What am I Hearing?

I talked to my pdoc a few weeks ago and he asked me some questions as usual but one particular question kind of made me stop and think.  And now I can’t stop dwelling on it.   He asked me how therapy was going and I replied that I thought it was going fine. He asked me when my therapy was ending.  Sometime in May I told him.   He then asked me what we were discussing in therapy.  I told him we were talking about relationships.   He had a bit of a puzzled look on his face.  I wondered why he was looking at me like that.  I thought maybe I’d said something strange to him.

He then asked me if my t and I were working on termination at all.  I had to tell him no, we haven’t really discussed it at any great length.  What about your abandonment and attachment issues he asked with now a somewhat incredulous look on his face.  I just replied, “I don’t know”.  I told him maybe we will start on it next month but I’m not really sure.  I told him we had talked about attachment, some of my attachment/abandonment issues and where they stemmed from but not in direct relation to my t.

My pdoc told me maybe I should bring this up to her so we could start discussing this sooner than later.  The trouble is, in my mind, if the therapist doesn’t think it’s (my assumption) important then maybe it really isn’t.  I told my pdoc that maybe my t doesn’t really ‘get’ how deeply this affects me.  After all I never really (and can’t really seem to) show how deep this stuff affects me.  After some talk between my pdoc and me, he once again strongly suggested I bring this up to her.  I know I won’t.

I didn’t have therapy today and I have been in a weird head space.  I haven’t felt this crappy about things for a couple of years.

I have thought about the questions that my pdoc asked. I have also been thinking of what I was doing in therapy just before the break.  This really, really bothers me.  I was looking at, with my t, at all the parts of me with the goal of trying to get them all on the same page.  I felt that I was ready to finally make some progress in this area.  We were just starting the process and it was really hard but at the same time I felt that I was actually getting somewhere with this.  Then the break and it all ground to a halt.

I came back to therapy and she wanted to know what I wanted to discuss and we did some goal setting.   Nothing was mentioned on her part about how I felt about/would I like to continue on with what we had been in the process of working on. I know often I will not often work on something in a constant way.  Sometimes I need to move away from what I’m working on to take a breather.  I know she isn’t a mind reader either.  I realize now (not then) that I could have suggested it and we would have continued.  And this is where I wish the therapist would have stepped in.  She could have asked me and I could have said yes or no. Maybe therapists don’t work this way but it would only be a question. And in that question I would have heard ‘I care’.

This is hard to explain because I’m not always like this.  In certain situations it seems I become passive and just go with the flow.  And I never seem to realize this until someone points it out and it’s usually well after the fact.

As I write this I’m having a light bulb moment and I’m realizing it’s often what I don’t hear as opposed to what I hear that causes me to respond or should I say become non-responsive in this way.

Because I didn’t hear something, somewhere in the depths of my child mind I hear, ‘it doesn’t matter’ ‘you’re not worth it’ ‘it’s not important’ ‘why talk nobody listens anyway’.

I hate it when I get like this.

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13 Responses to What am I Hearing?

  1. I have hurt child parts who don’t feel valuable. They feel scared, too. I know it hurts. I’m sorry you suffer this way. I hope you can find some healthy relief. I really hate that your therapy is time-limited in ways that hurt you. Maybe the pdoc is right?* And maybe you can find a new therapist who won’t limit you in this way. I hope it will be someone who has the ability to be honest, loving and emotionally available to the clients who need them.

    * I am not a big fan of psychiatry because of the dishonest way most (not all) of them do things, but if this one has been very frank and honest (presented you with complete information for your consent) and not gotten you habitually drug addicted or ruined your health, then perhaps his opinion is as good as that of an insightful therapist who is not licensed to prescribe? And… does he do psychotherapy? Just a thought. He sounds somewhat honest. For a psychiatrist. 🙂

    {{{{{{{{Lost}}}}}}}}

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m often surprised my psychiatrist sees me. I take no meds at all except for clonazepam. He has over time suggested certain meds but when I say no he doesn’t ever press the issue. In the last year he hasn’t even talked meds. So that is why it surprises me that he continues to see me.

      He does some psychotherapy with me but admits that he isn’t very experienced when it comes to the trauma stuff. At this time that doesn’t matter as much to me as his support does.

      If I decide to continue with therapy I really hope I can find one like you say. I can’t go through this again.

