Therapy is a business relationship. Money exchanged for a service. In the beginning I’m pretty sure that’s how I treated my sessions. I arrived at her office, she would ask me some questions and I would answer mostly with “I don’t know” or I’m not sure”. Money would be paid and I would leave to do it all over again the following week.
In these sessions she would ask also me how I was doing and I would answer in my usual cheery, all is fine mode. I would try to contain my anxiety as much as possible but I don’t think I did a very good job of it. But still, through it all I would be my cheery all is well self.
At that time the only thing that I was investing in this relationship was my money and my time. I would talk about everything and anything that didn’t really matter all that much to me.
Business as usual. Except something happened somewhere down the line.
Therapy became a business relationship with a twist. Another dimension was slowly being built. In my everyday life I am involved in a number of business relationships. But in these relationships I don’t have any deep emotional attachments and so could walk away from them with not much problem at all.
As I started to trust my t and started interacting with her, it somehow became an intimate (did I just write that?) (well, maybe not that intimate, but as intimate as I have ever been face to face) relationship. Or maybe personal would be a better word? Personal on my side anyway.
As well as investing my money and my time I started to invest pieces of me. My answers to her questions became more than ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I’m not sure’. I started talking to her about things that mattered.
But unlike my regular everyday business relationships I seem to have a deep emotional attachment to the pieces of me that I have invested in this particular relationship. I guess what I am saying is that I started emotionally investing in this relationship. I also interact in my therapy relationship completely differently then in my everyday business relationships. And I wonder if this is why I have a hard time thinking of my therapy relationship as a business one. Business and intimate became entwined.
I have no clue how this relationship should work; I only know that it confuses me. In part I believe it’s because I’m very unsure of personal/intimate relationships in general which I don’t think is unusual.
Yeah, I pay for a service but to me it is a whole lot more. And so all the more harder it is to separate myself from it.