We chit – chatted for a few minutes before she said “I have to talk to you about something”. I had a sudden sinking feeling and I must admit the first thing that came to my mind was “oh crap” then “are we ending today?”. I said “what now?” I did say this in a nice way but I was concerned about what might be going on.
My t wanted to let me know something had come up and had to be away for two weeks. I asked when she was leaving, she told me she was leaving on Friday. She’s not back till May 3rd which is the day of my last therapy session. Because of this unexpected situation she is extending my sessions until May 31st. She told me it wouldn’t be good to meet for only two weeks after she comes back so she is giving me some more time.
We went on to discuss how I would know it was time to return to counselling. I find this a hard question to answer when I feel that I’m not even ready to leave counselling. It’s all rather ironic to me. Anyway I will write about this another time.
I had a rather distressing bit of conversation with my sister. Some background. Today is Wayne’s birthday and tomorrow is my birthday. From what my mother tells me Wayne tried very hard to get me to be born on his birthday. He made my mother drink cod liver or castor oil (can’t remember which) to try to induce labour. I don’t know if this is an old wives tale or what. And made her walk and walk. I just missed being born on his birthday. I’m glad.
As I said it was his birthday today and for some reason that is beyond me my sister either has a soft spot for Wayne or feels sorry for him in some way. It’s something me or my other siblings don’t understand about her. I am non – feeling about him but my other siblings outright hate him. It’s weird how kids who are raised in the same circumstances can have such a range of feelings toward an abuser.
My sister casually mentioned how she phoned Wayne today to wish him a happy birthday. She said how he sounded really bad, way worse than my grandmother who is 96 years old. I guess he’s very sick with COPD and emphysema. I opened my mouth without thinking and made a rude comment “maybe he’s going to die”, “maybe his mother will out live him”. Oops, not the thing to say to my sister. I tried to smooth things over a bit by asking her what he had to say. She told me that he really didn’t speak much but had started crying. I asked her why he started crying and she made the remark “well maybe because one of his daughters actually phoned him to wish him a happy birthday”.
Ok, so now my sister and I are pissed at each other. I said to her “well he has never contacted us on our birthdays, why should I contact him?”. At this point both of us walked away from the conversation. We’ve had this go round several times in the past and I’m sure we both know by now we will never see eye to eye on this subject.
She thinks I should cut him some slack and I can’t understand her soft spot for him. I’m pretty sure all of us siblings were abused by him in some way. He was not a nice man. He used to steal any birthday money we got as kids to feed his alcohol habit. I could on and on about him. My life was forever changed by him. I will never forget the terror I lived in. And I highly doubt I will get over some of the after effects of that terror and other things I experienced at his hands. I’m pretty sure my sister experienced the same thing and sometimes I wonder if she experienced more than me. How can she feel sorry for him? She is a better person than me. We never talk about our shared past. And to tell you the truth I don’t know if I will ever be able to.
I don’t plan on ever wishing him a happy birthday. But when I have these conversations with my sister I start feeling bad or guilty that I feel this way. Maybe I’m somehow in the wrong and after all these years I should cut Wayne some slack. He certainly is paying the price with his health. In the end I just can’t bring myself to do it. I haven’t had any contact with him and I don’t want it now.
I need to learn to keep my mouth shut around my sister.