In my quest to try to sort out my confusing and conflicting thoughts about therapy, my attachment tissues and the abandoned feeling (which bugs me to no end) I decided to talk to another therapist about some of this stuff.
I had talked to my family doc about it and she thought it was a very good idea to do this because she said she hears a lot of frustration in my words. So she gave me the name of another t. I have actually heard of this t before and what I have heard has always been good. I actually considered this t when I was first looking for one. But her price for therapy is just way too much for me. But I plan on only seeing her for one or two sessions.
This is a huge step for me and as soon as I hung up the phone after I made the appointment I wondered what in the world was I doing? And when I hung up the phone I started to forget why I made it in the first place. Weird, eh? This made me realize that there will be a number of obstacles that I will have to plan for considering this will probably be a one time shot. I need to prepare to keep my defensive parts from taking over.
It took me about a year to finally start talking about the deeper things with my current t. With the t I will see in 9 days I will have to do this right from the start. I plan on writing everything out because I have this feeling the moment I walk into her office my mind will go blank and everything will miraculously be fine. I’m hoping the fact that I won’t be seeing her regularly will help me with this as well.
Writing about what is going on will also help me be coherent with my speaking and thoughts. I tend to ramble when I am extremely anxious about what I am doing. I think rambling is also a deflection type of behaviour thing that I do when I don’t really want to be talking about what I need to be talking about for whatever reasons.
Another reason I think it might be good to talk to another t is that it would help me know that there are other people out there that can help me. Somehow part of this attachment thing has put in my mind that my current t is the ‘one’ when there are other people out there that can help as well. I say this keeping in mind that there are many factors that play a part in this thought one of which is cost (unfortunately).
I hope that I am doing the right thing. I’m pretty sure the worst thing that could happen is that I will spend my money for nothing. At this point it’s a chance that I’m willing to take.
The better thing that could happen is that I will regain some perspective on what is going on inside of me.
And just maybe the best thing that could happen is that I can talk out loud about it and get it out of me even if no answers are forthcoming. And I have a feeling this is the real reason I have made the appointment.
I better start preparing now, it will probably take me the nine days to do so. Yikes!