Trees Everywhere

I stand in a forest, the trees surround me, tall and many.  Each tree is a decision, an option, a choice, an idea.  I turn slowly hearing each tree call out to me.  I focus on one, listening to what it has to say to me.  I nod in agreement to what sounds like a good decision when I hear another tree calling.  I focus on it and listening to what it has to say to me.  I once again nod in agreement to what sounds like even a better idea when I hear another tree calling out to me…  I continue to turn slowly hearing the trees but now all the voices are talking at once and I can’t see the tree for the forest.  I lose all focus and no decision is made.  I am paralyzed by the voices.

Yesterday turned out to be an interesting day for me.  A few weeks ago I phoned the clinic that my primary doc works at to make an appointment with one of the nurses who is part of a team of health care professionals that work with the clinic docs.  This team works with people with chronic issues such as depression, anxiety, etc.  They also help find meds for people who can’t afford them and that sort of thing.  My doc has referred me to them for a certain issue (not mental) and I needed to see them again.  When I phoned the nurse she said that she could put me in with this other person.  A few hours after I hung up I started to wonder if she meant I was going to see her and this other person or just the other person.  I decided that she meant the both of them.

I went to my appointment and to my surprise I was only seeing the other person.  The other person being the mental health professional part of the team.  I have met her before and she is really nice.  I thought that maybe the nurse couldn’t make it to our meeting (not true).  We started talking and not too far into the conversation I decided to ask her if my doc had said anything to her about my history.  She told me that my doc had told her just a wee bit but my doctor’s main concern was how I was coping with all that was going on.  Apparently my doc told her that she was concerned that I was on a downward slide. (yes I was/am/whatever).   My doc must have told them when I phoned she wanted me to see the MH person.

Interesting enough I didn’t have a clue that was going to happen.  But I think in the end it turned out to be a good thing.  I decided to talk to her about what was going on with my t, which she already knew a little about from my doc.  One of the things I ended up mostly talking to her about was how a couldn’t make a decision on what to do about my t and therapy.  I have all these ideas rolling around in my head and I can’t seem to commit to any of them.  She let me babble on for a long while and then she started to talk to me.
She was very understanding about my situation and by the end of our session I could feel myself starting to decide on a direction.  I haven’t committed fully to it yet but I think I’m getting closer than I was before.

It was good to talk my way through all the voices in my head and start to commit to a definite direction.

This may not last but it feels good to clear out at least a few of the trees.

And then I had my therapy appointment.

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11 Responses to Trees Everywhere

  1. Just Be Real says:

    I think I finally understand that phrase, “can’t see the tree for the forest.”

    I am so glad you felt it comfortable enough to talk with the MH person and that you met her before and liked her. This is really an encouraging post. You are making head-way. I am glad and proud that you were able to do what you did yesterday dear one.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I hope I’m making headway with this. It has been quite the struggle. I hope the attachment stuff won’t be such an issue if I see a different t.

  2. One long journey says:

    I’m glad that something that could have been quite jarring turned out to be beneficial. Is this someone that you can see again?

    Love the opening to the post – so visual.

    Take care.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yeah, it felt weird at time particularly since I wasn’t expecting it at all. At first I didn’t know what to do or say. If I remember right I think she offered to support me through any transition I decide to do. I don’t know if I would take her up on it but it’s nice to know it’s there if I really need it.

  3. Harriet says:

    Excellent description of indecision! It sounds like an unexpected doctor visit, but one that turned out to be beneficial in the end. Sometimes help comes from unexpected places. Keep us posted.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It was completely unexpected to say the least. I even surprised myself by deciding to take the plunge and talk to her about what was going on. I found it helpful to bounce my ideas off her. Sometimes I think I just need to do that.

  4. Mike says:

    It’s an amazing feeling when you can start to narrow down your paths, or trees, and come closer to a decision, especially when it’s unexpected. Great job! I look forward to hearing more.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I did find it amazing in how it seemed to clarify a few things to me. Maybe the meeting being unexpected ended up to be a good thing. It certainly changed things up for me.

  5. Milo says:

    lostinamaze, please tell me more! For some reason I get the feeling that you are at peace with the decision that you are going to make. I hope this brings you a sense of confidence to narrow down the other trees in your life too.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think the decision I will probably make is a bit of a cop out but will cover most bases for me. Probably most of my many (undecided) decisions could be right decisions but I need to make the best decision for me – what I feel comfortable with. Now I just need to commit to it.

  6. Pingback: My Plan | lost inamaze

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