Chirping Clock part two

As I sit in this office, our knees almost touching, I have this feeling that things are not quite real, something is wrong.  This is not her, who is this stranger I am about to talk to?  I shouldn’t be here, this doesn’t feel right.  I should be in her office with familiar objects surrounding me.  Instead I am in a strange place, nothing is recognizable to me.

And so I bring out my notes, four solid pages of writing.  I am determined to keep myself focused and on track in this place that didn’t quite feel real. After a bit of an intro about myself I start telling her what brought me here.

As I told her what had happened with my t she kept frowning.  (she did a lot of frowning)  At one point she interjected and said that I must have felt abandoned.  Much to my dismay I almost burst into tears when she said this.  This hardly ever happens to me so I’m not sure what that was all about.   I was able to control it with some effort but it distressed me that it seemed to happen so easily and suddenly.  It caught me off guard.  Ugh.  She told me what I was feeling about my t was perfectly normal and expected.

I let her read the letter that my t had sent to my pdoc and she frowned again. I asked her what she thought was being said in it.  Her take was that the agency (which she actually worked at about 10 years ago) doesn’t do long-term therapy and was pushing for me to be done.  She also told me what my pdoc had already said; trauma cases were always referred to the agency that my t works for.  So apparently everybody finds what my t said about that confusing.

She also said that there could be other reasons as well for the break.  Maybe my t has taken me as far as she can and this is how she is dealing with it.  Or maybe my t needs a break from our sessions.  In regards with this she said some therapists don’t practice self-care very well and it gets a bit much for them.  In my opinion though, I think my t looks after herself very well but that’s just my thought.

I asked her what so thought about long-term vs short-term therapy.  She said there has been a move towards short-term therapy.  She said that people with a CSA history generally needed longer term therapy.  Not always but generally that can be the case.  She said that eighteen years of abuse is not always resolved in two years.  Personally I wish that could be for me.  At this point I’d rather not see a therapist if I didn’t think that I needed to.

I also brought up a few points of how I didn’t think it was possible to see another therapist.

  • I said affordability was an issue for me.  The agency where my t works uses a sliding scale.
  • If I see another t in the same agency where my t works, what if I run into her?  It would be way too distracting for me.
  • I feel that I still have unfinished business with my t, if I quit seeing her now.
  • I know that there must be therapists out there that would work just as well for me but I feel so attached to her, much to my dismay and surprise

I asked her how I could un-attach but she didn’t really say.  She talked about the special relationship that forms between a therapist and a client and how a therapist  needs to be careful with it and so on and so on. I told her how I felt like I was going crazy over this. Then she said something interesting.  “Your therapist taught you how to say hello but maybe she has a harder time teaching you how to say goodbye”.   This has caused me to pause and wonder.  I don’t think that my t and I have really ever addressed the abandonment stuff plus the abrupt way she presented the break to me.  Well, maybe more than bothered me.

Then she said to me, “I can see that you feel that you have no choices”.  “I would like to tell you that you do have some choices”.   She said that if or when I was ready to change therapists she would be willing to take me on as a client. She told me that she works with trauma and has room in her practice for clients that need to use a sliding fee.  She asked me what I could afford and I didn’t really know what to say.  I hate taking advantage of people and so told her a figure that was still too high for me.  I guess if I ever decided to see her I would have to fess up to what I could really afford. She seemed really nice and I know people speak highly of her.

The session with this therapist was really full and I probably don’t remember half of what we talked about. But I think the most important thing I came away with was; if in the end it doesn’t for some reason work out with my t, there is someone else out there who is willing to see me and is willing to slide her fee for me.  Who knew?

Now if only I can un-attach…

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16 Responses to Chirping Clock part two

  1. Harriet says:

    This is great lost. I am so proud of you for first of all writing everything out, and second being so open and honest with new t. She sounds very promising, and maybe she would be able to help you through the loss of your t, if it comes to that, which I’m not saying it will necessarily. It must feel good to know that you do have options. Feeling stuck is a terrible feeling.

    When is the break over?

    • lostinamaze says:

      Strange how I seemed to be blind to any other options. I never thought that I could afford a private t and there is only the one agency that I know of in the smallish city. I guess time will tell where it will all lead.

  2. It seems like a good session, and at least gave you a chance to talk about how you feel – to process a bit. I’m glad that you had this opportunity 🙂

    • lostinamaze says:

      It certainly was an interesting session. I wonder if she thought I was weird. It did help to tell how I felt and get her opinion even though I still have the same questions about the whole thing. I just wish that I didn’t have to be doing this. I felt huge relief when it was over, didn’t realize how stressed I was about this session.

  3. Milo says:

    thank you for showing up at my blog place… I am so grsteful… i have been feeling really lonely
    thank you
    you are such a blessing

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m sorry that you have been feeling lonely. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. I myself have really, really appreciated the friends that I have made through mine and other blogs. take care.

  4. Lothlorien says:

    I have been away dealing with family issues, as I am pretty sure you are aware. I am glad to come back and see that you have found someone else that you feel you could work with. I agree that it is so hard to un-attach. I am still dealing with this a year and a half later after my previous therapist sort of ditched me. It hurts SO SO SO SO SO SO much, and try as I might, I can’t seem to pull away.

    I will say that I did go on to find another therapist, as you also know, and she has been really great. There are other people out there. In the end, it all has to be your choice, but I can see it IS nice to know there is someone else out there.


    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m glad that I was made aware that there are other people out there. I’m not sure why I thought there weren’t except for the fact that there never seems to be very many options in a small city. And sometimes I think that I have blinders on and can’t see the forest for the tree.

      I just hope that I can make the choice the will be best for me if/when the time comes and not let my attachment keep me in a unhelpful place.

  5. I’m sad and glad all at once Lost…
    I’m pleased you saw this woman. She sounds very good. She sounds like she feels things which part of you is so frightened to feel…
    I understand that SO much.
    Please consider telling her the truth abouta realistic amount…
    I think unattaching is ok if you have something to go TO…

    Thinking of you and listening.


    • lostinamaze says:

      Yes, she caught me somewhat off guard with some of her comments. I hope that I can un-attach when it becomes necessary to but I’m not so sure, it feels so strong. 😦

  6. I could not un-attach until I had attached to someone new (because of the little one). I am glad you went and can feel that there are choices and possibilities. It’s hard not to know what will happen, but at least there are choices. Sometimes even just thinking about the fact that choices exist can make me feel at least a little bit better when I’m in a crunch. I hope it can give you some hope, too.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I know I felt relief when I realized that there are some other possibilities out there. Everything seems like it is in limbo right now. And now I’m dreading my first appointment back. But I do feel a little better knowing that I can still get help depending on how it works out with my current therapist. Although I’m not feeling too trustful these days.

  7. oh Lost…

    I so much hpe that you can…
    … but i also understand far more than i can say.


  8. Did I mention it took me a year to attach to the new guy well enough to un-attach from the other? But I think I might be just… I don’t know… a little bit of a baby sometimes or something. Plus, that’s just me and you will find the way that is right for you. I can tell that you will. You seem very organized and thoughtful about what might be best for you. I understand the dread, though. Oh, yeah. I sure do.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I can see how that would be. If it comes down to it, it will probably be similar for me. But I don’t think you’re being a baby. I think that’s it’s just really hard. I never knew just how hard. I have being trying to do what is best for me but it seems more often then not it doesn’t seem to work. At least some days it seems that way to me.

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