On my way to my session tonight I kept thinking that maybe I should quit therapy now instead of waiting because face it, it’s just going to end soon anyway. In all honesty I’m feeling discouraged and disconnected about/from therapy these days. I realize it’s because my defenses have kicked in but I really want to try to work this out somehow within me. Oh well..
We talked about relationships again tonight and how there are different types. I’m just realizing that I don’t see how this is. I have in my mind how a relationship should be and this extends to all relationships.
This came about because my t gave me some homework to do last week. It’s a chapter about relationships out of a book called ‘Healing the Trauma of Abuse’ ‘a women’s workbook’ by Mary Ellen Copeland and Maxine Harris. One of the exercises I’m supposed to do is to think of a healthy relationship that I have and answer questions about it. And then do the same with an unhealthy relationship. Except I can’t think of a healthy relationship f2f that I have. In fact I couldn’t even think of an unhealthy one.
I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around it. The questions really stumped me and I couldn’t come up with any answers and of course I became frustrated.
And so I went to therapy without my homework done. After some chit-chat where my t was asking how my week went and how I was doing to which I reply fine (liar) she asked about the dreaded undone homework. I told her that I couldn’t do the questions because I kept coming up blank. She said it was ok. I handed the papers to her and we started working through the questions together.
As much as I feel disconnected I’m apparently still discovering things about myself such as my all or nothing view about relationships. Who knew that there are different types of relationships/friends. I think it will take me a while to sort this out but I’m starting to see that I have a linear mind about this, hence my difficulty in trying to answer the questions. I think that if a relationship is not a certain way then it’s not a relationship. Although when I think about it I’m not really sure what that way is. Are you confused yet? I am.
I know that I have business relationships, work relationships, that sort of thing. And I do have f2f friends but I keep them all at a safe distance. I guess I need to figure out how to change that.