Stranger

I am a stranger.  I didn’t recognize myself tonight as I sat in the room with my t.  In fact this strange me appeared the moment I sat in my car to go to my appointment.  I remained a stranger for a time after the session.

I participated well enough through the session.  But it was all done at arm’s length on my part.  I didn’t hear much life in my voice but I was pleasant enough.  I answered all the questions that were asked of me but I don’t remember smiling.

We started the session right from the get go.  There was none of the usual chit-chat. In fact there was no chit or chat.  The only thing she asked me is if I was too hot.  She has a small heater in her room.  She didn’t even ask me how my week went.  How unusual.

My t asked me if I had decided how I wanted this block of sessions to end.  I told her that I couldn’t decide and could I tell her next week.  I am having a hard time deciding what to do.

We had already decided that I would work on the attachment and abandonment issues.  I good part of this session was setting up goals that would work towards this.  For the life of me I can’t remember what I said but I know that we will review them next week after she types them up to make sure we are on the same page.  My t then asked me how would I know when I have reached these goals.  I told her that when I could walk away from here (therapy) without the intensive-ness of feelings that I felt during the break.  I might have a hard time leaving but it would be a normal feeling not this unfinished intense type of feeling.

We started talking about friendships in relation to attachment and how I only go so far with them.  As soon as it starts getting too intimate with friendships I start backing away.  I told her that I’m not always sure what the proper protocols are when attempting a deeper friendship.  I’m not sure what is expected of me or what I should expect of other people.  Even with children (who I enjoy) I’m not always sure how to act with.  Kids are often  attracted to me much to my dismay sometimes. For example there is this three-year old kid that I see on occasion.  She has taken a real liking to me and when she sees me she comes running and throws her arms around my legs and hugs me.  I sort of freeze up and don’t know what I should do back.  Should I pat her on the head or what?  I’m afraid to touch her.

And then she asked me a question that she has never asked before. It’s about something, believe it or not, that we haven’t even talked about. Sexuality and intimacy.  It makes me cringe to even write those words.  But she was talking to the strange me and talking about this tonight was like talking about the weather.  I even told her a couple of things that happened to me that I haven’t told her before.  When I think about it now it was all rather strange for me to talk about this in the way that I did.  Usually I skirt around the issue.  Hopefully she will forget what I said.

I think that it was a good session in an off-hand way.  I’m not sure why the strange me has appeared suddenly and I don’t know what to make of it or the purpose for it.   But I hope this isn’t going to happen on a regular basis.  I really need to work on this stuff.  The timer is on.

PS: two feet of snow+ minus 30 degree temperatures + dark by 5 pm = cranky me.  I need to go somewhere warm with a beach so I can forget all this stuff.

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14 Responses to Stranger

  1. Harriet says:

    I can relate. I go to therapy and just report, I don’t feel anything. I am working on figuring out why this is.

    Do you think you have put up a wall due to the fact that you know your sessions are now limited, and you don’t want to get too deep into anything with the limited time you have? Or as a reaction to the way your t handled the break last time?

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think it’s both reasons. It seems that it has gotten a bit complicated. But I also have a tendency to over think situations. I wonder if I am doing that here. It is hard to get into anything when I know that I have a limited time. And I am unsure of the relationship that is between us now. Something seems off.

  2. Mike says:

    Hey there. I can really relate to your thoughts on friendships, that “as soon as it starts getting too intimate with friendships I start backing away. … I’m not always sure what the proper protocols are when attempting a deeper friendship.” I, too, am lost when it comes to this. I only know how to maintain common acquaintances and intimate, sexual relationships. Logically, it would seem like since I know how to maintain intimacy in sexual relationships, I should be able to handle the intimacy in friendships–but I don’t. And it’s frustrating because it really doesn’t make sense.

