You have a rigid personality much like an autistic person would have. Change causes you an abnormal amount of anxiety. You have a hard time moving through the unknowns of life. You want to tightly control what happens in your world.
No this wasn’t from a slip of paper I pulled out of a fortune cookie, this was my pdoc talking to me last night.
He always surprises me when he starts saying things like this because half the time I don’t think we talk about myself. I have a feeling he’s fairly observant without me being aware of it. I’m not exactly sure how this came up, but we were probably talking about how my therapy will be coming to an end soon.
I have seen this guy for four years now and so decided to say what he apparently already knows, “I hate change” “good change, bad change, any kind of change, it feels all the same to me when it’s happening”.
He just smiles at me.
I told him with all the chaos that was going on in my childhood I would try to control what was happening around me. When I think about it I probably spent a lot of energy trying to do this. I say this because I spend a lot of energy doing this as an adult. For example: if I act a certain way then a certain thing will happen as a result. As a child I would bake cookies and in doing so maybe I would be recognized for it. Or if I made sure that if I acted a certain way maybe Wayne (father) wouldn’t turn rageful. My control tactics would rarely work but that didn’t stop me from trying my hardest.
I can look back and see how I was doing this as a child but I didn’t realize I was continuing this behaviour as an adult. I am seeing this more as I’m starting to acknowledge how much change affects me. Ouch.
We talked about change and control in regards to my therapy. We talked about how people kept disappearing out of my life unexpectedly. I told him how Wayne would say that he was going into town to pick up a few things and would be back shortly. I wouldn’t see him again until a year later. (in reality that was a good thing). I told him how my mother would go out on a Friday night and I would not see her again until Sunday night, never knowing when or if she was coming back. At this point my pdoc said that my mother had bizarre behaviour. (I don’t want to look at that yet). How we would pack up and move in a moments notice. (maybe not but I didn’t know we were moving until it happened)
And so we talked about how my t made an unexpected disappearance with the unexpected break. How it threw me into the child/trauma reaction that I am having now. But we mostly talked about how I’m feeling a loss of control of the situation and how the unwanted changes are throwing my life into chaos. Even if it is ultimately good change, it’s all the unknowns that seem to drive me crazier than normal.
And then he said something that I have already been giving some thought to. He said when I’m finished with my current t I need to decide if I even want to continue with therapy at all. Maybe I should just continue on with my life and make the best of it with how I am. (I think he says these things because he sees how hard it has been for me.) But as painful as all this is, isn’t this the type of stuff I need to work on?