Over the last week I have started missing my sessions in a more intense way. There has been a lot going on in my life it seems. Learning a new casual job, upheaval in my regular full-time job and a friend who is dying. Most days I am ok but some days not so much. This is when I really miss having the sessions. But I also know that I will get by. I always do. I just wish that I had the support that I felt therapy was giving me. (Of course I could always try to find another t)
I was going through some papers the other day when I ran across the letter my t had sent to my pdoc and family doc. I had only read it when my t gave it to me. I haven’t looked at it since. Until the other day. I read it against my better judgment. I have written about what my take on the break is. And I will admit that it is probably really biased. I try to look at the big picture but find myself having a hard time doing so. But I do want to be fair and say that it’s obvious that my t and I don’t look at me in the same way. I think she sees something in me that I do not and I see something in me that she does not. If that makes any sense.
I have debated on whether to write out what’s written in it. (I’m a little paranoid that she will somehow see this because I do respect her. I hate for her to take all this the wrong way.). I realize that it is a professional letter written to another professional. And I need to remember that when I’m reading it. It doesn’t talk about all the discussion we’ve had about it. The letter is actually really bare bones.
So here goes…
I am writing to inform you that I have decided that it is appropriate for lost inamaze to take a therapeutic break from counselling for three months.
Lost inamaze began individual counseling with me 05/17/2008 and has attended several therapeutic groups prior to and during our time together. Through my recent assessment of her, I have seen continuous improvement in lost inamaze and would now like her to break from counselling for her to recognize these gains and build her confidence within herself. Lost inamaze has discussed with me that she does not agree with this decision as she feels she is at the point of “really wanting to talk about the big issues”. She further disclosed “I haven’t told you everything yet”. I have reminded lost inamaze that counseling is a process in which you learn and take that learning with you to help you along your journey.
This counselling will occur intermittently through out a short period of time. I have encouraged lost inamaze to contact blah Health Services if she requires long-term support/counselling.
Thank you….blah, blah
So now you know the rest of the story.
I know that I need to take this letter and read it in the context of the two years that I have been in counselling with her. But I think that I would have liked to continue the sessions while the ‘continuous improvement’ was happening and maybe take a break if I felt things had plateaued for awhile. Or at least felt more ready within myself (if that’s possible). But I wonder if I could be wrong with that line of thinking. I realize that every counsellor has their own reasons for what they do. And I’m fairly certain that she would only do what she thought was the best for me. (and maybe in the end it will be?)
When I read the letter again I had a pile of emotions rise up. Emotions that I would prefer to stay away. I’m not sure what those emotions are, I’m not sure what it is I’m feeling. But then again I’m also not looking too closely at them either. What I do know is that when I read this again I somehow felt bad about myself. I’m not sure why.
I would really like to quit whining about this. But I am having a hard time processing this. (as I’m sure I’ve mentioned many times before). I can’t seem to come to any conclusions.
For your sake and my sake I will really try to let this go. No promises though.