Sorting it Out

In my quest to try to sort out my confusing and conflicting thoughts about therapy, my attachment tissues and the abandoned feeling (which bugs me to no end) I decided to talk to another therapist about some of this stuff.

I had talked to my family doc about it and she thought it was a very good idea to do this because she said she hears a lot of frustration in my words.  So she gave me the name of another t.  I have actually heard of this t before and what I have heard has always been good.  I actually considered this t when I was first looking for one.  But her price for therapy is just way too much for me.  But I plan on only seeing her for one or two sessions.

This is a huge step for me and as soon as I hung up the phone after I made  the appointment I wondered what in the world was I doing?  And when I hung up the phone I started to forget why I made it in the first place.  Weird, eh?  This made me realize that there will be a number of obstacles that I will have to plan for considering this will probably be a one time shot.  I need to prepare to keep my defensive parts from taking over.

It took me about a year to finally start talking about the deeper things with my current t.  With the t I will see in 9 days I will have to do this right from the start.  I plan on writing everything out because I have this feeling the moment I walk into her office my mind will go blank and everything will miraculously be fine.  I’m hoping the fact that I won’t be seeing her regularly will help me with this as well.

Writing about what is going on will also help me be coherent with my speaking and thoughts. I tend to ramble when I am extremely anxious about what I am doing.  I think rambling is also a deflection type of behaviour thing that I do when I don’t really want to be talking about what I need to be talking about for whatever reasons.

Another reason I think it might be good to talk to another t is that it would help me know that there are other people out there that can help me.  Somehow part of this attachment thing has put in my mind that my current t is the ‘one’ when there are other people out there that can help as well.  I say this keeping in mind that there are many factors that play a part in this thought one of which is cost (unfortunately).

I hope that I am doing the right thing.  I’m pretty sure the worst thing that could happen is that I will spend my money for nothing.  At this point it’s a chance that I’m willing to take.

The better thing that could happen is that I will regain some perspective on what is going on inside of me.

And just maybe the best thing that could happen is that I can talk out loud about it and get it out of me even if no answers are forthcoming.  And I have a feeling this is the real reason I have made the appointment.

I better start preparing now, it will probably take me the nine days to do so. Yikes!

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11 Responses to Sorting it Out

  1. Wow, what a brave and wonderful decision! I think this is a great idea, and you are thinking and preparing for it really well. I agree that in many ways, just being able to express your feelings about the abandonment is really important, so I hope that you are able to do this with the new t.

    thinking of you,


    • lostinamaze says:

      I hope that I can do this as well. This is something totally out of my norm. But I really do need to speak this stuff out loud. It’s driving me batty!

  2. Harriet says:

    So brave! I think you are doing the right thing, and I hope this will be helpful for you. It’s a great idea to write down your thoughts, I know for me it helps me stay focused and clear.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m not feeling too brave right now, rather freaked out by the whole idea. I know that if I didn’t write things out I’d probably just blab about nothing or sit there with my mouth shut.

  3. I think you are doing the right thing, too. It’s very bold and very smart. And I think it is going to be really helpful that you are preparing for the appointment the way you are.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I hope that I’m doing the right thing. Even though I am anxious about it the whole thing I really think I need to do this. Bold is right, how about feeling like I’m stepping over the edge. I’m hoping she will be objective with me about it even though what I have to say (in some small way) involves a t in the same smallish city.

  4. Just Be Real says:

    Kudos to you dear one! Glad you are preparing. Praying for a clear mind for you when you do go into session with her. That what needs to be said will come forth. Thank you for sharing this dear one. Big Hugs to you!

  5. Dear Lost,
    Thinking of you and hoping that your session is beneficial and more of a relief than a frustration. I’m glad you have written things down. I can so identify with that thing where your mind goes blank and you suddenly can’t think of a single valid reason why you are there. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism? I’m not sure, but I do know that I understand your reasons for preparing for that to happen.
    I hope that the T can be objective. If she is worth her salt, she will be able to listen and empatise with your experience.


    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m a little bit worried, well maybe a lot. But the written stuff will really help even if I have to read it word for word if ‘sudden’ forgetfulness takes over. I’m not sure why that happens either. Well, here’s hoping I can explain things clearly.

  6. Ellen says:

    Hi Maze,
    This is an interesting thing to do. As to the cost…what can you do, therapy costs money and it always seems too much. Just have to strike a balance as you are doing.

    I too would worry about blanking out, so writing it out is a good plan. Maybe trying to picture this woman as kind and gentle, a very positive presence would help. She most likely does want to help you, not judge you, or whatever the fear you have says. It may be good to counter act that with positive images / thoughts?

    I think if you have a strong feeling that you need to take a certain step, then you should do so, and things work out well if you can follow that instinct. I’ll look forward to an update…

    Take care, Ellen

    • lostinamaze says:

      I like the idea of the positive images/thoughts. Two things that surprised me when I phoned her. First that she got back to me right away after I left a message. I missed her call the first time and she called back a second time. The second thing that surprised me was the sound of her voice which I found very pleasant as well as her manner on the phone. I’m not sure what I was expecting but it became obvious to me, after our conversation, that is wasn’t that. Weird, eh?

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