Last Session

When I walked into her office I felt higher than a kite.  My anxiety was working overtime.  Partway through the session I realized that I was talking almost non stop.  That happens when my anxiety has control of me.  Well, I either talk non stop or I don’t talk at all.  When I finally noticed what I was doing I made an effort to slow down.    This session actually wasn’t much different from the last few have been.  At first we did the usual chit-chat.  Then she asked me if I had thought of a date for me to return to therapy in November.  I told her not really as I have been extremely busy working.  I am working twenty days straight, some days from 8 am to 11 pm.  I haven’t had much time to think lately which suits me fine.

So she asked me if November 16th would be alright.  Of course it would be all right. I am so glad that she compromised on this.  When this break first came up she wanted me to decide when I would come back.  I told her that I couldn’t do it and after much discussion she said she would set the date.   So now I have a return date.

A few weeks ago she asked me what I would like to do at our last session.  She keeps a few different types of stones on her desk.  They have been there for as long as I have seen her. Every once in a while I notice one is missing.  I think on occasion she gives a client one for whatever reason.  At home I also have a little dish of stones.  I asked her if we could trade a stone.  This way I would have one of hers and something personal of mine would be in her office.  She thought that it was a great idea.  And so we exchanged stones.  It sounds a little creepy but it gives me some comfort knowing that something of mine is in her office and I won’t be forgotten.  And I will feel closer to her knowing that I have a stone from her office with me.  Weird I know but I really don’t understand it myself.

I also gave her a letter.  I wanted to express my appreciation and thankfulness for all the work she has done with me.  Even though I strongly disagree with this break I still respect her as a counsellor.  She has done for me what nobody else has been able to do.  I just can’t dismiss that.

She read the letter and there were tears in her eyes.  After she read the letter she put her hand on it and said “this is why I do what I do”.  She said that she was truly touched by what I had written.  She also said that she will really treasure it.  She said that she doesn’t often get feedback and really appreciated it.   I didn’t think that the stuff I had written about was that amazing, it was only the truth.  I had written about the good and the bad.  She said that she could see within the letter the journey we’ve been on together and her part in it but more importantly the progress of my journey.  I have to admit it kind of made me feel good but it also made me sad, for many reasons that I will probably post about later.

I had also asked her if she would make a recording of the safe place that we do when things are going badly for me and she actually did it.  Now I will also have her voice to listen to.  I think it will be something to connect me to what I have done over the last two years.  I know that I will be at loose ends for a while.

As I was about to leave she asked me for a hug.  That is the first time in our sessions she has asked that.  It was nice.  I left her office not feeling much of anything but I’m sure that won’t last.

I’m glad I have this blog….

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10 Responses to Last Session

  1. Hearing you loud asnd clear Lost… I cannot begin to imagine how hard this might be for you.
    Just to let you know I’m here. listening and thinking of you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I can’t hardly imagine either and so I’m trying not to go there right now. But I know that I will have to soon. Thank you for listening…

  2. While I know it must be hard to be putting therapy on hold, it sounds like you had a beautiful session to leave on.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It was a really nice session and I’m glad she participated in the exchange. It was an ending with some meaning for me. I found it really hard though because it meant the end for awhile.

  3. Just Be Real says:

    Oh dear one, I am so happy for you. Happy that your t. for a lack of better words, turned human to some degree. Asking for a hug is huge! I am so glad you accepted it as well dear one. I like the exchange of stones. So, glad you have a set date to return as well. Blessings to you dear!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I was surprised that she asked for a hug. Prior to that we hadn’t touched in any way at all. I think the exchange of stones was the most meaningful for me. I loved different types of rocks since childhood.

  4. One long journey says:

    Oh – it sounds so hard but also good. Please call on us all over the break. Your T sounds like a wonderful therapist. I’m interested that she asked for a hug. Like you – I’ve had no physical contact with my T – not even an opening handshake. The object and recording were nice ideas and I’m glad she agreed.

    Take care of yourself –

    • lostinamaze says:

      It was good but really hard. Now that I think of it I didn’t have an opening handshake either. I’ve always liked the fact that my t is open to thinking outside the box. It has made for some interesting sessions as well.

  5. Milo says:

    oh my goodness. your last session sounded so beautiful! good for you. I have a very special relationship with mine too. i think he is worth his weight in gold and diamonds.
    take care
    love always

    • lostinamaze says:

      It was a good session. I’m glad that you have a special relationship with yours. It makes all the difference.

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