I’ve been spiraling out of control since the happenings on Saturday. It’s been all rather weird.
I walked into the reception area and the secretary said that my t was running late. For some reason my heart sank, really sank. Normally this is not a problem for me but something was really wrong with me. She told me to have a seat but when I peeked in the waiting room there was someone sitting there already. I never sit in the waiting room if it is occupied. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m weirded out by it.
I went outside to wait and it took everything in me to stay there. I just wanted to get in my car and drive away. Finally I wandered back into the building and my t still wasn’t there so I waited by the door. It felt like an eternity but she was only about ten minutes late.
My t asked me how I was after our last session. She said that I became very vulnerable and told her something I’ve never said before. I couldn’t really answer her because I wasn’t myself. I mumbled something that it has been hard and yes I was vulnerable and I think my defenses were down a bit. I said something happened to me but it’s not that big of a deal.
She said she was there to talk about it if I wanted to. I was silent for a while. I finally decided to tell her what happened and how I was feeling.
I told her I was feeling distinctly like two people. I was in the room but I wasn’t in the room. She commented that I usually make good eye contact with her but now wasn’t making any eye contact at all. She wondered if it was easier to tell the story not making eye contact. I didn’t know. I told her I felt weird. (I used that word a lot with her)
She said she wanted to help me feel more grounded while we talked. She asked me if I wanted the sandbox or wanted to draw or there was something else I can’t remember.
I love the sandbox but decided drawing would help me express all the weirdness I was feeling. I was having a really hard time expressing what it was I was feeling. And so we talked. (I kept the drawing. I want to look at it later and see how it feels)
My t and I would discuss certain aspects of it as I was telling it. She kept telling me what I was feeling was normal. I kept saying I thought it was all weird. What happened was weird, I was weird. I was trying to figure out why I had such a strong reaction and why it was continuing. She just kept telling me what was happening to me were normal reactions considering my trauma history.
She then said “I want to tell you something.” “But I want you to look at me as I say it”. It took some effort to even glance at her but I managed to look long enough for her to say, “you are safe in this room”. “Nobody will hurt you here”. She repeated this several times to me. As she repeated this I started to relax just a bit.
As the session was drawing to an end something dawned on me. On Saturday it was like I went back in time and relived a day that was actually quite normal for me. I know now, not so normal. Saturday just proved it.