Right now I’m on a twenty day break from therapy.  For the last week I’ve tried to figure out how I feel about this and about therapy ending. Again. Always.

It all feels rather silent inside now.  I’m glad for the break from the unrelenting turmoil but it also makes me a little nervous.   All went quiet when my t announced she had to take some time away.

It may be quiet but I feel there are things lurking at the edges of my conscious mind.  I try not to think about what they could be because I really do like the quiet.

The calm before the storm. Or maybe it’s more like I’m in the eye of the storm.

In trying to figure out the lurkers,  I realize the little girl within is standing in the shadows at the edge of my mind.  She has had a voice on an occasion or two lately. I try to stifle it as much as possible because I have a really hard time with what she has to say.  It sounds way too needy to me.  I sound too needy.  Apparently she had needs that weren’t met.  There is a longing for them to be met now.  That longing is the neediness that I feel, that I strongly dislike.

As an adult I don’t see how those needs can be fulfilled now.  The kid’s needs were not met when they needed to be and that time is long past.  Unfortunately I don’t know how to convey that fact to the little girl.  An adult with a little kids needs.  I have a hard time reconciling that within me.  One thing therapy has done for me is now I recognize this.

And in this moment of thinking I also realized the little girl is not so much needy but that she has needs.  I still have needs. I am human.

And that little girl?  Well she could create quite the storm and that worries me.

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11 Responses to Girl

  1. Just Be Real says:

    Recognizing that I have needs that were never met was one of the things that was truly an eye opener for me. Then trying to get over the guilt that it was okay to have those needs. Yes, you are human. You had a lot taken away from you. Dear one you deserve only the best. Safe hugs to you during this hiatus.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It has been a real eye opener for me as well. I’m just starting to recognize the source of some of my inner voices. And how unmet needs affect me now. Who knew? It’s hard to come to terms with this stuff.

  2. Ellen says:

    What I’ve learned is that however much those ‘inner voices’ irritate me with childish wishes, needs, complaints, etc., that irritation doesn’t help me. I need to at least listen to that voice, take it into account, and try and meet some of those needs myself. It’s not fair, but it’s reality. Some ‘childpart’ wishes are not possible to fulfill in the way the child wants, but other needs can be met.

    Hope you can start to let that inner child speak some more. And your therapy situation sounds really rough Maze, but don’t let it get you down too much. I’d have trouble coping with that also. take care now

    • lostinamaze says:

      I need to get to a point where I can listen to the ‘voices’ especially the girl one. There are a lot of emotions tied to that one. I know my ignoring doesn’t help at all. But I guess it’s good that I’m at least somewhat aware now. Therapy does suck these days but it has raised some of the deeper issues that really affect me in day to day life. Hopefully I’ll be able to find someone to work on them with.

  3. Yes – she has needs and that is ok. Normal even (and especially normal in therapy. I think a huge part of it is learning to accept them and finding ways to meet them).

    Is it so bad if she creates a storm? I think in some ways she deserves to, deserves a voice.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Deserves. This word really struck me. I’ve given this some thought as to why. I hear it all the time in my mind and I think I use it as a bad coping skill – “you didn’t deserve it anyway”. Interesting.

      • Interesting indeed. Perhaps you can turn it inside out, instead of saying you don’t/didn’t deserve it, say yes you did (and that is why not getting it hurts), and yes you do – now. Empowering.

  4. lostinamaze says:

    EH, thanks so much…

  5. Maybe your mini-break can be helpful. Maybe you can focus on what you really need to say/work through before you’re finished so that you don’t have to carry-it-forward, so to speak.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Interesting you should say this because I’ve been thinking about how unfocused and scattered I seem to be. I feel that I have so much to say at times, so much is going on inside me that I don’t know what to focus on. At the same time I find myself not wanting to go into any depth about stuff because it’s ending anyway. I had a bit of a conversation with my pdoc tonight about carry-it-forward stuff. This ending has brought up stuff that has been buried deep. I will have to deal with this with another t if I decide to see one again but at the same time I don’t want to bring the person of my current t into those sessions. If that makes any sense. This ending has put me into a rather confused state these days.

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