Homework Frustration

On my way to my session tonight I kept thinking that maybe I should quit therapy now instead of waiting because face it, it’s just going to end soon anyway. In all honesty I’m feeling discouraged and disconnected about/from therapy these days. I realize it’s because my defenses have kicked in but I really want to try to work this out somehow within me.  Oh well..

We talked about relationships again tonight and how there are different types. I’m just realizing that I don’t see how this is. I have in my mind how a relationship should be and this extends to all relationships.

This came about because my t gave me some homework to do last week. It’s a chapter about relationships out of a book called ‘Healing the Trauma of Abuse’ ‘a women’s workbook’ by Mary Ellen Copeland and Maxine Harris.  One of the exercises I’m supposed to do is to think of a healthy relationship that I have and answer questions about it.  And then do the same with an unhealthy relationship.  Except I can’t think of a healthy relationship f2f that I have. In fact I couldn’t even think of an unhealthy one.
I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around it. The questions really stumped me and I couldn’t come up with any answers and of course I became frustrated.

And so I went to therapy without my homework done. After some chit-chat where my t was asking how my week went and how I was doing to which I reply fine (liar) she asked about the dreaded undone homework. I told her that I couldn’t do the questions because I kept coming up blank. She said it was ok. I handed the papers to her and we started working through the questions together.

As much as I feel disconnected I’m apparently still discovering things about myself such as my all or nothing view about relationships. Who knew that there are different types of relationships/friends. I think it will take me a while to sort this out but I’m starting to see that I have a linear mind about this, hence my difficulty in trying to answer the questions.  I think that if a relationship is not a certain way then it’s not a relationship.  Although when I think about it I’m not really sure what that way is. Are you confused yet? I am.

I know that I have business relationships, work relationships, that sort of thing. And I do have f2f friends but I keep them all at a safe distance.  I guess I need to figure out how to change that.

This entry was posted in Relationships, Therapist, Therapy, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Homework Frustration

  1. Just Be Real says:

    We are so similar here with our perception on relationships. I understand the struggle dear one.

    “I think that if a relationship is not a certain way then it’s not a relationship. Although when I think about it I’m not really sure what that way is. Are you confused yet? I am.”

    No I am certainly not confused. Only because I understand where you are coming from on this topic. I know you have been a follower of mine and know my struggles with PPP. A relationship that my perception is screwed up with. There is an update on my blog.

    Anyway, I hear you dear one and I am supporting you and always listening.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I guess I find relationships and how I should be in them somewhat (mostly) confusing. I find it encouraging to see how you have been working through this yourself.

  2. Dear Lost,

    Listening carefully to this. It sounds like REALLY important stuff.
    I have to say that as far as relationships are concerned, I understand that there are huge differences and so many types. This however, still doesn’t seem enough to ensure any sense of safety in them…
    I was struck by the fact that you sounded almost surprised that you were still learning stuff, despite the therapy drawing to some kind of close. Actually though, I think that this is where (excruciatingly painfully) you probably learn the most.
    What I DO COMPLETELY identify with, is your urge to not bother continuing because it’s going to end anyway. I REALLY ‘get’ that… that need to pre empt the loss / rejection / end… to cut it off before it can cut YOU off.

    hang in there if you possibly can Lost.
    I am thinking of you.


    • lostinamaze says:

      Concerning your last statement, I’m starting to realize how much of a defense mechanism it is in me. What I didn’t understand until I read what you wrote, that’s what’s actually going on here. When I give it some thought it is something I tend to do all the time, this is just a form of it somewhat disguised from me.

      I am surprised that I’m still learning about myself because I feel so disconnected from it all right now. Hopefully that’s a good sign.

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