My session last night was out of the ordinary in that we had another person join us.  She is a psychologist who mainly works with children who have attachment difficulties. She works in the same agency as my t and I think they are good friends.  My t and I agreed last week that she would come into one of our sessions to talk to me about attachment and all that goes with it.  Who knew that it was such a huge and involved subject?  So mainly I just sat and listened.  I found it very interesting and it helped that the psychologist seemed like a very nice person.  Her face was kind and her manner was engaging.  You could tell that this subject is close to her heart.

On the other hand it was a strange session.  I think I’ve been writing that word a lot lately. My t and I were sitting in the same room in near to each other but there was hardly any interaction between us.  She was mainly making sure that I understood what was being said and relating some of the stuff to me.

There was one thing that particularly struck me. I told her that a couple of times I’ve tried to have a deeper friendship with someone.  The trouble was if I opened up a bit to the friend (I was thinking of my t here) and they started showing some care and concern, I could feel myself becoming a sponge that was about to get out of control wanting more and more.  Like an out of control craving.  And I’m sure that would be the fastest way to drive someone away from me.  So my response to ‘what if I lose control’ is to walk away before that happens.

The psychologist said something interesting to me in response to this.  She said that often happens with kids.  If a child scraps his knee and he gets a positive response, such as comfort, and then the child realizes the positive response feels good he may keep hurting himself to keep getting that response.  She said the way she responses to this is by giving the child all the comfort he needs until that craving for comfort is satisfied.

So my take on what she said was, let the child become dependent and clingy until they realize the relationship is safe and then from that point independence can be rebuilt in a healthy way.  I’m probably over simplifying it and I may all out to lunch with my understanding.

My biggest question is I have some knowledge about what might be going on in me so now what?  I guess I will see how my t will answer this.  I’m not sure how I would work on this stuff as an adult.  And can I work on this within the time-line I am on with my t?

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22 Responses to Craving

  1. Dear Lost,
    Your honesty is amazing.
    I can understand the agony of needing… It is my most dreaded thing and I’m hopeless in any friendship where I feel need.
    It’s so much easier to run but so much lonelier too…
    I’m interested to know what happens next Lost… I so hope that you can find a way through. It feels so frightening know.


    • lostinamaze says:

      I have spent my life doing everything not to need. I have sent my life looking away from my needs. Do I want to keep expending all this energy doing this? It is really scary…

  2. Ellen says:

    Hi Maze,
    The timeline does seem to make working this out very difficult, as you say.

    It is interesting your t brought in this other therapist…she does seem to be trying different things to help you, and she is hearing you about your issues, which is very positive.

    Attachment is about how we relate to others, so I’d say it’s a core topic for therapy for sure… Cheers

    • lostinamaze says:

      My t has been very good helping me in different ways. This is one of the things that makes it so hard to be ending it with her. I’m not really sure that I can work out these cores issues in such a short time but at least I can get a start on them. Learning about attachment has been quite interesting.

  3. Mike says:

    Hey. This really hit home for me- “The trouble was if I opened up a bit to the friend (I was thinking of my t here) and they started showing some care and concern, I could feel myself becoming a sponge that was about to get out of control wanting more and more. Like an out of control craving. And I’m sure that would be the fastest way to drive someone away from me. So my response to ‘what if I lose control’ is to walk away before that happens.”

    When friendships begin to open up for me, I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid of what the person will see on the inside, and I’m also craving attention so much that I sort of move too quickly and end up pushing the person away. Looking back, I’ve never had any deeper friendships. I’ve had plenty of sexual partners I can open up too, but as far as friendships, they’ve all been superficial.

    I’m interested to hear how your therapist addresses this within the confines of your limited appointments. It’s a great insight you came to during your session. Well done.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I never want friends to see the inside of me either. I feel that they won’t like me if they knew the real me. When it comes to friendships I’m not always sure what is expected of me. Growing up I stayed away from making close friends for a number of reasons. And my parents certainly weren’t good role models on ‘how to make healthy deeper friendships’, not by a long shot. Because I have a hard time in this area I feel friendships can be somewhat of a crap shoot for me.