    How many more sessions do you have with your therapist? I agree with Harriet- you could be unconsciously shutting down knowing your time is going to end.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Hi Mike, there seems to be a no man’s land that I can’t seem to navigate when it comes to deeper friendships. I’m trying to decide if it is a fear thing but I’m just not sure. Maybe it’s something that I never really learned how to do given my childhood circumstances. I don’t really know.

      I have ten sessions left and maybe another five after that. According to my therapist the last five will depend on where I am at.

  3. One long journey says:

    A lot resonates with me here. I’m wondering if your therapist is more “business” now because she knows up front that the sessions are limited or if she is redrawing boundaries. Part of the “chit and chat” is mirroring a normal relationship.

    Take care. I’ve been thinking of you.

    OLJ

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think you are right here on both counts although I would lean more towards the redrawing boundaries idea. The lack of chit-chat really bothered me. It takes me a bit to ‘be in the room’ so to speak. Maybe she doesn’t think I need it anymore. It seems quite a bit has changed within this relationship and not all on my side. 😦

  4. Just Be Real says:

    I am tracking with you dear one on this post. Relationships, let alone friendships are very hard for me as well to develop and not make them into a sick relationship on my part. All part of my co-dependency and desire to be accepted and worthy. Early on in my t. I felt like I was really a zombie sitting and talking with my t. My body was present, but I felt my soul was not. I am here supporting you with your decision(s) in your remaining sessions. ((((lostinamaze))))

    • lostinamaze says:

      I am wondering if somewhere within me I have stopped being so invested in the therapy process with my t knowing that it will not last much longer. It feels all really weird and confusing to me. I understand what you are saying about friendships. I’m not sure how to deal with all of that so my response is to keep my friendships on the surface. Ugh.

  5. You are not a ‘stranger’ to me. I have lived what you are going through right now. It wasn’t easy, but I did it and am still here. You will get through. I can feel your strength. {{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}} to you. GREAT BIG HUGS.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m sorry that you had to live through this but it also helps a lot knowing that you understand what I am going through…

  6. Can I get really honest? It hurt like a mf’er to get through the thing with Old Guy and I won’t soon forget it. I can’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep and woke up looking like someone had beaten the holy hell out of me. But I AM still here. And I’m better off now for having finally faced the changing circumstances. Just want you to know so you can feel confident in dealing with things if you are scared. You’re going to be okay. I just want to say that to you in case you need to hear it as badly as I did. Don’t be afraid, my friend. I was SO WEAK and felt so fragile at times. And I still found my way to some ground that is more reliable. Don’t be afraid. Listen to yourself and you will be alright.

    p.s. Hemorrhoid cream rubbed in under the eyes does wonders after you wake from crying yourself to sleep. Just in case that ever happens to you. It might not, though. Sometimes I am especially infantile. Even so, I guess I am alright and all that crying did not kill me. You will not be killed, either.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yeah, I like honest. I feel like I am living in crazy land and not being very rational. There is so much going on inside. I don’t feel strong at all and now that this can of worms has been opened where will it end?

      Thank you for letting me know that things can turn out better cause I honestly don’t feel that right now. But you’re right, I have gotten myself this far with strength and that strength is still within me regardless of the circumstances. Crying, although I’m not going to really admit it, yeah sometimes…

      Yes I do need to hear it. Thank you…

      I have read your posts on this matter many times and will probably continue to do so (hope you don’t mind, don’t want to be a stalker). They help me understand what is going on within myself.

  7. Lothlorien says:

    I have the same issues with friendships. It is difficult for me to know how to take a friendship to the next level (like from co-workers/work friends to true friends) and it’s hard for me to be real with my friends. I am real on some level, but it is hard for me to have really close friends. I become to sensitive. I don’t usually mess up the relationship because I don’t act on my sensitive feelings, but they are painful to me inside. I fear rejection.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It is also hard for me to be real to my friends as well. And then if I dare try I’m not sure how far that real should go. I wonder when it comes to me that along with rejection I have a problem with what are appropriate boundaries for me as well as the other person.

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