The person who was going to therapy before the break is not the person going to therapy now. I’m trying to figure out what is going on. I know I was hurt and I know I was angry but I honestly have to say that I don’t feel anything at all lately.
Last night’s session was good. We talked about relationships and how my attachment patterns as a child play out in adulthood. I wasn’t understanding how this has worked in my life but as she explained it further I was starting to see the truth of it.
I didn’t really attach to anyone growing up. Probably for a number of reasons. I was terrified of my parents especially Wayne. I was terrified of strangers. I wouldn’t approach a stranger even if my life depended on it. We moved – a lot. One year I was in four different schools. We seemed quite poor. Probably because the majority of the money was spent on booze. I starting being more aware of our poorness as I became a teenager. I felt embarrassed about how I was dressed and with my lack of being able to be in style. This coupled with my extreme shyness…well let’s say it didn’t help in me wanting to approach others.
Also when I was a young teen we lived in an isolated community that was rather sick. Most of us kids who lived there were being abused in one way or another. And on it goes.
I have come to realize that the way I got through all this was in being alone as much as possible whether it was hiding somewhere in the house, spending time alone outside, or somewhere in my mind. Seeking out a relationship in any form was not part of my life at all.
At eighteen when I was finally free of the real immediate abuse that was going on I didn’t understand yet that I wasn’t actually free. I see now how I was as a child with relationships is pretty much how I am now. I wonder why I didn’t make that connection before?
As my t and I were exploring some of this stuff I kept thinking something wasn’t right with me. I’m having this supposedly in-depth conversation with her and I feel nothing. I have more emotion chit chatting about the weather. I am still learning about myself but it seems rather clinical. Detached.
The part of me that was in therapy doesn’t seem totally engaged with the process now. The parts of me that are showing up now are the observer and the protector.
Is there an attachment pattern being playing out here? Maybe, but I’m at a loss in how to deal with it. Probably because the protector part is now back to being the strongest one in that room and I tend to go with the flow.