Back to Therapy part two

I walk into a strange place.  Something is different.  Then I noticed that the walls are bare.  I comment on it and she tells me that the walls were painted a few days ago.  She just got back from a two-week holiday and she hasn’t gotten around to putting her pictures back up.  She says that she kind of likes the bare walls.

I walk into the room and see a stranger but somehow familiar.  It’s my t but something is different.  There has been a shift somehow.  I will learn what part of this might be at the end of the session.

She asks what is going on in my life since I last seen her.  And so I spend the first half hour catching her up.  A lot has happened and the words tumble out of me a little out of control.  Anxiety sometimes does that to me.

Then the question is asked.  So…what has come out of this break for you?  I look at her for a long moment deciding what I should actually say.  Then I take a halting, stuttering leap.

“There have been times when my pdoc has told me that I have attachment/abandonment issues.  I have never given it much thought and in fact never really believed him until this break.  And now I can’t believe how big of an issue it really is.  These three months really sucked big time.  I find it hard to swallow that I even have these issues. “

“So do you think this is something we should work on” she says.  I am reluctant to answer her.  But after some discussion I finally say yes.  I can’t go on this way but I fear to take this path.  Why, I’m not sure.  No I lie, for I feel this will be one of the most vulnerable paths that I will ever walk.  (either with her or someone else)

“I think this will be good to work on” she says.  And she gives some of the reasons why. “You can’t be in therapy with me forever” “This will end some day”  “You can’t be dependent on me” etc, etc.”  She has a way of saying how it is.  Mostly I appreciate it, but I don’t really appreciate when she says stuff like this.  I know it’s the truth and I know she doesn’t want me to be dependent but, I don’t know, those words, they do something in me that I haven’t figured out yet.

The only reason I want to work on this issue is that I can’t live like this.  These feelings are too overwhelming.  And you know what, I do want to be able to leave her if necessary, to be able to see someone else if it comes to that.  At this time there is a part of me that is not able to.

next: part three

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This entry was posted in Abandonment, Anxiety, Attachment, Therapist, Therapy, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Back to Therapy part two

  1. Just Be Real says:

    I am so glad you said “yes” to her question on working on this issue of abandonment. I can imagine how the fear of abandonment is hard on you dear one. It will not be easy, but yes it can be done. I certainly understand the feelings of being overwhelmed. Maybe not as strong as you in this area, but in other areas. I am always here listening to you dear one. And thank you again for your continued support of me as well. We all are in this journey of life together and need each others encouragement. Blessings.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It was really hard to say yes not knowing what may happen by saying yes. The relationship is very uncertain in my mind. The support and encouragement I have received in my journey through this venue has and is really appreciated.

  2. Harriet says:

    I’m glad you were able to be honest with her about this – it must have been so difficult. Is there a way you can find out from her how long she will see you this time, will she be planning another break? Can you talk to her about how you don’t want any more surprises, and clarify what the break meant to HER, now that you have told her what it meant to you?

    • lostinamaze says:

      I almost backed out but this seems to have taken over my life in some ways. And I really dislike when that happens to me. I will be doing another post on how the therapy will be conducted now. I’m not so sure if it will work.

      That’s a good question about what the break meant to her. Probably a rest from me.

  3. I think you are incredibly brave. I am working on attachment with my T, but I feel like I can trust her so much more with my feelings and thoughts about this because I know she won’t rubbish them, and that she isn’t scared by my needs, and she won’t leave me the way your T left you. So – I am in awe of your strength, that you are facing these things and willing to look at what has been going on between you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m not sure if I’m brave or stupid. Especially knowing that sometimes it doesn’t matter how I feel about certain things. At least that’s how I feel. Sometimes I feel that she knows better then me on how it should be. Who can argue against that? But having said that I have to try to make some sense of it all so it doesn’t make me crazier then I already am 🙂

  4. UncertainMe says:

    I admire you for being able to be honest with your T about feeling attached! I struggle so hard with this and my T. It has been brought up but she seem to get rude about it. I feel like such a failure, but it’s so hard to not feel attachment when you share such a personal side of yourself with them, especially when no one else is there for you. Best of luck and keep posting, I enjoy your style and thoughts!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I felt that I had to be honest with this. It has been in my face for three months now. I just hope that I’m not making a mistake by doing so. I think my T has a problem with it as well. As hard as this attachment is or becomes from what I have read so far it seems like a normal thing to happen. Although I’m certainly not an expert by any means. Welcome and thank you!

  5. Onelongjourney says:

    I so admire your bravery – hard to admit and hard to work on. But I think it’s key. I find it so interesting that several of us are working on/through this issue right now.

    OLJ

    • lostinamaze says:

      Very hard to admit. Makes me feel like I’m deficient somehow. Yes , it is interesting. And it’s interesting to see how others are trying to process the experience.

  6. Lothlorien says:

    I have the same issues, and honestly, the attachment issues have been the most painful of all. Attachment, abandonment, and betrayal totally top the list.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Interesting that you would say that at this time. I had a conversation about this with my family doc on Wednesday. I was telling her how this has been the most painful thing that I’ve had to try to deal with when it comes to therapy. I told her that if I had known this before starting therapy I’m not sure that I would have even started.

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