I’m the type of person that when I start something I like to finish it before I start something else. Some examples: I read one book at a time and I need to finish it before I start another. Even if I hate the book I have this driving need to finish it. If I start using a bottle of lotion, shampoo or whatever, I need to finish it before I start another and I never have more than one bottle open at a time. I know, a weird quirk. (I’m sure I have more than a few quirks)
Having this quirk has presented a bit of a problem in therapy that I haven’t brought up before with my t. I’m not sure why I haven’t since it does really bother me. Lately I’ve felt this is a loose end I don’t want to leave hanging after therapy ends with my t. If I did it would bug me forever.
I have this idea in my mind that everything should go from a to b in a straight line. No deviations. I want to finish one issue from beginning to end before starting another. Apparently therapy, at least the type I do, doesn’t really work that way. It’s more fluid. We visit a topic issue move away from it and revisit it later on. And I also know sometimes I need to move away from a topic because of the intensity or I’m not ready to go there yet. But now that therapy is ending we will not be getting back to any issues.
Partway through the session last night I jumped in abruptly and said I needed to talk about something. I explained the above to her and how I felt about it. I asked her about one particular topic (among a few) that I really felt I wasn’t finished with yet. I think I even talked a bit about this in an earlier post. Just before my three-month break we were talking about my parts. After the break we never went back to this. I do take ownership of this because I could have spoken up and said I wanted to continue. In all honesty I’m not sure why I didn’t.
So my t and I discussed the ebb and flow of therapy. How it is fluid. She did say in hindsight that it might have been better if she had asked where I wanted to go with it. I do remember saying I wanted to try to identify the parts of me. We did work on that. She said she thought we were done when we had done that. In my mind I think I was starting to think a step further but didn’t give voice to it and then the break started. I guess in the end neither of us was very clear about the process of this.
But I guess that’s just it, therapy is a process. It doesn’t go from a to b with no deviations. My life is like a tangled ball of wool, everything entangled together.
All through therapy I’ve had to try to come to terms with how it works and put the obsessive need to be finished with an issue aside. I know being finished with an issue is being rather unrealistic at this time. In reality if you were to ask me what the finish of any one topic would look like I couldn’t even begin to tell you.
Even so, with the end of therapy I feel like it’s all unfinished business.