I stand in a forest, the trees surround me, tall and many. Each tree is a decision, an option, a choice, an idea. I turn slowly hearing each tree call out to me. I focus on one, listening to what it has to say to me. I nod in agreement to what sounds like a good decision when I hear another tree calling. I focus on it and listening to what it has to say to me. I once again nod in agreement to what sounds like even a better idea when I hear another tree calling out to me… I continue to turn slowly hearing the trees but now all the voices are talking at once and I can’t see the tree for the forest. I lose all focus and no decision is made. I am paralyzed by the voices.
Yesterday turned out to be an interesting day for me. A few weeks ago I phoned the clinic that my primary doc works at to make an appointment with one of the nurses who is part of a team of health care professionals that work with the clinic docs. This team works with people with chronic issues such as depression, anxiety, etc. They also help find meds for people who can’t afford them and that sort of thing. My doc has referred me to them for a certain issue (not mental) and I needed to see them again. When I phoned the nurse she said that she could put me in with this other person. A few hours after I hung up I started to wonder if she meant I was going to see her and this other person or just the other person. I decided that she meant the both of them.
I went to my appointment and to my surprise I was only seeing the other person. The other person being the mental health professional part of the team. I have met her before and she is really nice. I thought that maybe the nurse couldn’t make it to our meeting (not true). We started talking and not too far into the conversation I decided to ask her if my doc had said anything to her about my history. She told me that my doc had told her just a wee bit but my doctor’s main concern was how I was coping with all that was going on. Apparently my doc told her that she was concerned that I was on a downward slide. (yes I was/am/whatever). My doc must have told them when I phoned she wanted me to see the MH person.
Interesting enough I didn’t have a clue that was going to happen. But I think in the end it turned out to be a good thing. I decided to talk to her about what was going on with my t, which she already knew a little about from my doc. One of the things I ended up mostly talking to her about was how a couldn’t make a decision on what to do about my t and therapy. I have all these ideas rolling around in my head and I can’t seem to commit to any of them. She let me babble on for a long while and then she started to talk to me.
She was very understanding about my situation and by the end of our session I could feel myself starting to decide on a direction. I haven’t committed fully to it yet but I think I’m getting closer than I was before.
It was good to talk my way through all the voices in my head and start to commit to a definite direction.
This may not last but it feels good to clear out at least a few of the trees.
And then I had my therapy appointment.