The session tonight was a little more like the sessions I had before the break. I wanted to try to be more ‘before the break’ self. We actually had some chit-chat before we got into the homework she gave me to do. The chatting always helps me to settle into the room. I have missed that.
We continued from last week to talk about my mother. There were two more questions my t wanted me to look at. One of the questions was how she caused me to become enmeshed in her life and the other question was how was I used to meet her needs. These were really tough questions for me to answer and I don’t think that I entirely understood them. but once again my t walked me through it.
One thing I am starting to learn from these questions is how dysfunctional my parents really were. One thing I do know is that this is stuff I have always ignored about my parents. It’s hard to ignore now that’s it’s starting to stare me in the face. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about that. I still find it hard to acknowledge the truth of how it was.
Then the dreaded moment ten minutes before the session ended. I knew this was going to happen. We talked about it at the last session. Six sessions have gone by since I started back and I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before now.
I asked my t if I could decide on when the sessions would end. I thought that if I had control over this decision it would help me with the ending. I thought wrong. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I couldn’t make any decision. And last week when she asked me about it I told her that she would have to make the decision.
And so tonight she brought out a calendar. (I think I hate calendars now). April nineteenth. That’s when we will end. Although she did tell me to go home and think about it, that it is up for some negotiation. I’m not sure what that means. She is giving me sixteen more weeks on top of the six I’ve already had. I think that ends up to be one more session than what she told me when I restarted therapy. But whose counting?
I asked her what would happen at that point. She said my case would be closed. She said if I felt I needed to work on an issue later on down the road she would set up another set of sessions.
My t did go on to say that if I felt that I needed long-term therapy (is that a bad thing?) she would provide me with some names and help me transition to someone else. She said if I wanted to go this way we should start the process around February.
I know I have some decisions to make. The problem is I am having the hardest time making any decisions about this whole torturous scenario. In fact I can’t make any decision at all. My brain feels paralyzed. I’m not sure why this is so hard, I don’t think it’s rocket science.
Two words were said tonight that make me feel like…well I’m not sure what they make me feel like. Besides kicked. Termination and case closed.
And now I am on a two-week break from her. What a way to start it.
p.s. this is giving me a massive headache…