My Plan part two

When my t told me, once again I would be able to still see her, although on a limited basis, I sat silent.  The resolve I had outside the room to say what I needed to say had been quickly dissolving from the moment I sat down.

So before it was totally gone I said to her “to be totally honest with you I’m not sure I can keep seeing you”. “I’m not sure I could survive the re-attaching and then the un-attaching that I would always have to do”.  (The un-attaching after each short-term therapy being the hardest and most painful part).

“Right now I feel like my heart is being ripped out”. “This is really, really painful for me”. “I feel extremely confused about how I’m feeling with what’s happening”.

I sat silent again wondering if I should have said this.

So then we spent some time talking about how our relationship started to matter to me.    After this discussion, which didn’t help my resolve at all, I finally told her the rest of my plan.

I told my t that I needed to keep my options open and I needed her help.  I asked her if she would give me some names of counsellors that might be a good fit for me if I decided I couldn’t see her anymore.  My t thought it was a good idea and would certainly give me some names. She told me it would be part of my after care plan that we would be doing.

I told her no matter what I decided I was going to take some time away from counselling if I decided to continue with it.  I need space and time to help clear all the confusion and indecision I seem to be going through.  I also need the space and time because if I start with a new counsellor I don’t want it to be on the rebound.  I want to work on the issues (or any other) that this termination has brought up without dragging my current t into the sessions.  I really don’t want it to be all about her and me.  If you know what I mean.  I have a feeling that these issues would probably come up now in any therapeutic relationship I would get into.

So that is my plan.  As you can probably tell I kind of copped out with this plan.  But for now I think the best decision is no decision at all.  I need to keep my options open – either keep seeing her, see another counsellor or forget counselling all together.  My heart tells me to do one thing and my head tells me another.  I spend a lot of energy trying to reason it all out.  I’m getting tired.

But at least I didn’t cop out in telling her I may not see her again because of the pain and confusion I feel about our relationship.  Saying those words was harder than anyone will ever know.

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6 Responses to My Plan part two

  1. Just Be Real says:

    Oh my gosh dear one this post has touched me deeply. Just by reading your words that I think I could actually feel your pain in your heart. As you said though, only you know how painful it is!

    You were so very brave in sharing something I know is very painful and hard for you to do. But, I am so glad that you said what you said to your t. She needs to know. She needs to know how you have been responding to her. Dear one, I am here supporting you all the way through this trial.

    Much safe hugs.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I guess I just needed to be honest with her. I don’t want to regret not having said something I wanted to when it’s all said and done. If I don’t see her again I need her to know why. Not easy though.

  2. Harriet says:

    I admire that you were able to be so open with your t. Those must have been hard words to say. I think it is great that you also asked her for referrals, and are considering seeing someone else. Keeping your options open seems like a wise choice right now.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It was hard to acknowledge out loud that I might not be seeing her after this. I think a created a boundary for myself when I said those words when I think about it. And I find it really hard to non existent to set boundaries for myself. I’m really torn about what to do therefore the options. Ugh, ugh and ugh.

  3. One long journey says:

    How brave you are. You brought it up 🙂

  4. lostinamaze says:

    Yes, I did. for better or for worse 🙂

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