Conversation

We chit – chatted for a few minutes before she said “I have to talk to you about something”.   I had a sudden sinking feeling and I must admit the first thing that came to my mind was “oh crap” then “are we ending today?”.  I said “what now?”  I did say this in a nice way but I was concerned about what might be going on.

My t wanted to let me know something had come up and had to be away for two weeks.  I asked when she was leaving, she told me she was leaving on Friday.  She’s not back till May 3rd which is the day of my last therapy session.  Because of this unexpected situation she is extending my sessions until May 31st.  She told me it wouldn’t be good to meet for only two weeks after she comes back so she is giving me some more time.

We went on to discuss how I would know it was time to return to counselling.  I find this a hard question to answer when I feel that I’m not even ready to leave counselling.  It’s all rather ironic to me.  Anyway I will write about this another time.

I had a rather distressing bit of conversation with my sister.  Some background.  Today is Wayne’s birthday and tomorrow is my birthday.  From what my mother tells me Wayne tried very hard to get me to be born on his birthday.  He made my mother drink cod liver or castor oil (can’t remember which) to try to induce labour.  I don’t know if this is an old wives tale or what.  And made her walk and walk. I just missed being born on his birthday.  I’m glad.

As I said it was his birthday today and for some reason that is beyond me my sister either has a soft spot for Wayne or feels sorry for him in some way.  It’s something me or my other siblings don’t understand about her.  I am non – feeling about him but my other siblings outright hate him.  It’s weird how kids who are raised in the same circumstances can have such a range of feelings toward an abuser.

My sister casually mentioned how she phoned Wayne today to wish him a happy birthday.  She said how he sounded really bad, way worse than my grandmother who is 96 years old. I guess he’s very sick with COPD and emphysema.  I opened my mouth without thinking and made a rude comment “maybe he’s going to die”, “maybe his mother will out live him”.  Oops, not the thing to say to my sister.  I tried to smooth things over a bit by asking her what he had to say.  She told me that he really didn’t speak much but had started crying.  I asked her why he started crying and she made the remark “well maybe because one of his daughters actually phoned him to wish him a happy birthday”.

Ok, so now my sister and I are pissed at each other.  I said to her “well he has never contacted us on our birthdays, why should I contact him?”.  At this point both of us walked away from the conversation.  We’ve had this go round several times in the past and I’m sure we both know by now we will never see eye to eye on this subject.

She thinks I should cut him some slack and I can’t understand her soft spot for him.  I’m pretty sure all of us siblings were abused by him in some way.  He was not a nice man.  He used to steal any birthday money we got as kids to feed his alcohol habit. I could on and on about him. My life was forever changed by him.  I will never forget the terror I lived in.  And I highly doubt I will get over some of the after effects of that terror and other things I experienced at his hands.  I’m pretty sure my sister experienced the same thing and sometimes I wonder if she experienced more than me.  How can she feel sorry for him?  She is a better person than me. We never talk about our shared past. And to tell you the truth I don’t know if I will ever be able to.

I don’t plan on ever wishing him a happy birthday.  But when I have these conversations with my sister I start feeling bad or guilty that I feel this way.  Maybe I’m somehow in the wrong and after all these years I should cut Wayne some slack.  He certainly is paying the price with his health.  In the end I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I haven’t had any contact with him and I don’t want it now.

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut around my sister.

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This entry was posted in Family, Father, Relationships, Terror, Therapy, trauma, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Conversation

  1. One long journey says:

    Ugh – although I don’t think it is unusual for some abused to have fond feelings for their abuser, particularly if it’s a parent.

    Good for you for handling the conversation and walking away.

    Happy Birthday!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I have a really hard time dealing with type of stuff when it comes to family. It seems I can’t have a normal conversation about this type of stuff. Walking away is the safest thing for me to do.

  2. Just Be Real says:

    Dear one, first off, Happy Birthday!!! I hope it was a good one.

    After reading what you wrote I commend you for being able to move on and walk away.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I did have a good birthday. I took the day off of work :). I need to walk away because I know we will always see him differently. This argument is one I avoid because I know it would trigger all sorts of stuff within me. Plus I don’t want him to get in between my sister and me.

  3. Everyone reacts towards abuse in different ways and just because you have less sympathy for him than your sister does not mean you’re a bad person. You have to do what’s best for you and it sounds like not keeping in contact is the way to go.

    Happy birthday.

    BtF x

    • lostinamaze says:

      The thing is even if I decided to contact him I have no clue what I would say to him. He is a stranger to me. I always feel like the bad apple after one of these conversations. That I’m in the wrong somehow. You’re right but I’m not sure how to change this. How to really know how I feel isn’t wrong.

  4. Ellen says:

    I don’t think you should learn to keep your mouth shut at all Maze. You don’t like him, he was abusive to you, he basically seriously damaged your life – why do you need to pretend to like him? Your sister has chosen her path – doesn’t mean it’s right for you. I think you did fine.

    The counseling issue is kind of strange and I can see why you’d say it’s ironic. Glad you got a little more time if that’s what you want. I find it a bit of an odd conversation to be having with your T seeing as you don’t wish to end the sessions in the first place.

    take care

    • lostinamaze says:

      Of all the topics we have discussed I find the of ‘how will I know when to come back’ the most troubling and confusing. I don’t feel I’m finished at all. To tell the truth I’m torn about having my sessions broken up like this again. I want to stay and at the same time I want to be done. It’s like the agony of it all keeps being drawn out.

  5. frankie says:

    Happy birthday! x

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