I talked to my pdoc a few weeks ago and he asked me some questions as usual but one particular question kind of made me stop and think. And now I can’t stop dwelling on it. He asked me how therapy was going and I replied that I thought it was going fine. He asked me when my therapy was ending. Sometime in May I told him. He then asked me what we were discussing in therapy. I told him we were talking about relationships. He had a bit of a puzzled look on his face. I wondered why he was looking at me like that. I thought maybe I’d said something strange to him.
He then asked me if my t and I were working on termination at all. I had to tell him no, we haven’t really discussed it at any great length. What about your abandonment and attachment issues he asked with now a somewhat incredulous look on his face. I just replied, “I don’t know”. I told him maybe we will start on it next month but I’m not really sure. I told him we had talked about attachment, some of my attachment/abandonment issues and where they stemmed from but not in direct relation to my t.
My pdoc told me maybe I should bring this up to her so we could start discussing this sooner than later. The trouble is, in my mind, if the therapist doesn’t think it’s (my assumption) important then maybe it really isn’t. I told my pdoc that maybe my t doesn’t really ‘get’ how deeply this affects me. After all I never really (and can’t really seem to) show how deep this stuff affects me. After some talk between my pdoc and me, he once again strongly suggested I bring this up to her. I know I won’t.
I didn’t have therapy today and I have been in a weird head space. I haven’t felt this crappy about things for a couple of years.
I have thought about the questions that my pdoc asked. I have also been thinking of what I was doing in therapy just before the break. This really, really bothers me. I was looking at, with my t, at all the parts of me with the goal of trying to get them all on the same page. I felt that I was ready to finally make some progress in this area. We were just starting the process and it was really hard but at the same time I felt that I was actually getting somewhere with this. Then the break and it all ground to a halt.
I came back to therapy and she wanted to know what I wanted to discuss and we did some goal setting. Nothing was mentioned on her part about how I felt about/would I like to continue on with what we had been in the process of working on. I know often I will not often work on something in a constant way. Sometimes I need to move away from what I’m working on to take a breather. I know she isn’t a mind reader either. I realize now (not then) that I could have suggested it and we would have continued. And this is where I wish the therapist would have stepped in. She could have asked me and I could have said yes or no. Maybe therapists don’t work this way but it would only be a question. And in that question I would have heard ‘I care’.
This is hard to explain because I’m not always like this. In certain situations it seems I become passive and just go with the flow. And I never seem to realize this until someone points it out and it’s usually well after the fact.
As I write this I’m having a light bulb moment and I’m realizing it’s often what I don’t hear as opposed to what I hear that causes me to respond or should I say become non-responsive in this way.
Because I didn’t hear something, somewhere in the depths of my child mind I hear, ‘it doesn’t matter’ ‘you’re not worth it’ ‘it’s not important’ ‘why talk nobody listens anyway’.
I hate it when I get like this.