I worried about going to my therapy session yesterday. I wasn’t sure how I would be after all the emotion of the last session. Usually after I feel I’ve been a little too vulnerable I shut down and all my defenses go up. I did walk into her office with some defense up. But I was OK with it. Through it all I still need to keep safe. I guess I need to find some sort of balance but I have a feeling it’s going to be a roller coaster. I have ten weeks left.
I asked my t if she would write me a letter stating the reasons why therapy is ending for me. There are many times I find myself wondering why it’s ending. I have a feeling that when we start talking about it I start dissociating. And so I tend to be vague about the why’s of it all. I explained this to her and so she asked me if I remember anything about why we were terminating. The only I could say to her was “because you don’t want to see me anymore”. I told her a letter would be helpful in jogging my memory when I need to remember why this is happening. For some reason I have this intense need to remember.
My t asked me what my feelings were surrounding termination. (such a harsh word). Like last week, I couldn’t come up with any. I have a hard time pin pointing emotions or figuring out what name to put to what I’m feeling. I kept looking at my t rather blankly. She gave me a list of emotions with corresponding facial (cartoon) expressions to look at. I actually found it helpful.
The first emotion I came up with was aggression. It seems odd and freakish to be experiencing this. One of the first things that came up for me shortly after my t told me she wanted me to take the three-month break was the feeling of aggression. I find this troubling. In my mind it makes me like Wayne. It is something I’ve never acted on but I can still feel it simmering deep within me. I really hate to admit this. And even now when I allow myself to think of the termination I feel aggression rising. Hand in hand with this is the anger I feel.
Another emotion is frustration. I often feel that my t doesn’t get me. That she doesn’t hear me. That what she sees in me is not what I see in me. This is not new with me but I’m feeling it extra strong these days.
I also feel perplexed with the situation. I’m not really sure why all this is happening to me or why. What have I done wrong to lose therapy or what could have I done differently to hold on to therapy with my t? Hopefully the letter will help me a bit with this. This emotion is hard to explain.
I think there were a few other emotions I came up with that I can’t remember but these are some that are coming up for me as I’m writing this. I feel like I’m being irrational, that these emotions are irrational.
I will say that I find it amazing the irrational issues that have come up for me since the word termination found its way to my ears.