A Day in my Life

I’ve been spiraling out of control since the happenings on Saturday.  It’s been all rather weird.

I walked into the reception area and the secretary said that my t was running late. For some reason my heart sank, really sank.  Normally this is not a problem for me but something was really wrong with me.  She told me to have a seat but when I peeked in the waiting room there was someone sitting there already.  I never sit in the waiting room if it is occupied.  I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I’m weirded out by it.

I went outside to wait and it took everything in me to stay there.  I just wanted to get in my car and drive away.  Finally I wandered back into the building and my t still wasn’t there so I waited by the door.  It felt like an eternity but she was only about ten minutes late.

My t asked me how I was after our last session.  She said that I became very vulnerable and told her something I’ve never said before.  I couldn’t really answer her because I wasn’t myself.  I mumbled something that it has been hard and yes I was vulnerable and I think my defenses were down a bit.  I said something happened to me but it’s not that big of a deal.

She said she was there to talk about it if I wanted to.  I was silent for a while.  I finally decided to tell her what happened and how I was feeling.

I told her I was feeling distinctly like two people.  I was in the room but I wasn’t in the room.  She commented that I usually make good eye contact with her but now wasn’t making any eye contact at all.  She wondered if it was easier to tell the story not making  eye contact.  I didn’t know.  I told her I felt weird.  (I used that word a lot with her)

She said she wanted to help me feel more grounded while we talked.  She asked me if I wanted the sandbox or wanted to draw or there was something else I can’t remember.

I love the sandbox but decided drawing would help me express all the weirdness I was feeling. I was having a really hard time expressing what it was I was feeling.  And so we talked.  (I kept the drawing. I want to look at it later and see how it feels)

My t and I would discuss certain aspects of it as I was telling it.  She kept telling me what I was feeling was normal.  I kept saying I thought it was all weird.  What happened was weird, I was weird.  I was trying to figure out why I had such a strong reaction and why it was continuing.  She just kept telling me what was happening to me were normal reactions considering my trauma history.

She then said “I want to tell you something.” “But I want you to look at me as I say it”.  It took some effort to even glance at her but I managed to look long enough for her to say, “you are safe in this room”. “Nobody will hurt you here”.  She repeated this several times to me. As she repeated this I started to relax just a bit.

As the session was drawing to an end something dawned on me.  On Saturday it was like I went back in time and relived a day that was actually quite normal for me.  I know now, not so normal.  Saturday just proved it.


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13 Responses to A Day in my Life

  1. Here listening.

    Seeing another client cant have been easy, sounds like there is so much going on for you all at once. Some conscious and some perhaps still unconscious. But maybe I am wrong.

    Whatever the case, take gentle care of yourself

    • lostinamaze says:

      No, your right. Not only did I see a client in the waiting room but my t came out with the client who was before me. That has only happened once before. I think there is way too much going on at this moment.

  2. Just Be Real says:

    Yeah, I also think and say at times, “this feels very weird.” And I am told, it is perfectly normal. I have a hard times also looking at my t. She always reiterates that it is safe in her room as well. Some how we have to trust this! And I do feel safe. Here listening dear one. Safe hugs.

    • lostinamaze says:

      She must have noticed that I was feeling very unsafe at some level. Often when my t says “it’s normal”, I say back to her “well it sure feels abnormal to me!” Trust is hard.

  3. birdencaged says:

    This is really awful, I’m so sorry. I wish you didn’t have to revisit those places that make you feel that way. My sense memory can cause even slightly negative events can turn me off to a location- I can’t imagine what it’s like with the repeated events you had to endure. I genuinely think you’re incredibly brave. Sending positive vibes over to you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      The strength of the reaction took me off guard but I figure it’s because of a combination of events going on for me right now. It’s hard to avoid certain places and people when I still live in the area where a lot of things happened. I guess I need to be a little more cautious.

  4. Leslie says:

    I could really relate to what you wrote here. I often tell my T about something I am feeling and say, “this is crazy,”. He says, “You are not crazy. What happened to you was crazy and your response to it is normal.”

    I also hate it when there are other people in “my” waiting room.

    • Leslie, i really like what your therapists response to that is! i may start telling myself that! xx

    • lostinamaze says:

      How true, when I think about it now, it was crazy that Saturday. But I still have a hard time believing my response is normal though. I’m not a big fan of waiting rooms. Besides meeting other clients I also have this fear that someone I know will walk in while I’m sitting there.

  5. Harriet says:

    I’m so glad I never see any other of my t’s clients, and 99% of the time I am the only person in the waiting room, but I don’t walk into the waiting room until 11am on the dot, so there isn’t much waiting to be done. I like what your t said about how you are safe in the room and no one will hurt you. That sounds very comforting.

    • lostinamaze says:

      The agency my t works for has many therapists. I see my t in the evening so it’s not too bad but on some nights when I see her there is also group counselling going on. On those evenings there can be quite the crowd there. I really hate that. but its unavoidable.

      What my t said was comforting even though it took a while for it to sink in. I think she knew I needed to hear those words.

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