Irrational

I worried about going to my therapy session yesterday.  I wasn’t sure how I would be after all the emotion of the last session.  Usually after I feel I’ve been a little too vulnerable I shut down and all my defenses go up.  I did walk into her office with some defense up.  But I was OK with it.  Through it all I still need to keep safe.  I guess I need to find some sort of balance but I have a feeling it’s going to be a roller coaster.  I have ten weeks left.

Not long.

I asked my t if she would write me a letter stating the reasons why therapy is ending for me.  There are many times I find myself wondering why it’s ending.  I have a feeling that when we start talking about it I start dissociating.  And so I tend to be vague about the why’s of it all.   I explained this to her and so she asked me if I remember anything about why we were terminating.  The only I could say to her was “because you don’t want to see me anymore”.   I told her a letter would be helpful in jogging my memory when I need to remember why this is happening.  For some reason I have this intense need to remember.

My t asked me what my feelings were surrounding termination. (such a harsh word).  Like last week, I couldn’t come up with any.  I have a hard time pin pointing emotions or figuring out what name to put to what I’m feeling.  I kept looking at my t rather blankly.  She gave me a list of emotions with corresponding facial (cartoon) expressions to look at.  I actually found it helpful.

The first emotion I came up with was aggression.  It seems odd and freakish to be experiencing this.  One of the first things that came up for me shortly after my t told me she wanted me to take the three-month break was the feeling of aggression.  I find this troubling.  In my mind it makes me like Wayne.  It is something I’ve never acted on but I can still feel it simmering deep within me.  I really hate to admit this.   And even now when I allow myself to think of the termination I feel aggression rising.  Hand in hand with this is the anger I feel.

Another emotion is frustration.  I often feel that my t doesn’t get me.  That she doesn’t hear me. That what she sees in me is not what I see in me.  This is not new with me but I’m feeling it extra strong these days.

I also feel perplexed with the situation.  I’m not really sure why all this is happening to me or why.  What have I done wrong to lose therapy or what could have I done differently to hold on to therapy with my t?  Hopefully the letter will help me a bit with this.  This emotion is hard to explain.

I think there were a few other emotions I came up with that I can’t remember but these are some that are coming up for me as I’m writing this.  I feel like I’m being irrational, that these emotions are irrational.

I will say that I find it amazing the irrational issues that have come up for me since the word termination found its way to my ears.

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16 Responses to Irrational

  1. Just Be Real says:

    I think that was a very good idea to ask you t. to write down why she will not be seeing you further. I too would want to do that. For some reason, our minds shut off to their explanations and can only come up with, if at all, some painful reasons.

    Here dear one supporting you during this very hard time. Much safe hugs!!!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I find it kind of strange how I can discuss with my t why it’s ending and afterward barely remembering a word of it. I really hope the letter will help with this.

  2. Termination reminds me of ‘abortion’ for some reason. Like the baby who is prematurely pushed out. Sorry for that picture but it was what entered my mind when i read your post. I felt really sad about this…
    will you be able to go back to your therapist after three months or will you end with her permanently?
    It sounds like you are so not ready for this ending… is there any way you can stay longer? Sorry I dont know much of yor history with the therapist

    x

    • lostinamaze says:

      Interestingly enough I feel like I’m being prematurely pushed out. Due to the agency’s (and hers now) policy I can’t stay longer. I have already done the three month break near the end of last summer. After I am done with her at the end of May and if an issue comes up I can set up some sessions in the future (not right away). Any future sessions will only be around 10 – 16 weeks though. Chunks of short term therapy. I don’t know if that would work for me but I haven’t completely decided what I want to do yet. With the attachment/abandonment issues I’m not sure I can do the start/stop thing with her even though I really like her. I hope this made sense.

  3. Hmm. I don’t think your feelings are irrational. On the contrary I think they are COMPLETELY justified given what is happening. It makes no logical sense for them to be ‘terminating’ (I hate that word too) your therapy just as the extended break was a ridiculous idea. *sigh*

    It is a good thing that you are noticing your dissociation. That is a useful skill to have I think.

    Thinking of you,

    xx

    • lostinamaze says:

      I guess the thing is, I don’t think I’m being very ‘adult’ with this situation. There’s a big part of me that feels I’m being unrealistic and not ‘getting it’, that I’m not able to grasp my therapist’s reasons for termination. I find it extremely frustrating that this war is going on in me. Deep down I really don’t think I’m ready for termination and certainly don’t agree with it. But what can I do?

