The Beginning of the End

On the way to my session I started feeling physically sick.  I wondered briefly if I was coming down with something.  Only briefly.  It was my decision that was making me sick.

I was having second thoughts, third thoughts and even fourth thoughts on what I was about to do.  I wasn’t so sure that I could do it and was seriously thinking of backing out of my decision.

I was about to become what I rarely let myself become.

Vulnerable.

Along with my meltdown last week, I’ve been pondering the comments made by you guys, some comments by an online friend as well as what my pdoc has been strongly suggesting.  This combination has brought up something I’ve tried hard to ignore.

This relationship between my t and I does matter and it is ending.

Plain and simple. Maybe not so simple.

I decided I needed to discuss with her the ending of it sooner rather than later.  The only problem was I didn’t know how to approach my t about this.  I decided to print out my last blog post for her to read.  But I still wasn’t sure how to broach the subject in the first place. It turned out the ‘in’ I needed happened at the beginning of the session.  She said to me that the weather must have been really bad for me to cancel.  That this was the first time I had cancelled since I started seeing her.  I said yes it was but it didn’t go well for me after I cancelled.  I handed her the blog post.  And we began talking.

She reminded me that we were planning on talking about ending.  I told her I needed to start now or soon, I need the extra time to wrap my head around it.

She asked me what feelings were involved.  For the life of me I couldn’t remember what the feelings were. I was drawing a blank.  Why that happened I’m not sure because I know there are plenty of feelings going on.

I told her I didn’t know why it bothers me that this relationship is ending. I find it troublesome.  I said to her that this was a business transaction.  I pay her, she listens, I go on my way.  Why would that ending bother me.  Besides people left my life all the time and I don’t remember it ever bothering me.  M parents would disappear randomly and I don’t recall it bothering me.  And on and on I went in this fashion.  She just sat there listening to me jabbering on.  When I finally stopped she looked a me and said “maybe you care about our relationship”.

I sat there silent, looking at her and said yes you’re right.  I care.

You’ll never know how hard it was to say those two words.

We talked at length about why I cared about this relationship.  And then I decided to become more vulnerable and take a risk by asking some questions of my own.  I think asking these questions was harder than saying ‘I care’.

I asked her if she cared more specifically if she cared for me.  She said “yes I care for you”.

Believe it or not after this I was still wondering why I would care about this relationship.  At one point as we were again talking about this she said “maybe you like me”.

Again I just sat there, looking at her and said “yes I do like you”. I told her I felt a connection with her the first moment we met.

I asked her if she liked me.  She said “yes I like you, in fact I really like you”.  We talked about this for a while.

Then I looked at her and asked her “does this relationship matter to you?”.  She said she was waiting and hoping that I would ask this question.   I guess she wanted me to speak the words.

She said “yes, this relationship matters a lot to me”.

And so I made the choice to become vulnerable.  I asked questions that I never dared ask before, questions I’ve never asked another human being.  None of this will make the ending easier, maybe it will make it even more painful.  But pain will be involved no matter how it ends.  But for my well being I need to try to end this in a way that will hopefully be healthier for me.

No matter how you slice it, it won’t be easy and I just hope I survive it.

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13 Responses to The Beginning of the End

  1. Just Be Real says:

    Oh precious one, I am so glad you shared this post. I am also so very proud of you getting your concerns and feelings out to the one person you find you can trust. This is a very big step. Yeah, I know it does not make the departure easier, but now at least you know how your t. feels about you. That is comforting to say the least. And she also knows how you feel. I am really blessed to have read this post. Here rooting you on always!!!!

    • lostinamaze says:

      It’s been probably one of the harder things I’ve done in therapy so far. One of the hardest things for me to do is be honest with how I feel. I guess it’s step by step.

  2. Ellen says:

    I’m so proud of you Maze! I’m sure this is the healing path you are taking. Someone actually said something similar to me on something I posted, and I didn’t really get what they meant, but now I find the same emotion reading your post.

    Actually talking about something does seem to make it more real, I find that also, and that is more painful in a certain way. But then you can work with the feelings and hopefully make them more manageable.

    Your therapist sounds like a decent sort of person. And now you know some really important things about your relationship with her. That must be worth quite a lot I would think.

    Perhaps you will bring up the anger in another session, as you still have time to explore this further.

    Way to go!

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yes It’s worth a lot but it makes it all that much more painful. I’d rather just stick my head in the sand but doing that doesn’t change what will happen. You’re right, I’m hoping by being honest with how I feel I can make the feelings more manageable. Ignoring it hasn’t helped at all.

  3. Oh I am so sorry you are going through this right now. This is the first post I read on your blog so I dont know anything about you or your therapy but as I was reading I was wondering why you were leaving therapy. It sounds like the ending or having to end has brought up [maybe?] new things to look at and work through?
    Please forgive me if I got this wrong, I should not assume really I have not read anything else on your blog yet.
    I wish for you, that you are able to internalise your therapist within you and her kindness and love for you. That you are loved and loveable.

    Sincerely
    x

    • lostinamaze says:

      There are a couple of reasons why therapy with this t is ending. I think my t thinks I need to take a break and realize I can do this on my own and the agency she works for has decided to go more the short term therapy route. I don’t agree with this in my case for a number of reasons. It has brought up a whole lot things that I wasn’t even or barely aware of. One thing I’m totally aware of now is that this attachment/abandonment stuff is not pleasant at all. I just hope I can get through it.

  4. “And so I made the choice to become vulnerable”

    Wow, such a hard and difficult choice (no wonder you were feeling sick!) but am SO glad and proud of you for making it. I recognise that it will probably be the more painful route, but as you say the healthier one too.

    love and strength to you in this,

    xx

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thanks, I’ll need all the strength I can get. I just wish it could have happened in a natural progression sort of way instead of being forced into it so to speak. But I guess life is like that. I know that I will fall into my defensive patterns but hopefully I will recognize such and not stay in that mode during this process. There is to much going on with this as in issues that have come up. I don’t know how to keep it as simple as possible. ugh

  5. You are setting such a powerful example for the rest of us. How wonderful that your T reciprocated your feelings. It’s nice that just as vulnerable you were being, so was she in admitted she genuinely liked you as well. I’m not sure a lot of therapists would directly answer that. And it wasn’t a simple ‘yes’ but rather a ‘I really like you’.

    And choosing to be vulnerable? This is beyond spectacular. And no, I’m not exaggerating. I recently chose to go the opposite way. You are so brave. Thank you so much for sharing this.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I have to say everything in me wants to go the opposite way which is what I normally do or have done. Everything in me wants to just walk away right now but I know I will probably also regret it if I do so. I know how my mind works.

      I haven’t asked my t those type of questions before and I wasn’t expecting the response I got from her. I was actually expecting a non-response. One of the things I like about my t is that she is generally honest and direct with me. Sometimes painfully so.

      It was a powerful session with the emotion involved and the reciprocating vulnerability. It was a very hard choice for me and I think I will be continually having to make that choice in these last sessions.

  6. One long journey says:

    I am jumping up and down for you right now. You are so brave and strong. I’m glad you worked up the courage to put yourself in a more vulnerable place. It’s not that we’re not vulnerable every time we go into the office, but this was more. And it sounds like she responded in the best way possible.

    I know what it’s like not to want to go back after opening yourself so much, but you will.

    OLJ

    • lostinamaze says:

      Her response was unexpected to say the least. By opening up in the way I did I expected to get hurt and to be disappointed. It was actually a strange experience not to get the expected reaction. I hope that I can find the right balance through this although I’m not sure how it’s done. I just don’t want to be too vulnerable if you know what I mean.

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