to think?  No.  I think that there are many reasons why I work so much.   I am realizing that by working constantly I can avoid myself. It actually works pretty good for me for the most part.  I also like a lot of structure in my life and work does that for me.  I also don’t want to be too poor.  It seemed that my family was very poor when I was growing up.  Although maybe we weren’t that poor.  But who knows, I’m sure all the money was spent on booze and cigarettes.  My t and talked about how I should take some holiday time.  I haven’t had holidays for over ten years.  I told her that I wasn’t sure what I would do with time off.

We also talked about the self-care that I needed to do during the break.  She brought out the words on colored paper that she had made some time ago and had pasted all around the room.  We went over each one and discussed it.  She is keeping them in my file along with my drawings of my parts and the pictures she took of my last sand tray work.

Now that I am writing this out it seems like this session was a trip down memory lane.

And then we chatted some more. Mostly about my siblings and my mother.  I was able to talk about this subject like I was talking about the weather.

It was a session about wrapping some things up and dealing with the objects of previous sessions.  And as I was driving home I realized that I had also wrapped myself up.  All the parts of me are safely back in their compartments hopefully not to bother me too much.  Any feelings are in a non feeling state. This may not be the best but I need to do it at this time.  I don’t know of any other way to separate myself from this experience that I know is way too overwhelming for me to handle at this time. (Even though I know I will be seeing her in three months time)

I just hope that I don’t become too unwrapped in my last session with her before the break.

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10 Responses to Wrapped Up

  1. Harriet says:

    😦

    How difficult. My heart is sad for you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I guess it is kind of difficult. But like every thing else I will learn to deal with this too. It will just take some time. I hope that I don’t sound too whiney about it.

  2. Just Be Real says:

    Yeah, sounds like a re-cap. I am so very sorry dear one. ((((lostinamaze))))

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think she wanted to go over some of some of the tools she has taught me and tie up some loose ends. I think I would have liked to have skipped doing the loose end thing though.

  3. One long journey says:

    You don’t sound whiney at all – this has got to be hard (probably for both of you – don’t you think?). It sounds like the recap of old things was probably good to do.

    OLJ

    • lostinamaze says:

      It’s harder than I thought it would ever be. I’m not sure how she is feeling about it. Maybe she will let me know on Tuesday. We will be exchanging some things.

  4. Was it awkward, when she was trying to give you things back that you had given her? Anything I’ve given to my T (just papers of things I couldn’t say) I’ve said to just keep it or throw it out – that I didn’t want it back.

    It’d be hard, I think, to give her something and then her give it back. Just my thoughts. How was it for you?

    • lostinamaze says:

      This is a good question and I have given it some thought. The closest I can come to describing how I felt was that I had my outside face on. I felt like I was two different people at the same time. As we were discussing the things on the inside I was feeling ‘well if it doesn’t matter to you than it doesn’t matter to me’. With much thought I realize this is how I reacted to some situations as a child.

      On the outside I was dealing with it just like business that needed to be wrapped up. I also told her just to toss whatever.

      I think I did find it very hard to deal with the things but I’m ignoring how I really feel for now.

  5. dmtorbi says:

    You sound ok but I also hear the sadness & loss. As I said in another comment (to your May post) I don’t agree with this policy. Anyway, if she keeps making you take breaks – it can have a negative effect on you – long term. But this is not advice. Just reflecting on what’s been done to me & what I know about others. (I’m 64 so have ‘been around’).

    • lostinamaze says:

      I have been wondering about the ‘break taking’ policy myself. I recently asked her how long the next set would be and she kind of avoided the question. I will have to make a decision based on what happens next. I don’t want to keep putting myself through this. It’s way too hard.

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