  4. Harriet says:

    I’m also curious to hear how your t handles this. I wonder if this is what she was expecting. I think it’s great to have a consultant come in every once in a while and help out with therapy issues. I’ve never done it, but it seems like a good idea.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m curious too. She has brought this person in one other time t explain some things to me. It’s nice sometimes to get a different perspective. My t will admit, on some things, when someone else is stronger in certain areas than she is.

  5. One long journey says:

    Interesting that you T brought in this other person – I’m glad you talked about it last week – when I read the first part, I thought she had sprung this person on you unexpectantly.

    I hope you are able to raise these questions with your T next week – like whether you are allowed to become “dependent and clingy” until you realize the relationship is a healthy one. And what will happen if that doesn’t get resolved in 10 or 15 weeks.

    You are brave.


    • lostinamaze says:

      I think I feel more desperate than brave. I’m not sure that I can talk to her about this all that openly. Acknowledging the fact of ‘dependent and clingy’ brings up a whole host of other feelings around it. Honestly? I think I will be left hanging at the end of it all.

  6. I’m curious how this is all going to play out for you. I’m still confused by her comments that you can’t depend on her – was any of this related to the psychologist? Was she saying anything about how you can’t rely on a relationship or other people?

    I’m genuinely wondering how this is going to “end, as in I’m curious as how to this appointment will reflect in the work you and your T do. My heart genuinely goes out to you. I would not be handling this type of situation as well as you are – not by a long shot!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m still confused myself. But I think she was saying that she can’t be in my life forever. I think that’s kind of funny because I wasn’t planning to be in her life forever. She thinks I need to develop more friendship type relationships rather than just the relationships I have with her and my pdoc. I agree but that is easier said then done for me.

      I’m actually not handling it very well. I feel very ‘unheard’. I just need it to end with me feeling that I can move on without this ‘but it’s you that I need’ feeling that I seem to have – much to my dismay.

      • From what you’ve told us, it seems (just from my perspective) that she was pulling back a bit. Knowing that she is potentially pulling back and is less involved, does that make it easier because you know you can’t….rely/depend on her in that sense anymore? Does it help with the impending separation that it has already begun?

        • lostinamaze says:

          It does make it easier but I don’t think in a healthy way. I feel that I have put up a wall between her and I. My defenses are higher then what they have been in therapy. I feel like I did when I first started therapy. It doesn’t help that I think she has changed some of the rules on me in the therapy sessions.

  7. Just Be Real says:

    How very interesting. I am glad you posted this. I can also learn from what the psy. said with regards to attachment. Interesting what she said about the dependent and clingy part. Hmmmm….. will probably have to re-read this post. Blessings.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I had never heard of this concept before. My question will be how would I know when I would be satisfied? I plan to do some more inquiry on it. It goes against everything I have been taught growing up.

  8. Milo says:

    oh my goodness! so beautifully written.
    Good luck lostinamaze. I believe in you. You can overcome this… It is time to heal.

    • lostinamaze says:

      At this point I’m having a hard time believing that I can overcome this. It feels pretty overwhelming. But thank you. I’ve been thinking about healing and how that would look like.

  9. Just Be Real says:

    Yeah, I would also question, “when and how.” Blessings to you dear one.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I would be worried that the craving could become an addiction sort of thing. It should have been satisfied as a child so now as an adult how does it change? I wonder if much research has been done on this.

  10. Lothlorien says:

    Sounds like a very interesting session. Wish I could’ve had the same. I think I could have benefited as well.

    I have been catching up and reading your blog since I have finished with my final exams, and I have really enjoyed getting caught up. You are really doing well in tackling all this. I admire your strength and courage to face such a difficult issue.

    Hugs (if ok),

    • lostinamaze says:

      Nice to ‘see’ you again. I hope you are well and I hope you have done well with your exams.

      It was an interesting session. I learned quite a bit but it also raised a lot of questions. Another thing that happened during the session as she was talking about attachment was that a few memories returned to me. It was rather disconcerting as that hasn’t happened to me before within a session.

      Hugs are appreciated. Very much…

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