  4. Ellen says:

    I think your feelings are very natural Maze. I also would be devastated and angry if my T ended the therapy. It’s a huge loss and you have a complete right to be upset about it. I do feel for you.

    I still think it’s great you are trying to deal with this in therapy. It’s going to be happening whether you talk about it or not. And aren’t feelings often irrational? They’re not really under our control at all. That doesn’t make them invalid.

    And a letter is a good idea too.

    I know what you mean about not liking the aggression as it reminds you of your past. I often feel the criticism and anger I received from my father. I know I can turn that on other people, and I hate it. The good thing though is becoming aware of it in the first place. But not a comfortable experience at all.

    Take care now

  5. lostinamaze says:

    The loss is much bigger than I ever thought it would be. I didn’t realize that the attachment would become this strong. I also find it surprising all the conflicting feelings that are happening. The aggressive felling has caught me off guard and I’m not sure why I’m experiencing it. I know I would never act on it but none-the-less it’s within me. The weird thing about it is I’m probably one of the least aggressive persons around. My mates call me Gandhi on my hockey team 🙂

  6. oh lostinamaze, you are so right, those feelings of loss are huge, even if you can only feel them in little bits [to protectyou]
    i know this might be the last thing on your mind but if I was you I would look for another therapist [looking wont hurt] who you can go to after the end of your current therapy. When your therapy stops it will be very very painful. You will need someone who can hold you emotionally and contain your rage [and of course there will be rage, this is very early stuff, it is not rooted in our adult brain and mind]
    I hope you will be able to find a new therapist who will help you through this loss and who can work with you long term. if you decide to do so, let me know, i can give you some advice what to look for in a therapist.

    x

    • lostinamaze says:

      If I decide to continue therapy I have a few ideas that I’ve been giving some thought to. My t and I have discussed this a bit. She said she would help me find a new therapist. It’s something I will probably be asking her about again. I kind of feel weird about it though for some reason. I have a whole lot of mixed feelings about this. I don’t think I would be very good with picking out a new one.

  7. I am not sure if your therapist would be the right one to pick one… I dont mean that in a mean way but… I guess I dont know your therapist or how she ‘works’

    I just want to say to you that it is absoluetly vital that you chose the righ therapist lostinamze. Your life can depend on it [once you start getting attached to them] it is very very important to chose the right one.
    these are just suggestions and you can leave them all if you like, i will just post them here to give you an idea

    make sure they understand transferece and especially counter transference
    only psychodynamic psychoanalytic therapists know how to work with that, they are trained in it
    they will also have been [or still are ] in their own therapy, my analyst has been in personal therapy/analysis for almost 20 years now. And yes I know that because when my friend looked for a therapist for me [i was too scared lol] she asked all those questions. any therapist who understand will answer those kind of questions, they are very importnat.

    anyway, maybe your therapist works psychodynamic psychoanalytic, like i said i dont know her, but i would not want you to get hurt again by yet another loss. it is so so importtant to know what to look for in a therapist.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m not sure what a psycho dynamic psychoanalytic therapist is but I will look it up. Unfortunately I live in a rural area so we don’t have a lot of choice when it comes to therapists or anything else for that matter. Even in the smallish city where I go see my therapist the choice is limited. I have found it a very frustrating experience. It’s even hard to get proper help for mental health issues. These are good suggestions, I will put them on my list of questions that I’m gathering.

  8. that is so unfortunate 😦 I really hope you are lucky and find a good one in your area 😦 keeping my fingers crossed for you x

  9. One long journey says:

    Hey there – still synthesizing my thoughts as I write this, so it won’t come out as I might want it to.

    I find it interesting that your personality in therapy is different than that seen by your friends – I think that it is a good thing. I rarely show anger in my real life, but I do in therapy. It’s good to get in touch with those feelings and be able to use them in a safe environment.

    Did your T agree to write a letter?

    • lostinamaze says:

      n some ways I’m quite different in my sessions tha in my everyday life. I think there is something about therapy that sometimes brings out my baser emotions. I’m not exactly sure why this is. Sometimes I find what comes up rather scary.

      My t did write the letter for me. It was interesting. One thing I learn from getting things in writing from her is that she will see something we engaged in therapy differently then I had seen it.

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