I will be forgotten.

“I will be forgotten”, she repeats.  I sit in silence, eyes closed, letting the words I hear her speak echo through my body.  She is noticing my body as I sit there and comments on how my feet are moving.  She asks me if the words bring up any memories where I have felt this before.  I sit in silence.  Yes. Wayne (father) of all people is instantly invading my mind. “Tell me about it” she asks.  Slowly I start speaking the words that have never been spoken, not because it’s bad but because I just haven’t.

He would be getting ready to go into town.  We lived in an isolated area with no way for us kids to get to town ourselves. He would ask me if I wanted anything.  I would ask him for a pair of jeans or some such thing.  He would leave and I would wait in great anticipation for his arrival back home. Excited to be getting something new.  Sometimes I wouldn’t see him again for a year.  If he came home that night or after a few days he would be drunk.  But no matter when he came home he would be empty-handed.

He forgot.

She asks me how that made me feel with his forgetting.  I sit in silence with my eyes closed reliving those times, feeling what I was sure I had never felt before.  “I don’t matter”, “I’ve never mattered”.  “He didn’t think of me” “He forgot”.

She asks me to sit with this.  I sit in silence. Becoming lost in the feeling of the hurt of being forgotten.  Always. Forgotten.

“I will think of you”.  I’m being pulled back from my lost-ness.  “I will think of you” I hear her say again.  I sit in silence.  This time I notice my feet have stilled.

I open my eyes and look at my t.  “You will think of me?”  “Yes”, she says “I will think of you”.

She asks me what I felt when she spoke the words to me.  I told her my first reaction was “oh, really” in a surprised or wonderment sort of way.  Then I told her I felt guarded.  Wayne would also say something and then forget.  But I sat there and looked at her.  Two things make what you say different.  You are not Wayne and you have, I believe, been straight forward and honest with me.  I will trust that you are telling me the truth.

But still I ask her once again, “you will think of me?”  “Yes” she says, “I will think of you”.   She reminded me that there was something in the room that also won’t let her forget me.

The rock that I gave her in exchange for the one she gave me.

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10 Responses to Forgotten

  1. Great post, and interesting session. I like the way you linked your feelings now with the feelings then, it makes a lot of sense, but I wonder how will this time be different? How will you KNOW she is thinking of you? That would be my question. I guess it is trust, but that is hard when your therapy is ending. 😦

    • lostinamaze says:

      Actually I wonder as well. It really isn’t different in some ways. She is ending the therapy and disappearing out of my life. And if there isn’t any contact afterward…
      My thoughts are she probably will think of me on occasion for the first while but I really don’t think that will last long. It’s not like we are best friends.

      It was an interesting session. I know she is studying a type of therapy called ‘Hakomi”. I have been wondering if that was the method she was using.

  2. Just Be Real says:

    Dear one thank you for sharing. This is hard to read as I can sense your pain greatly and you want so much for her not to forget you!! I totally get it!! You can only go on her word and if she does keep that rock, she certainly will recall you to memory. Here with you. Safe hugs.

    • lostinamaze says:

      You’re right, I can only take her word for it. The rock sits on her window sill. I have been wondering though, in the end does it really matter. One thing I’ve been learning, attachment issues are not easy to deal with.

  3. One long journey says:

    “I will be forgotten”

    Is that something she was saying about herself in your mind? Or was she voicing your thoughts? Or was this something you said to her? It is interesting the parallels you can draw with your past.

    Supposedly – (I don’t think I’m there yet) – therapy puts footholds into you that you can draw on after you leave. It’s a very difficult relationship to be in, but also difficult to leave.

    • lostinamaze says:

      She was repeating my words back to me. It was an interesting session. She wanted me to sit with those words and feel them. And see where it took me. I found it a little bit like what my experience with EMDR was in making the connections I did.

      I don’t think I have any footholds in me either. I think I may have been just getting to that point. It is a difficult relationship.

  4. Ellen says:

    I think it’s great to make those connections to the past, because it can take some of the intensity out of that situation and put it into the situation in the past where it belongs. Seems like a healing session. On the other hand, I can feel your pain Maze at the way this relationship is ending. Hope you’re doing OK.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think it does help to realize why these feelings have such strength. It was a good session but having good sessions is making the ending bittersweet. It’s a bit of a roller coaster.

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