I realize now that in the last few months I have been walking on a thin high wire. Tipping this way and tipping that way but always trying to move forward. On Friday I fell off that wire and it hasn’t been pleasant at all.
I didn’t realize how precarious that wire called abandonment was.
I received a phone call from a friend on Friday saying they heard my family doc was facing impending surgery for something really bad. When I heard those words it felt like the bottom suddenly dropped out of my world. Chaos erupted and everything started falling apart. I thought I was carefully contained but apparently not.
My mind ran rampant with all sorts of scenarios of what could be happening to my doctor. I couldn’t make sense of my emotions. My first thought was that I somehow jinxed her. It seems like any professional I see moves away or now in her case gets sick. I was feeling bad that someone I cared about was now ill. In the last year a number of my friends and relatives have died and now her. And in the mix of these emotions was the feeling that I was now losing someone else that I have become attached to.
My doc has helped me navigate my way through a transition from my former doc to her. She also supported me through my break from my t. I just all round really like her. And now I was losing her.
Yesterday (Wednesday) I received a phone call from the clinic she works in. I knew that they would be phoning to cancel my appointment with her and that I would have to find a new doc. I walked to the phone with a heavy dread in my body. Well that didn’t exactly happen, they just wanted to remind me of my appointment. I thought it was nice that she wanted to tell me in person and this would give a chance to ask her if she could recommend a doc to me.
So I went to my appointment today. Her first words to me was “I need to tell you something”. I was already pretty sure what that would be. She then proceeded to tell me that she was ill and would be away for a few months. I asked her if it was serious. She just looked at me from a few moments and then started telling me the details of her illness. Part of what she told me was that she needed some tricky surgery done but she felt that she would be fine but needed to be off for eight weeks of recovery. As we talked of this for a bit I could feel a bit of my equilibrium returning.
I couldn’t believe how far and how fast I fell when I heard the partially true story about my doc.
Abandonment issues? Funny I never thought I had these issues until four months ago.
I don’t think ten weeks will fix it, I think I will need ten years.