On the way to my session I started feeling physically sick. I wondered briefly if I was coming down with something. Only briefly. It was my decision that was making me sick.
I was having second thoughts, third thoughts and even fourth thoughts on what I was about to do. I wasn’t so sure that I could do it and was seriously thinking of backing out of my decision.
I was about to become what I rarely let myself become.
Along with my meltdown last week, I’ve been pondering the comments made by you guys, some comments by an online friend as well as what my pdoc has been strongly suggesting. This combination has brought up something I’ve tried hard to ignore.
This relationship between my t and I does matter and it is ending.
Plain and simple. Maybe not so simple.
I decided I needed to discuss with her the ending of it sooner rather than later. The only problem was I didn’t know how to approach my t about this. I decided to print out my last blog post for her to read. But I still wasn’t sure how to broach the subject in the first place. It turned out the ‘in’ I needed happened at the beginning of the session. She said to me that the weather must have been really bad for me to cancel. That this was the first time I had cancelled since I started seeing her. I said yes it was but it didn’t go well for me after I cancelled. I handed her the blog post. And we began talking.
She reminded me that we were planning on talking about ending. I told her I needed to start now or soon, I need the extra time to wrap my head around it.
She asked me what feelings were involved. For the life of me I couldn’t remember what the feelings were. I was drawing a blank. Why that happened I’m not sure because I know there are plenty of feelings going on.
I told her I didn’t know why it bothers me that this relationship is ending. I find it troublesome. I said to her that this was a business transaction. I pay her, she listens, I go on my way. Why would that ending bother me. Besides people left my life all the time and I don’t remember it ever bothering me. M parents would disappear randomly and I don’t recall it bothering me. And on and on I went in this fashion. She just sat there listening to me jabbering on. When I finally stopped she looked a me and said “maybe you care about our relationship”.
I sat there silent, looking at her and said yes you’re right. I care.
You’ll never know how hard it was to say those two words.
We talked at length about why I cared about this relationship. And then I decided to become more vulnerable and take a risk by asking some questions of my own. I think asking these questions was harder than saying ‘I care’.
I asked her if she cared more specifically if she cared for me. She said “yes I care for you”.
Believe it or not after this I was still wondering why I would care about this relationship. At one point as we were again talking about this she said “maybe you like me”.
Again I just sat there, looking at her and said “yes I do like you”. I told her I felt a connection with her the first moment we met.
I asked her if she liked me. She said “yes I like you, in fact I really like you”. We talked about this for a while.
Then I looked at her and asked her “does this relationship matter to you?”. She said she was waiting and hoping that I would ask this question. I guess she wanted me to speak the words.
She said “yes, this relationship matters a lot to me”.
And so I made the choice to become vulnerable. I asked questions that I never dared ask before, questions I’ve never asked another human being. None of this will make the ending easier, maybe it will make it even more painful. But pain will be involved no matter how it ends. But for my well being I need to try to end this in a way that will hopefully be healthier for me.
No matter how you slice it, it won’t be easy and I just hope I survive it.