Not Heard

I didn’t write about about my last therapy session sooner, problem is, I don’t remember a lot about it but I have certainly been thinking about it.    One thing I know for sure is that I was in my alternate universe otherwise known as dissociation.  I had my session during the time period when I thought I was losing my family doc.

What I do remember is that I hardly made any eye contact with my t.  I don’t ever remember doing that before.  I almost always make eye contact.

I do remember there was a lot of extended silences.  I was having trouble finding any words to say and when I did speak I don’t think I sounded very coherent half the time.

My t asked me a few times if I wanted to continue to work on attachment.  I told yes I still wanted to work on it and was I indicating in some way that I didn’t?  She said no, she just wanted to make sure. That question has been bothering me this week.  Does she think when I am having a hard time with something that I don’t want to work on it?   I think I will try to screw my courage up and challenge her on that (in a nice way).

As I said I have thought (over thinking I’m sure) about this session and something has been bothering me about it.

Because of the circumstances that were going on with both my t and my family doc, a part of me showed up in the session that hasn’t been showed up until now.  Somehow she escaped out of the tightly contained space I had her in.  That abandoned child part (did I just say that?).

But it doesn’t matter because I don’t think she was seen anyway.  And the thing that bothers me the most is that I know she wasn’t heard in this session.

I think an opportunity was lost to talk to that abandoned child part.  By my t and by me.  It wouldn’t have been pretty but I have a feeling it would have been very revealing.

I think I have her safely put away again.

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This entry was posted in Abandonment, Attachment, Therapist, Therapy, trauma, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Not Heard

  1. hmm.. Sounds like you are trying hard. Keep up your hard work..

  2. Just Be Real says:

    Yeah, I hear you. My little JBR came out this past Thursday. My t. can spot her right away because my hands go right to my mouth and I become very small. I am quite aware when I am doing this too. That is the amazing part.

    Dear one, maybe you just was not ready right then. I am sure you will have another opportunity. One thing I learned in t. even though I may think my session was useless, nothing is useless. There is always something revealed. Maybe not seeing at the time, but later on.

    Hugs go you dear.

    • lostinamaze says:

      When I think about, now that some time has passed, I realize that I actually recognized and acknowledged what was going on for me. I think that I am finally getting better at doing that.

  3. Harriet says:

    Does it bother you that your t didn’t recognize this part of you being there? I sometimes wonder how my t doesn’t notice what is going on with me, unless I verbalize it. I don’t have any trouble noticing these things in other people. I’m sorry your child part wasn’t seen or heard. Maybe she’ll have the courage to come out another day.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think it did bother me. It bothered me that even if she did recognize what was going on she didn’t acknowledge it. I also usually recognize these things in others as well, maybe that’s why I feel frustrated about the session. Aren’t therapists trained for this kind of stuff?

      At this point this child part won’t be around for a while…

  4. {{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}} to the child.

  5. One long journey says:

    You know – I don’t think you have to challenge her in a “nice way”. I think I try to be too nice sometimes to my T. Not that I would be cruel, but sometimes you have to show a little defiance or anger because that’s what you are feeling.

    I hope you can bring up the “child” to her. Doesn’t surprise me that she didn’t either see her or comment on her if she did. I asked my T if she recognized my internal struggles/anger after one such session and she admitted she did not.

    Hugs to you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I actually don’t think she seen it happening. I know I won’t have the courage to talk to her about it.

      I certainly have a hard time showing what I am feeling to my t. I am so well conditioned not to show feelings and that conditioning seems hard for me to break. I have a hard time with me being messy so to speak. And what I seem to be going through feels rather messy.

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