I am a stranger. I didn’t recognize myself tonight as I sat in the room with my t. In fact this strange me appeared the moment I sat in my car to go to my appointment. I remained a stranger for a time after the session.
I participated well enough through the session. But it was all done at arm’s length on my part. I didn’t hear much life in my voice but I was pleasant enough. I answered all the questions that were asked of me but I don’t remember smiling.
We started the session right from the get go. There was none of the usual chit-chat. In fact there was no chit or chat. The only thing she asked me is if I was too hot. She has a small heater in her room. She didn’t even ask me how my week went. How unusual.
My t asked me if I had decided how I wanted this block of sessions to end. I told her that I couldn’t decide and could I tell her next week. I am having a hard time deciding what to do.
We had already decided that I would work on the attachment and abandonment issues. I good part of this session was setting up goals that would work towards this. For the life of me I can’t remember what I said but I know that we will review them next week after she types them up to make sure we are on the same page. My t then asked me how would I know when I have reached these goals. I told her that when I could walk away from here (therapy) without the intensive-ness of feelings that I felt during the break. I might have a hard time leaving but it would be a normal feeling not this unfinished intense type of feeling.
We started talking about friendships in relation to attachment and how I only go so far with them. As soon as it starts getting too intimate with friendships I start backing away. I told her that I’m not always sure what the proper protocols are when attempting a deeper friendship. I’m not sure what is expected of me or what I should expect of other people. Even with children (who I enjoy) I’m not always sure how to act with. Kids are often attracted to me much to my dismay sometimes. For example there is this three-year old kid that I see on occasion. She has taken a real liking to me and when she sees me she comes running and throws her arms around my legs and hugs me. I sort of freeze up and don’t know what I should do back. Should I pat her on the head or what? I’m afraid to touch her.
And then she asked me a question that she has never asked before. It’s about something, believe it or not, that we haven’t even talked about. Sexuality and intimacy. It makes me cringe to even write those words. But she was talking to the strange me and talking about this tonight was like talking about the weather. I even told her a couple of things that happened to me that I haven’t told her before. When I think about it now it was all rather strange for me to talk about this in the way that I did. Usually I skirt around the issue. Hopefully she will forget what I said.
I think that it was a good session in an off-hand way. I’m not sure why the strange me has appeared suddenly and I don’t know what to make of it or the purpose for it. But I hope this isn’t going to happen on a regular basis. I really need to work on this stuff. The timer is on.
PS: two feet of snow+ minus 30 degree temperatures + dark by 5 pm = cranky me. I need to go somewhere warm with a beach so I can forget all this stuff.