I wonder about this attachment thing I seem to have going on in my life. Well not seem, but have.
Shortly after I started seeing my pdoc and before I started seeing my current t he told me that I had attachment and abandonment issues. I didn’t really give this much thought at the time. I really didn’t even know what he was talking about.
I have never really researched these issues. Never really wanted to look too closely at them.
How could I have attachment issues anyway, I’ve never really attached to anyone. And certainly don’t remember being attached to anyone as a child. I was always a loner type. And I certainly was de-attached from my parents. For many reasons.
I might have a wee bit of an abandonment problem but nothing that I haven’t been able to handle on my own before. It didn’t bother me too much when either one or both of my parents would disappear, did it?
And don’t you have to be attached to feel abandoned?
And then I was told that I would be having a break from therapy. Wham! Now I know what he meant about having abandonment issues. Did I feel this when my mother would disappear? Actually I don’t recall ever feeling like this when that happened. Maybe I had more skill back then in making it not so.
But the attachment stuff I still don’t really understand. I’m not sure how I became attached to my t in the first place except maybe in letting her into my life a wee bit in a personal way.
But seriously this feels more like an obsession. I feel like I’m obsessed with my t. She is in my head way more than I would like. Nobody should be allowed to live there as much as she does these days. I feel like banging my head against a wall. Out! Out! damn spot!
It reminds me of the time when I quit smoking. When I started thinking about quitting I would just start smoking more. I would obsess about it. I think the reason was I wasn’t quite ready to quit yet. When I was ready I just quit. It wasn’t easy but I was able to do it without being excessively obsessive about it.
I’m not sure how attachments work and now I wonder if I can even form a normal attachment. Whatever that would look like. And can I possibility do so if I never had a normal attachment growing up? Because really what would that look like?
Right now I am trying to figure out that if I end up seeing another therapist how can I prevent becoming attached/obsessed and still be able to get ahead in therapy. And if I continue with my current t how can I make it a normal attachment.
And what’s this obsessive part about anyway?
Is any of this stuff even normal? I kind of feel like a freak…
I know too many questions. Maybe I should do some research or would that just confuse me more?