Two Words

The session tonight was a little more like the sessions I had before the break.  I wanted to try to be more ‘before the break’ self.  We actually had some chit-chat before we got into the homework she gave me to do.  The chatting always helps me to settle into the room.  I have missed that.

We continued from last week to talk about my mother.  There were two more questions my t wanted me to look at.  One of the questions was how she caused me to become enmeshed  in her life and the other question was how was I used to meet her needs.  These were really tough questions for me to answer and I don’t think that I entirely understood them.  but once again my t walked me through it.

One thing I am starting to learn from these questions is how dysfunctional my parents really were.   One thing I do know is that this is stuff I have always ignored about my parents.  It’s hard to ignore now that’s it’s starting to stare me in the face.   I’m not sure how I’m feeling about that.  I still find it hard to acknowledge the truth of how it was.

Then the dreaded moment ten minutes before the session ended.  I knew this was going to happen.  We talked about it at the last session.  Six sessions have gone by since I started back and I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before now.

I asked my t if I could decide on when the sessions would end.  I thought that if I had control over this decision it would help me with the ending.  I thought wrong.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.  I couldn’t make any decision.  And last week when she asked me about it I told her that she would have to make the decision.

And so tonight she brought out a calendar.  (I think I hate calendars now).  April nineteenth. That’s when we will end.  Although she did tell me to go home and think about it, that it is up for some negotiation.  I’m not sure what that means.  She is giving me sixteen more weeks on top of the six I’ve already had.  I think that ends up to be one more session than what she told me when I restarted therapy. But whose counting?

I asked her what would happen at that point.  She said my case would be closed.  She said if I felt I needed to work on an issue later on down the road she would set up another set of sessions.

My t did go on to say that if I felt that I needed long-term therapy (is that a bad thing?) she would provide me with some names and help me transition to someone else.  She said if I wanted to go this way we should start the process around February.

I know I have some decisions to make.  The problem is I am having the hardest time making any decisions about this whole torturous scenario.  In fact I can’t make any decision at all.  My brain feels paralyzed.  I’m not sure why this is so hard, I don’t think it’s rocket science.

Two words were said tonight that make me feel like…well I’m not sure what they make me feel like. Besides kicked.  Termination and case closed.

And now I am on a two-week break from her.  What a way to start it.

p.s. this is giving me a massive headache…

This entry was posted in Abandonment, Attachment, Change, Control, Mother, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Two Words

  1. Just Be Real says:

    Thank you for this post. I am sorry for your headache dear one. You have a lot to consider, I know.

    I too chit-chat first with my t. before we get started. Those are really powerful questions she asked you. I could see where you may have difficulty in answering them.

    Now on to your sessions ending in April. My view, how can you put a time table on healing is beyond me….. but then again, if I remember correctly you have insurance with this t. and they have set guidelines. So that is a negative point right there.

    My t. is private, my insurance does not cover my sessions. I thought perhaps I would just have another four months with mine (been going over 2 years now) and then be able to go into maintenance…..but the recent developments of my journey and really, I believe I have quite a ways to go, I will be going indefinitely.

    Long term, if you feel you would need it come a decision in February may be a good solution. I know you would have to be with a totally new t. That is a bummer there. You do not have to decide right here and now. Process……… takes a couple of days. You have been through a lot.

    Here rooting you on dear one. (((((hugs))))

    • lostinamaze says:

      Actually I don’t have insurance. The agency she works for has a sliding scale. One of my problems in going to a private t is that I will need to find one who will do a sliding scale or is subsidized. It complicates things a bit for sure.

      You’re right I need to take some time to decide. It’s just that I feel so torn about it all. It muddies the water so to speak.

  2. Milo says:

    lostinamaze, could your pdoc help you out to find a new therapist on a long term basis? This whole game of catch and then letting go really does not make sense… and the fact that she wants to keep the door open for you to return to her in future… like a cycle that keeps repeating itself. It hurt you once before and it is happening again. Do you really want to go through this entire cycle in April? telling someone that you feel safe with (pdoc? GP?)… that you are hurting, could it help? I am so sorry that you are going through all these emotions at this time of the year.
    I am sending you love and lots of hugs…..

    • lostinamaze says:

      I talked a bit to my pdoc a bit at my last appointment. He told me that he doesn’t really know any therapists who do the kind of work I need.

      I have been giving that cycle some thought and if it would keep upsetting me? I do not want to keep doing this to myself. I talked to my GP about it as well. She thinks it would be better for me to see someone who doesn’t have a time limit.

      Anyway my head is whirling with all the scenarios that I could do.

  3. One long journey says:

    Oh Lost – this must have been incredibly hard. But incredibly brave of you to bring it up in the present and put it on the table. The good thing is that your current T is willing to work to transition you with someone else. I hope you are able to realize that the “termination” has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how her agency works. Do you think you will be able to talk to your T about the one appointment you had with the other T? I know there are things you haven’t shared with your T (although I suspect she must guess about some). I wonder what would happen if you opened yourself (and your past) to her – would that result in a longer timeline?

    As I’ve said before – I’m not sure complex trauma can be handled on a time limited process.

    Thinking of you…

    • lostinamaze says:

      Sometimes I wonder if I could have told her some of the worst things I went through would it have made a difference. But she has told me many times that she doesn’t need the details of my stories. What really counts is how it has affected me. She also always says that my abuse was severe *cringe* from the little I’ve told her. So who knows.

