When my t told me, once again I would be able to still see her, although on a limited basis, I sat silent. The resolve I had outside the room to say what I needed to say had been quickly dissolving from the moment I sat down.
So before it was totally gone I said to her “to be totally honest with you I’m not sure I can keep seeing you”. “I’m not sure I could survive the re-attaching and then the un-attaching that I would always have to do”. (The un-attaching after each short-term therapy being the hardest and most painful part).
“Right now I feel like my heart is being ripped out”. “This is really, really painful for me”. “I feel extremely confused about how I’m feeling with what’s happening”.
I sat silent again wondering if I should have said this.
So then we spent some time talking about how our relationship started to matter to me. After this discussion, which didn’t help my resolve at all, I finally told her the rest of my plan.
I told my t that I needed to keep my options open and I needed her help. I asked her if she would give me some names of counsellors that might be a good fit for me if I decided I couldn’t see her anymore. My t thought it was a good idea and would certainly give me some names. She told me it would be part of my after care plan that we would be doing.
I told her no matter what I decided I was going to take some time away from counselling if I decided to continue with it. I need space and time to help clear all the confusion and indecision I seem to be going through. I also need the space and time because if I start with a new counsellor I don’t want it to be on the rebound. I want to work on the issues (or any other) that this termination has brought up without dragging my current t into the sessions. I really don’t want it to be all about her and me. If you know what I mean. I have a feeling that these issues would probably come up now in any therapeutic relationship I would get into.
So that is my plan. As you can probably tell I kind of copped out with this plan. But for now I think the best decision is no decision at all. I need to keep my options open – either keep seeing her, see another counsellor or forget counselling all together. My heart tells me to do one thing and my head tells me another. I spend a lot of energy trying to reason it all out. I’m getting tired.
But at least I didn’t cop out in telling her I may not see her again because of the pain and confusion I feel about our relationship. Saying those words was harder than anyone will ever know.