Right now I’m on a twenty day break from therapy. For the last week I’ve tried to figure out how I feel about this and about therapy ending. Again. Always.
It all feels rather silent inside now. I’m glad for the break from the unrelenting turmoil but it also makes me a little nervous. All went quiet when my t announced she had to take some time away.
It may be quiet but I feel there are things lurking at the edges of my conscious mind. I try not to think about what they could be because I really do like the quiet.
The calm before the storm. Or maybe it’s more like I’m in the eye of the storm.
In trying to figure out the lurkers, I realize the little girl within is standing in the shadows at the edge of my mind. She has had a voice on an occasion or two lately. I try to stifle it as much as possible because I have a really hard time with what she has to say. It sounds way too needy to me. I sound too needy. Apparently she had needs that weren’t met. There is a longing for them to be met now. That longing is the neediness that I feel, that I strongly dislike.
As an adult I don’t see how those needs can be fulfilled now. The kid’s needs were not met when they needed to be and that time is long past. Unfortunately I don’t know how to convey that fact to the little girl. An adult with a little kids needs. I have a hard time reconciling that within me. One thing therapy has done for me is now I recognize this.
And in this moment of thinking I also realized the little girl is not so much needy but that she has needs. I still have needs. I am human.
And that little girl? Well she could create quite the storm and that worries me.