When my pdoc wrote to my family doc about my abandonment issues it was about my break from therapy. When I read it my first reaction was pissed off and feeling very defensive.. I had told him how I felt about the break. I was fairly honest to him about it but I know that I didn’t tell him anything about feeling attached to my t. In fact I don’t think that I have even discussed this with my t in a forthright manner. It’s always been discussed in round about ways. My t and I would sometimes talk about how I felt when she went on holidays. And I always needed advance notice if she was going to be away. I know it isn’t always possible but I don’t always do well with the sudden “I’m not going to be here” scenario. And from what I’ve written in the previous post, ‘not going to be here’ could translate in my non rational brain to ‘I may never be back’.
I guess that whatever I said to my pdoc about my break that made him say that I had this issue I would say that he is at least partly right. But I also think that my feelings on it don’t all have to do with abandonment issues. My family doc agrees with me on this but that is another story.
To be honest one thing bothers me about this issue. I’m pretty sure my t has known that I have had this problem from the beginning. Even if we haven’t talked about my feelings of attachment toward her, we have talked about it in other ways. We have also talked about how I felt about other people disappearing in my life. I guess the thing that kind of bothers me is why we haven’t been trying to deal with this all along knowing that she was going to break for a time with me. I wonder if she has tried but I have been resistant to it. I know that I have been that way with other things. Or I wonder if in some way that I didn’t recognize we were working on it. I don’t know. I tend to be blind about this as well.
I find it ironic that I now have to work through some abandonment feelings without the benefit of a therapist. I would almost think that a major issue such as this seems to be should ideally be worked out with the help of an expert. But of course this is not an ideal world. I’m not sure how I should do this on my own. I’m pretty sure that I’m coping with it in the ways that I would have pre-therapy. But I don’t know how to cope any other way. Writing about it does help and bouncing ideas off of my internet friends certainly helps as well. Without these two helps I’m not sure that I would be coping at all. (And now I hear my t voice saying, remember all the coping skills I taught you. You can do it.) Yeah but it doesn’t change the feelings inside.
My irrational mind tends to over ride my rational mind. It’s a back and forth battle.
My irrational mind tells me things like, she’s going to move far away, she is preparing to dump you, you’re hopeless and she’s too nice to tell you, she doesn’t really like you, you’re too hard to work with, and on and on it goes.
I keep telling myself that I need to get a grip. I’m an adult now and life happens. It is what it is and if something happens I will just need to move on. She has no plans to do other than what she says she will do. There is no hidden agenda (I hope). So the battle goes when I give myself time to think about it.
At this point it doesn’t really matter what happened or didn’t happen in therapy. It’s only my perspective on it anyway. If I’m being honest with myself I need to say that I am attached to my t and I am feeling abandonment.
…did I just say that?