Lately I have been fairly confident that I was feeling better about therapy ending soon. I felt that I’ve created some distance between my t and I. Many times I have actually ‘felt’ that distance in room where we meet. I have worked hard at trying not to think about her or my sessions in between times. I’ve told myself that I probably don’t even need therapy anyway. Who said I needed it in the first place? It wasn’t my idea it was the doctors.
For the first time, that I can remember anyway, I had to cancel an appointment with my t. She has always been the one to cancel appointments for various reasons. It always throws me for a loop when she has to cancel, particularly if she does it the day of my appointment, usually because of sickness. Even though it’s no fault of her own when this happens it still throws my internal state into a tailspin.
I have to travel a fair distance to the city where my t is and I have always done it no matter how the weather is or how tired I am after a day of work. Yesterday was the exception. We have had an unusually cold and snowy, windy winter and between Monday and Tuesday, almost three feet of snow fell in the region where I live. It didn’t snow in the city where my t is. The highways were closed overnight and for most of the morning. A few people who knew I was going to the city (not the reason why) strongly suggested I stay home, that the roads and visibility were crap.
And so the war was on within myself. First I’d convince myself I could do it, I’ve done this many times before, I only have so many appointments left, I’ve already missed an appointment a couple of weeks ago when my t needed a week off.
Then, it would be too much of a risk, what if the wind picked up, what about all the crazy drivers out there, I would be driving back in the dark and visibility would suck, the roads are snow packed and icy, the media was still issuing warnings. On and on it went, back and forth, it was driving me bonkers.
Finally when my sensible side was ‘out’ I made the phone call to cancel before my risk taking side became dominate. When I phoned I was fully expecting the answering machine to pick up but no, my t picked up the phone. For some reason it really threw me off. I wanted to speak to the machine not the human. I cancelled and she made the comment that the weather must really be bad for me to cancel because she knows I always come, thick or thin. We have talked about this briefly in previous sessions but never addressed the reason why.
As soon as I hung up the phone all ‘hell’ broke loose within me. If I thought my t cancelling a session was bad, this was way, way worse. I kept looking out the window to see what was happening with the weather – maybe it wasn’t all that bad. I was phoning people who I knew had been (trapped) out the way I wanted to go. I was constantly listening to what the radio was saying – travel strongly not recommended. I kept thinking that I was wasting an appointment (apparently all of a sudden they have become like gold to me). I kept second guessing my decision.
I wasn’t coping at all and I couldn’t stop the back and forth that was going on within me. I was (and still am) confused by what was happening to me.
At the end of my work day I felt exhausted and the turmoil was still in full swing so I did the only thing I knew how to escape. Sleep.
Well all these thoughts that I wrote about in the first paragraph should have clued me in – that maybe all is not as it seems. But I must be good at ignoring the obvious and pushing it all to one side.
I’m troubled by my response to me cancelling the appointment. The strength of my reaction was totally unexpected. I’m not sure what to make of it but I do know one thing it totally sucked and makes me feel needier then I ever realized. Crap.
Tomorrow is my pdoc appointment. I wonder if I will have to cancel that as well. The wind has increased in force and is creating a ground blizzard. Yeesh…