  2. Just Be Real says:

    Dearest Lost, I am so very sorry. So very sorry for your pain. Only wishing you the best and as Ethereal Highway shared maybe you can find a t. that will not limit you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      The length of time will be one of the first questions I will ask a t. It will have to be very clear in my mind. I just wonder if I can try this again.

  3. Ellen says:

    I feel like EH – I don’t trust psychiatrists in general, but this one seems on top of it. I think that the deep kind of therapy you are trying to do with your T cannot be done in such a short timeframe, it really can’t. You will need to face the fact that you will need to find someone else to do this with. I know it’s very hard when you are attached to someone already….but insurance companies do not wish to pay for this type of help.

    I’d definitely bring up the abandonment issues as soon as possible. You are the one who will have to feel them, not your T. If it was me, I would not be trying to work on any other issues in the small time you have remaining. I’d concentrate on tying things up and working on abandonment feelings, which is huge enough for anyone.

    Sorry this is so hard for you. I find your T’s attitude about many things inexplicable actually. She really doesn’t seem to get where you are at. IMO.

    My 2 cents. Ignore as needed. Good luck

    • lostinamaze says:

      I agree with what you have written. One of my biggest downfalls is trying to get my doing lined up with my knowing. I have never been very good about looking after myself or my needs or even wants. I think the agency changed it’s policy about the length of therapy not too long ago. I’m pretty sure my t sees me different then I see me. Frustrating.

  4. Harriet says:

    My pdoc is also pretty good – she doesn’t push meds as much as my last pdoc, and I firmly put my foot down about certain drugs. Yours sounds like someone who has your best interests at heart and someone you can trust. I know exactly what you are feeling when your t doesn’t step up and ask questions about things I have talked about. He says it is because I have to lead the therapy, but I think it is because he doesn’t care about those things, or thinks they aren’t important, or trivial, or boring, or I’m not important enough for him to remember what I’ve said. Yep, I get that.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think I often get the message that I’m not important enough as well or she really isn’t interested. I know the therapy is all about me but at times questions would help me understand my t really cares about what has gone on before.

      My pdoc has been a really good support. Funny thing is I wasn’t fully aware of it until this last year.

  5. One long journey says:

    Your pdoc is great – it’s too bad he can’t be your primary T. I agree that you may need to be the one to bring up the abandonment/attachment issues. And then if you don’t feel like you are heard – well that would be hard.

    And those ingrained beliefs of not being worth it, etc. – those are hard to reprogram. Natural response though.

    I hope you are able to bring these issues up with your T.’

    • lostinamaze says:

      As soon as I perceive that something has gone wrong I automatically fall into the unworthy thing. I don’t know if I can bring up the abandonment/attachment issues again. I’m not sure why we can’t seem to talk about these issues as it relates to her. Maybe I’m communicating or doing something wrong.

  6. Listening to the pain that is behind your revelations and realisations Lost.

    “As I write this I’m having a light bulb moment and I’m realizing it’s often what I don’t hear as opposed to what I hear that causes me to respond or should I say become non-responsive in this way.”

    Wow.
    If you ever felt that writing things was a pointless exercise, remember that your whole blog is worth it for this statement alone (though in reality of course, it is worth so so so much just because of your beautiful honesty and expression).

    I understood exactly what you meant about non responsiveness when something isn’t actively encouraged. I ‘get’ how it feels insignificant… and then it becomes shameful because I feel alone in thinking that it matters…
    Ugh.

    It would be so easy for me to sit here and say, ‘just take it to your therapist’… But really, I know the extreme courage it would take to do that, and also that I probably wouldn’t manage to muster it. It’s so damn hard to be vulnerable.

    I do think your pdoc sounds very good. UNUSUALLY good for one of those!

    I’m thinking of you and hoping that you can somehow find a way to ease the silent burden you are carrying right now.
    I do think it’s important and I do think your t may kick herself if she realised…

    Have you thought about writing it? Printing some of your blog entry?
    Not sure.
    Just know that it is so hard.

    xxx

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m finding that I can learn about myself as I’m writing. It’s a type of release for me as well since there is no one f2f who I can talk to besides my t or pdoc.

      Somehow in my t ending therapy I’m ‘hearing’ you’re doing well, you don’t need therapy anymore. I feel like I’ve failed at therapy because I feel like I need to continue working on some (many) issues. I get confused as to who could be right, me or her. Ugh…

  7. I totally get tht Lost… Hearing tht u don’t need t.. its another terrifying snub… No needs… You hear the rejection tht you most fear.

    With you,

    x

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