Who

The person who was going to therapy before the break is not the person going to therapy now.  I’m trying to figure out what is going on.  I know I was hurt and I know I was angry but I honestly have to say that I don’t feel anything at all lately.

Last night’s session was good.  We talked about relationships and how my attachment patterns as a child play out in adulthood.  I wasn’t understanding how this has worked in my life but as she explained it further I was starting to see the truth of it.

I didn’t really attach to anyone growing up.  Probably for a number of reasons.  I was terrified of my parents especially Wayne.  I was terrified of strangers.  I wouldn’t approach a stranger even if my life depended on it.  We moved – a lot.  One year I was in four different schools.   We seemed  quite poor.  Probably because the majority of the money was spent on booze.  I starting being more aware of our poorness as I became a teenager.  I felt embarrassed about how I was dressed and with my lack of being able to be in style. This coupled with my extreme shyness…well let’s say it didn’t help in me wanting to approach others.

Also when I was a young teen we lived in an isolated community that was rather sick.  Most of us kids who lived there were being abused in one way or another.  And on it goes.

I have come to realize that the way I got through all this was in being alone as much as possible whether it was hiding somewhere in the house, spending time alone outside, or somewhere in my mind.  Seeking out a relationship in any form was not part of my life at all.

At eighteen when I was finally free of the real immediate abuse that was going on I didn’t understand yet that I wasn’t actually free.  I see now how I was as a child with relationships is pretty much how I am now.  I wonder why I didn’t make that connection before?

As my t and I were exploring some of this stuff I kept thinking something wasn’t right with me.  I’m having this supposedly in-depth conversation with her and I feel nothing.  I have more emotion chit chatting about the weather. I am still learning about myself but it seems rather clinical.  Detached.

The part of me that was in therapy doesn’t seem totally engaged with the process now.  The parts of me that are showing up now are the observer and the protector.

Is there an attachment pattern being playing out here?  Maybe, but I’m at a loss in how to deal with it.  Probably because the protector part is now back to being the strongest one in that room and I tend to go with the flow.

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14 Responses to Who

  1. Harriet says:

    You are probably guarded because of the uncertainty of how long you will be with her. Once bitten twice shy as they say. Your protector is doing just what it is supposed to do, a natural defense mechanism. Do you think this is affecting your therapy negatively? Or is it making it easier for you to talk about these issues because of the lack of emotion?

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m actually feeling quite neutral about my therapy these days. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. I do find it easier to talk about issues without the emotion but it feels like I could be talking about someone other than me. All in all I don’t think it’s good because I’m probably not really all that engaged right now.

  2. It’s not surprising with your history of unsafe attachments, and the knowledge that you have limited time left with your T, that you are sticking to the observer/protector parts and not allowing the vulnerable parts out to attach/connect in the session. You are protecting them from the pain of detaching later. 😦

    • I agree. I feel for you for what an unthinkable situation this all is. Down the road, I think you could be stronger because of it. You are surviving. Remember that.

      • lostinamaze says:

        Stronger and hopefully wiser when it is all said and done. This has been harder then I ever thought it would be. I am often stronger than what I think most times and I will try to remember that.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Samesky, even if I wanted to I don’t think I could let myself be vulnerable at this time, it’s just going to end with her anyway. I just hope that I don’t do too much backtracking from where I have gotten to in my journey. I think it may take some time to let my guard down with the next therapist (if there is one). Good things have been accomplished but who knew that therapy could get so complicated and confusing.

  3. Just Be Real says:

    Agreeing with the others here about the limited time you have left with T is bringing on anxiety of detachment. Appreciate so much your honesty here in trying to deal with what is going on within you. Hugs dear one.

    • lostinamaze says:

      My mine focus these days seems to be more on the ending then doing therapy itself. I’m not sure how productive it is but I can’t seem to change it. There certainly is a lot of anxiety involved with this process.

  4. One long journey says:

    It’s hard to figure out HOW to be vulnerable in session at times, and I think harder given your situation with your T now. I’ve not heard of the observer/protector parts – makes perfect sense though. I frequently feel like I’m “observing” my therapy rather than participating.

    Take care of yourself.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m finding it hard to be engaged in my therapy right now. It’s just going to end soon anyway. I have a feeling somewhere deep down I’m building up my defenses in preparation of the impending termination. Vulnerability is hard at the best of times.

  5. Dear lost

    I just wanted to say that I can really identify with some of your distancing and numbness. It’s what happens when we feel like we’re going to be left. You are so right in identifying these parts…
    I wish I had an answer about how to handle it. I know that it’s all very well understanding that you are ‘protecting’ yourself, but that that knowledge doesn’t change anything much.
    I’m sorry you’re in such a strange and disorientating space right now. Sometimes feeling unreachable is a double edged sword.

    You’re in (and have been in) my thoughts.

    x

    • lostinamaze says:

      I really don’t know how to handle it so I just revert back to my default mode – keeping her at an arms length/pushing it all down. Disorientated is a good word to describe how I feel. I’m not sure how I should be responding to what is going on with therapy and feel rather abnormal because of it.

  6. shutterbug0 says:

    Hey, I love your blog!
    I think I haven’t properly attached to my t in the past 6 months. It seems half the time, when I make myself vulnerable something negative happens that agitates my attachment problems. When you’re conditioned to think danger happens when you open yourself up it’s a hard pattern to break…I just try to keep the ultimate goal in mind – I’m trying to change my brain to have a brighter future…and that’s why I keep going back, time and time again, regardless if she hurts me or not, I try to grow from it somehow. Hope you’ve gained some clarity since posting this 🙂

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think I was able to attach to my t but I’m sure that I have unattached at some level in an unhealthy way. In spite of what is happening with her I’m still trying to move forward. It hasn’t been easy though. Thanks for stopping by!

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