      I questioned her last session on her seemly new short term therapy thing. She told me that yes, she has changed her views on how therapy should be done on the length of it. She said it wasn’t just the agency but something she was in agreement with as well. How can I fight against that?

      I don’t think I will tell her of the appointment I had with the other t. It probably wouldn’t make any difference to her anyway.

  4. Mike says:

    It sounds like you would be much more comfortable with someone more long-term. Not having control over when the sessions end–and your own healing–is incredibly frustrating. I really hate how insurance companies work. I also don’t like the words “termination” and “case-closed.” I don’t think the healing process ever ends–it’s a lifelong process of ups and downs. There is no cure. There is no end. I think a better word to use would be “stable.”

    • lostinamaze says:

      You are right as I am coming to realize. I would like to have a choice whether therapy will end or continue. I really feel that choice and power was taken from me. It was totally my therapist who made the decision without my input. When I think of ‘case closed’ it means that’s all that can be done for me. It’s very frustrating

  5. Harriet says:

    Oh, how difficult. I also agree that starting to transition to someone new in February could be a good idea. I have thought of finding a new t, but no one will see me unless I quit with my old t. So for you to be able to work both with current t and new t could be very good. If you find someone you click with your ending with current t won’t be so painful. And if you start in February you will have more time to try different t’s (if there is a choice) to find one you like. But this does sound very painful, I admire you for sticking with this. I, myself, would cut and run. I hate endings.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I wish I could cut and run. Somehow I wonder if that would be easier. I asked her if she had any t’s in mind that do trauma type work. And she does know a number of them, some of which are subsidized. That would help with affordability for me at least.

      There is one thing I feel in having my t involved in helping me find another t. I wonder if she thinks I’m a loser for wanting someone who willing to do longer term therapy. Especially if she thinks I am doing fine. But why should I care what she thinks…

  6. Ellen says:

    Hope you keep telling yourself Maze that this ending business is not about you – it’s about the kind of therapy this T practices and about her funding. I know it’s easy to take it personally, but if you can, keep telling yourself the truth. Transitioning to someone who does longer term therapy does seem like a good idea…


    • lostinamaze says:

      It’s hard not to think that I’m being dumped for something I’ve done or not done. It’s strange but when she was telling me if I would like to see another therapist she would help refer me to one, it seemed so matter of fact to her. It was such a contrast to how I was feeling inside. I think in some ways it was good for me to see that after all I’m just another client. Choice is what I need and choice is not what she has given me. I think longer term therapy gives me more choice.

  7. therapydoc says:

    Thanks for commenting on my blog. Sounds like you’re working hard at this stuff. Long-term tx is a good thing, in my humble opinion, and lots of people need it.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Is there such a thing as working too hard on this stuff? There are some things that I have just begun to work on that I know will take longer then ten or twelve weeks to work at. Part of the problem that I see with short term therapy when it comes to trauma is that so many issues are interconnected. I think it is hard to separate out an issue to work on. It’s kind of like a house renovations, you start one project and the next thing you know, you have ten projects on the go.

      Thanks for stopping by.

  8. WS says:

    Dear Lost,

    I’m thinking of you and perhaps have some understanding of how the two week break feels… (I’m on one too).
    I’m so sorry for the painful rejection stuff that has been brought up.
    I recommend long term therapy, although I know how painful the idea is and some of the agony and fear that can be in that.

    I’m hoping that Christmas can bring at least a little peace for you, and that you are able to have some rest yourself.


    • lostinamaze says:

      Sorry for this late reply, I’ve been away from any internet connection for a few days. One of the problems I’m finding with trying to end with this therapist is now I have to start all over again with someone else. But how do I do that? I don’t really want to go through this again. And I’m hoping that I will be open and not shut off when it is all said and done. Thank you for your thoughts…

  9. Just Be Real says:

    Just checking in hoping you were able to get through the holiday’s okay. Blessings.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you…I have gotten through it. I only had two days off and I spent it with my mother. That is another story in itself. It wasn’t too bad for a change but I am glad to be back home.

  10. Lothlorien says:

    Awww….it IS hard. And you know what? Attachment makes it so hard. Healthy attachment is a wonderful thing, but when a person is a trauma survivor it can be painful (excrutiating) to let go. It sounds like your T really does care for you, but unfortunately it also sounds like she has been pushing the limits on the length of time she can provide service to you at her current place of employment. It is agency issues, and she can only stretch the limits so much. If you do decide to move on to a long term therapist, is there a way you can still keep in touch with her? I had to move on to another T, and I am still able to keep in touch with my previous T through email. This was agreed upon by her and my new therapist. It has helped to be able to stay in touch and share my progress with her. Sounds like you have some time to think about things.
    Take care,

    • lostinamaze says:

      I can’t believe how hard this has been and it has been creating a lot of confusion and chaos within me. I don’t ever remember ever feeling like this before. Not even when my parents would leave me. Weird.

      I understand what is going on with my head but my insides don’t seem to have any understanding at all. More weirdness.

      I don’t know if she will let me continue to keep in contact with her. I know one time I asked her what she did with the emails – all three of them – I had sent her. She said that she prints them off and puts them into my file. It is agency policy to do this. But when my cased is closed I wonder if she is able to do this. I guess I can only ask her.

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