Yesterday I had my appointment with the pdoc. It has been a couple of months since I’ve seen him. I have what I think is a rather weird relationship with him. We talk for long periods about everything but me. I kind of like it that way. It’s way less intense when the focus isn’t continuously on me. This time we talked a lot about the area I live in and the doctors who work here. We also talked about the two-story parking place that is being built across the road from him. I have wondered why our appointments are like this. Often I think it is a waste of time. But then I wonder if this is on purpose and he is just waiting for me to be ready to start talking about me. He seems very laid back in the way he deals with me.
We eventually got on the topic of psych meds and how badly I reacted to Paxil. I ended up in the hospital after taking one pill. He told me I had a rare reaction and went into an explanation of it, none of which I can really remember. We also talked about when I gave Mirtazapine a try but had to be taken off it when I started doing weird and dangerous things along with other strange side effects.
Then he asked me when therapy was ending. We discussed the ending and what it could mean for me. We had a big discussion about this and attachment/abandonment stuff again. I then said I wasn’t sure what I was going to do after it was done. I said that maybe I wouldn’t do therapy at all or maybe try some group therapy again. I don’t get attached to group therapy at all. He was ok with all the above. Sometimes I get the feeling he doesn’t want me to do individual therapy again. I should ask him straight out about this.
Near the end of the session the above discussion led to me saying I was worried about my suicidal ways getting out of hand when I didn’t have a therapist anymore. He knew exactly what I was talking about. I was extremely suicidal when I started seeing him. I told him I still had him as support but what if things started getting out of hand. I see him about once a month but what about the in between times. Right now I’m in a better place with this. The thoughts aren’t so loud. But I also know this can change rapidly with me. I asked if there was something I can do. I know when my t has talked to me about it she has told me to call the crisis line, or a supportive friend or all the other standard stuff they tell you to do.
Oddly enough he didn’t say too much about it. He just asked me when my next appointment was and I replied that I didn’t know. As I was leaving we stopped at the reception to ask about my next appointment. It turns out it is two days after therapy ends. He seemed satisfied with that.
Even though we seem to have these weird sessions I’m glad he will be there for me.