Abandonment. The last letter from my pdoc to my family doc had this word in it. It kind of jolted me a bit when I read this. I hate seeing things like this written about me. My t has on occasion mentioned this to me but I find it easy to ignore the spoken word as opposed to the written word. Avoidance stops dead and thinking begins when I see what has been written about me. And of course the questions arise within me. Is this really the truth? Have they misunderstood me somehow. Have they mixed me up with someone else? Are they just making this up? Why do they think this? Why would I have abandonment issues as a child? And on and on it can go.
I am beginning to think that there may be some truth in it although I don’t know why I would experience this as an adult when I should know better.
In the meantime I have tried to figure out what happened in my childhood that would have caused this within me. Through therapy I have learned that a lot of my reactions to situations were developed because of my upbringing. Most times I find this hard to grasp. It was just every day normal living to me. But I guess it wasn’t all that normal.
My mother and Wayne (father) had a very violent marriage. The first time he left us I was 11 or 12 years old. I was in school when I was called to the principles office. I was scared because I had never been called to the office before. I couldn’t imagine what kind of trouble I had gotten into. When I walked into the office there was Wayne. He handed me 500 dollars and told me to tell my mother that he was leaving. He left with the words echoing in my ears ‘don’t you dare lose it. It is the only money your mother will have’. I was confused plus terrified of losing the money. The teacher offered to keep the money for me until the end of the school day. And so I did the dirty deed for him. He ended up coming back and leaving again at least three more times. Would that cause abandonment issues?
My parents would also leave us in the car in front of a bar or in a place like an ice arena to fend for ourselves while they went drinking. The good thing about being left in an arena was the vending machines. If we could coerce money from our parents we could eat. That was always a bonus. Would that cause abandonment issues?
After Wayne left for the last time my mother would go on weekend drinking binges. She would disappear Friday night until Sunday coming home falling down drunk. When I was in grade ten or eleven my mother decided to take off for a vacation on the back of some guys motorbike. I came home one day and she announced that she was leaving. At least she handed me some money for food before she took off. I think she was gone for about three weeks. I ended up having to quit school to look after my siblings. (I did go back to school the next year). Would this cause abandonment issues?
When I was about 21 years old I had left school to go to college. I came home for a weekend visit only to discover that the place that my mother lived in was empty. She and my bother had disappeared with no mention to me that she was leaving. I finally tracked her down in another province. She caused a scandal in town and decided to take off. Would this cause abandonment issues?
I’m not sure if any of these things would cause abandonment issues on their own or if it is all of them combined. Or maybe none of these things caused it. Maybe I just developed it for no reason. Like I said the above none of the above is abnormal to me. This is hard stuff for me to figure out. That is one of the reasons why I decided to write this out. If I read this about someone else…
I will have more thoughts on this later.