Therapy between my t and I has certainly changed. The feel of the conversation to me is like a couple of acquaintances chatting over a cup of coffee. Casual conversation about ‘ending’. Weird.
The casual appearance is easy since the inward is suspended animation. I’m not sure how I can go from feeling devastation to this non-feeling state. Maybe I should enjoy it while I can.
This session my t gave me a list of therapists she recommended to me. That was kind of weird as well. It makes me feel tired to think I will have to start over again. I still haven’t decided if I will ever do therapy again. This whole saga has taken a lot out of me. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m in limbo.
I also asked her if she would let me know about any therapy groups that may start-up that would be appropriate for me to take part in.
I finally got the courage to ask her if I could keep in contact with her after we’re finished. For some reason in my mind done is done. No contact allowed. To my surprise she said of course I could. I looked at her and said “I can?” She said I could email her, phone her or even drop in to say hi. That even surprised me even more. She knows I won’t take advantage of it. I rarely contacted her during our time together anyway. Even though I may not contact her, it made me feel better that the option is there. It won’t be a therapeutic contact but more like keeping in touch type of thing.
This session as we were talking about the above we started doing a project together. There is a special place where I like to hike. It is a very wild mountainous place. There is a river that winds its way through the area. The water is crystal clear and the rocks in this river are multi colored. Red, green, purple, black, brown, striped. It is wondrous to me and I have spent hours there. It’s a place that brings me peace. (even though I need to keep my eyes open for bears).
I went out there last week even though there is still tons of snow and collected some of these rocks. We spent a good part of this session writing down the words we will put on these rocks. My t and I will spend next session writing the words on them. Some of the sayings will be the words she has said to me over and over in last two years. Some will be reminders of what helps me through the tough times.
Doing this was like going down memory lane. Kind of bitter sweet.