I walk into a strange place. Something is different. Then I noticed that the walls are bare. I comment on it and she tells me that the walls were painted a few days ago. She just got back from a two-week holiday and she hasn’t gotten around to putting her pictures back up. She says that she kind of likes the bare walls.
I walk into the room and see a stranger but somehow familiar. It’s my t but something is different. There has been a shift somehow. I will learn what part of this might be at the end of the session.
She asks what is going on in my life since I last seen her. And so I spend the first half hour catching her up. A lot has happened and the words tumble out of me a little out of control. Anxiety sometimes does that to me.
Then the question is asked. So…what has come out of this break for you? I look at her for a long moment deciding what I should actually say. Then I take a halting, stuttering leap.
“There have been times when my pdoc has told me that I have attachment/abandonment issues. I have never given it much thought and in fact never really believed him until this break. And now I can’t believe how big of an issue it really is. These three months really sucked big time. I find it hard to swallow that I even have these issues. “
“So do you think this is something we should work on” she says. I am reluctant to answer her. But after some discussion I finally say yes. I can’t go on this way but I fear to take this path. Why, I’m not sure. No I lie, for I feel this will be one of the most vulnerable paths that I will ever walk. (either with her or someone else)
“I think this will be good to work on” she says. And she gives some of the reasons why. “You can’t be in therapy with me forever” “This will end some day” “You can’t be dependent on me” etc, etc.” She has a way of saying how it is. Mostly I appreciate it, but I don’t really appreciate when she says stuff like this. I know it’s the truth and I know she doesn’t want me to be dependent but, I don’t know, those words, they do something in me that I haven’t figured out yet.
The only reason I want to work on this issue is that I can’t live like this. These feelings are too overwhelming. And you know what, I do want to be able to leave her if necessary, to be able to see someone else if it comes to that. At this time there is a part of me that is not able to.
next: part three