When my pdoc wrote to my family doc about my abandonment issues it was about my break from therapy.  When I read it my first reaction was pissed off and feeling very defensive.. I had told him how I felt about the break.  I was fairly honest to him about it but I know that I didn’t tell him anything about feeling attached to my t.   In fact I don’t think that I have even discussed this with my t in a forthright manner.  It’s always been discussed in round about ways.   My t and I would sometimes talk about how I felt when she went on holidays.  And I always needed advance notice if she was going to be away.  I know it isn’t always possible but I don’t always do well with the sudden “I’m not going to be here” scenario.  And from what I’ve written in the previous post, ‘not going to be here’ could translate in my non rational brain to ‘I may never be back’.

I guess that whatever I said to my pdoc about my break that made him say that I had this issue I would say that he is at least partly right. But I also think that my feelings on it don’t all have to do with abandonment issues.  My family doc agrees with me on this but that is another story.

To be honest one thing bothers me about this issue.  I’m pretty sure my t has known that I have had this problem from the beginning.  Even if we haven’t talked about my feelings of attachment toward her, we have talked about it in other ways.  We have also talked about how I felt about other people disappearing in my life.  I guess the thing that kind of bothers me is why we haven’t been trying to deal with this all along knowing that she was going to break for a time with me.  I wonder if she has tried but I have been resistant to it.  I know that I have been that way with other things.  Or I wonder if in some way that I didn’t recognize we were working on it. I don’t know.  I tend to be blind about this as well.

I find it ironic that I now have to work through some abandonment feelings without the benefit of a therapist.  I would almost think that a major issue such as this seems to be should ideally be worked out with the help of an expert.  But of course this is not an ideal world.  I’m not sure how I should do this on my own.  I’m pretty sure that I’m coping with it in the ways that I would have pre-therapy.  But I don’t know how to cope any other way.  Writing about it does help and bouncing ideas off of my internet friends certainly helps as well.  Without these two helps I’m not sure that I would be coping at all.  (And now I hear my t voice saying, remember all the coping skills I taught you. You can do it.)  Yeah but it doesn’t change the feelings inside.

My irrational mind tends to over ride my rational mind.  It’s a back and forth battle.

My irrational mind tells me things like, she’s going to move far away, she is preparing to dump you, you’re hopeless and she’s too nice to tell you, she doesn’t really like you, you’re too hard to work with, and on and on it goes.

I keep telling myself that I need to get a grip.  I’m an adult now and life happens. It is what it is and if something happens I will just need to move on.  She has no plans to do other than what she says she will do.  There is no hidden agenda (I hope).  So the battle goes when I give myself time to think about it.

At this point it doesn’t really matter what happened or didn’t happen in therapy.  It’s only my perspective on it anyway.  If I’m being honest with myself I need to say that I am attached to my t and I am feeling abandonment.

…did I just say that?

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11 Responses to Ironic

  1. Actually I think it is totally irresponsible and foolhardy of your therapist to take a break like this. I’d understand if she had a good reason for needing time off, but it isn’t (in my opinion) good practice nor is it beneficial for clients. I understand it might push some clients towards addressing attachment issues on their return – but I’m not sure it is a good or fair way of doing it! I’m pretty angry on your behalf. Grrrr.

    And well done for saying it 🙂

    • lostinamaze says:

      I actually would have to agree with you. In my obviously biased opinion I think it was a bad time to take a break considering where I was at in therapy.

      I also don’t think it will help me to address my attachment issues, I will probably be quite closed about it now. I think that it will take me a while to work this out.

  2. Well you are addressing them on your own, but I imagine that the break will have eroded your trust in therapist – meaning it will be hard to bring these things back into therapy once you start again. 😦

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’ve been wondering how it will be when I see her again. I quit bringing anything that would make me too vulnerable into the sessions the moment she told me about the break. Yes it will be hard.

  3. Lothlorien says:

    I really still have a difficult time understanding your therapist’s position on this. I hate to be critical of something I am not understanding, but it just doesn’t make any sense.

    Of course you are attached, and of course this triggers abandonment feelings. I am so sad for you that you are going through this.

    How long is this break for? Do you have an appointment scheduled for when the break is over?

    • lostinamaze says:

      Even though my t and I discussed it I still don’t understand myself. And it does make it all the harder because of the attachment. What bugs me is that the attachment seems strong enough at this time that I’m unwilling to look for other therapist even if it was recommended to me. I’m not sure how to break it.

      I have an appointment scheduled for Nov 16. Then who knows how long the next bit will be for. I will have to talk to her about that.

  4. Just Be Real says:

    This is so hard. I have always wondered if a t. dies all of a sudden. Who gets their clients. Who ministers to them their pain with the sudden death. This is what it probably feels like to you. Even though you are aware that your t. is going to be leaving for a while, and it is not as much as a shock, but a shock nevertheless. I too would hate to get involved in some heavy discussions knowing I would not be able to talk again about it for a couple of months. I am sorry you are experiencing this dear one. Truly am.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’ve wondered that myself on occasion. i always knew that therapy would end at some point sooner or later. It was a little sooner than expected. I wonder why it feels like an ending when it’s only a break?

  5. Harriet says:

    Well you know how I feel about this break. I have never heard of this happening, except in cases where insurance will only pay for a certain number of visits. I can see no way that this break is beneficial for you. I think if this happened to me I would immediately find a new t and hope to get attached to the new one before it is time to go back to the old one!

    • lostinamaze says:

      Unfortunately it’s not easy to find a new t here. I live in a rural area that for some things is in the back end of nowhere. Also I have no insurance and the organization that my t works for has a sliding fee scale. Of course I guess I could see someone else that works in the same organization as my t but what if I run into her.

      Having said all that, I don’t think I’m at a point where I could leave her just yet. It’s really hard to explain but I feel strongly (more than I ever thought) attached to her and I’m not sure how to un-attach that would be healthy and safe for me.

      It feels all very complicated to me. I wonder if I am somehow making it way more complicated than it needs be.

      • Harriet says:

        Oh I see. What a shame. It sounds like this t really worked out well for you in terms of location and fee. I’m so angry that she abandoned you though, without you fully understanding why!

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