I received a message on facebook a few weeks ago.  I’ve ignored it.  Yesterday I answered it. A friend was asking for some help at a camp.  I like this person.  There’s only one problem, remember the isolated place that I spoke of in the last post?  Well that is where the camp is.  This area and the camp is where a good part of my abuse took place as a young teenager.  This is why I was trying to ignore this message.

Sometimes I push myself into these situations for better or worse just to see what will come of it.  Not always a wise decision but I have a tendency to jump in with both feet.

One of the fine upstanding citizens of the area I live in is now dead.  But they named one of the girls cabins after him.  He abused me for a couple of years. How ironic.  I took a walk through this camp and almost everywhere I looked a memory would come flooding in.  For the most part I was able to experience this through eyes not my own.  This is hard for me to explain.  I have this knack of being able to shift into an emotionless state when I am being flooded with unwanted memories.  I know it is affecting me, at the same time I have removed myself from it.  Are you confused yet? I find it confusing.  It put me into an altered state for the rest of the day.

After I finished with that ordeal I went to town to do some work.  When I was done I walked across the street to read the funeral notice board.  The area I live in has just over five thousand people spread over 27 kilometers.  Word gets around fast if something happens.  Somebody died about a week and a half ago drinking and driving and I was reading his notice.

As I was reading I was only half noticing that a guy was walking down the sidewalk yelling ‘fuck’ at the top of his lungs.  I only half noticed because I was still in la la land over my memory lane experience.  Next thing I know this big burly guy is standing right next to me.  Our shoulders were practically touching.  I remember that I took a step away then froze.  He was still yelling at the top of his lungs and proceeded to give the funeral notice board a punch with all his might.  It has a plexi glass front but it didn’t break.  He started to walk away still yelling and sobbing.  He must have known the person who died.  But I stood there still frozen.  Next thing I knew he was back.  Right beside me almost touching and proceeded to punch the notice board repeatedly with all his might.  Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I remember being surprised the board didn’t break.  I willed myself invisible hoping he wouldn’t turn on me.

His rage was more than I could handle.  It probably stemmed from his grief but it was way too much for me.  It instantly threw me back into the past.  The guy finally walked away sobbing and yelling.  I’m sure this happened in only a few minutes but it seemed like an eternity.

My life is never boring. I’m going to take a pill or two and hope I don’t have any worse than normal nightmares.  I’m hoping writing this out will help also.

I feel like this whole day was a nightmare.

Tomorrow I think I will stay in my house.

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12 Responses to A PTSD Day

  1. Leslie says:

    What an awful day you had…that was like a living nightmare. I am so sorry you experienced that. I do understand about the emotionless state…I go there too when the pain gets to be too much. I don’t do it intentionally, it just happens. I think of it like an emotional circuit breaker. Even though your day was awful, I loved the post, and especially your last line. That was perfect. Well written!

    • lostinamaze says:

      At some points I wasn’t sure if it was actually a dream because the day was so bizarre. It’s days like this I’m glad I have this ‘state’ I go into. And you’re right, it does just happen. I guess my mind and body know when it’s over loaded.

  2. One long journey says:

    What a triggering day 😦 Not confusing at all though – those places we go to avoid reality are well known to us survivors. The cloud of dissociating.

    Take care of yourself.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Who says small town life is boring. 🙂 It still feels unreal to me and will probably remain so. Usually I’m more aware of my surroundings but apparently I was still in that cloud.

  3. Cassie says:

    That does sound like it would be a scary situation to be in, when someone around you is being quite aggressive. Especially as you struggle with PTSD, I imagine it’d be even worse for you. Hopefully some calmer days will follow after this. xx

    • lostinamaze says:

      It really was scary. I don’t encounter that level of aggression too often and certainly not right beside me. I do everything in my power too avoid situations like that. Not fun at all.

  4. UncertainMe says:

    Not confusing at all, just sadly honest. I hope you are doing better, that sounds like it was a hell of a day!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I am doing better but I’m having a hard time getting the image of him out of my mind. Days like that I can certainly do without!

  5. Ellen says:

    You’re describing the experience of dissociation really well Maze. What a horrid and triggering day. That raging man would have been way too much for me to handle also. Hope you are feeling better.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yes, it wasn’t good at all. I’m often amazed by what happens to me in my little town. If there is one thing I can’t handle at all it’s people expressing anger, anything from mild anger to rage. When I’m around them I cease to function. I’m just glad he didn’t punch me…

  6. Terrible. I’m impressed you made it through.

  7. lostinamaze says:

    Yes I’m realizing it was bad. Now I just need to make it through the aftermath…ugh…

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