In my job I read a lot of info about other people. Most of it is public knowledge, some of it well-known, some obscure. And I’m pretty sure some of this knowledge are skeletons in people’s closets. Then there are the people I deal with that didn’t even have a clue that these things were a part of their family history.
On occasion I even find a piece of info about myself. This time though, the info I read threw me for a loop.
I only know loosely the ages I was when certain abuses happened to me. Mostly I don’t remember at all. I find this very frustrating but there is nothing I can do about it. Try as I might I just can’t remember.
But I was pretty certain of my age when I was being abused by a particular man. I was sixteen years old. That age was set in my mind. And besides I should know that, since I was by that time old enough to remember details like that.
That is until I read this piece of info about myself. Turns out I was fourteen when I was being abused by this particular man. Obviously my memory is faulty in that area.
What’s the difference if I was fourteen or sixteen? Maybe the difference is that at one age I am still a (sort of) child and the other age a (sort of) adult. What bothers me about that?
Finding out that I was fourteen at that particular time raises the question that maybe I was younger than I thought when the sexual crap (and all the other crap) started happening and kept happening until I was eighteen (but now maybe I’m wrong about that as well). I do know that it started happening before I started going to school but at what age? What does it matter what age I was when anything happened?
I’m not sure why but finding out that I was younger than what I thought I was at that time really, really bothers me.
And that leads me to wonder if what happened to me (what I can remember) actually happened.