We sit quietly working on the project together. We chat together about nothing really. I find this somewhat hard.  I’m not about to talk about anything in-depth and how much can I chat to my therapist and not invade her boundaries.  None of this feels real to me. None of this feels right.  This should not be happening.

I ask the occasional question about therapy.  I ask how will I know when I should restart therapy.  With her or with someone else. I ask if any of the therapists she recommended could handle that or that.  Stuff I might want to talk about that’s not so nice.  We decided next week we will talk about how I will know when to go back to therapy.  She will also help me make a list of questions I could ask potential therapists.

I act as if all is normal.  I’m pretty sure I’m not showing any outward signs of distress.  I seem to be acting as if this is an everyday occurrence that’s no bother at all.

Inside is another story.  But nobody will see, least of all my therapist. Not now. Not at this time.  I lived my childhood in a play.  Acting as if all was well when it was far from the truth.  I wish I wasn’t such a good actor but I don’t know how to be any other way.  Even after a few years of therapy I don’t know how to break out of that behaviour.  No yelling, no screaming here.  All nice and neat.

Two more sessions left. But hey, who’s counting…

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13 Responses to Tidy

  1. Sad that you aren’t able to express your feelings towards T right now. I wish you could let loose some of that yelling, screaming etc. 😦

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think I can’t because frankly, I’m finding this experience way to hard to handle. I feel it won’t be safe for me to let loose in any way. Especially if anything goes awry and there’s no ‘therapy’ to help me out. I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.

  2. Ellen says:

    What a painful session – it almost seems counter-productive, if you are using very old coping behaviors to get through it. It is a painful situation though, and it’s therapy that is causing it. Could you not express a bit of what you feel next time? It’s for your sake, not the therapist’s. I feel for you, having to go through this maze.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I agree with you in that it is counter productive in many ways. There have been times over the last few months I think that I’ve been just torturing myself. Trouble is I like this therapist and it’s been hard to let go. Anyway I hope that I will at least say something about how I’m feeling to her.

  3. Clueless says:

    I wish that you would allow yourself to show your therapist your feelings…I know that you know that would be the healthy thing. A also know that I’m not sure I could do this either. What a time for mixed feelings. (((hugs)))

    • lostinamaze says:

      Mixed feelings is so right. There is so much going on inside about it I think it just paralyzes me. My head and heart are not on the same page. Frustrating.

  4. it will come out in its own time. when you are ready to express it, when you are ready to share it and when you trust enough to let someone see it. just give it time, dont force it. can i blogroll you? xxx

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think you are right about that. I’m beginning to realize that I may have to work some of this out with someone else. But at the same time it may take some time to go down this trusting route again. No prob about the blogroll. I will do the same for you.

  5. Harriet says:

    It must be so difficult. I can understand why you don’t want to open up to her about how you are feeling since there are only two sessions left. She must know a little of how you feel, it would just be common sense, but she doesn’t seem to be asking questions does she?

    • lostinamaze says:

      Interesting that you should say that about the questions. I have been wondering that myself. I’m pretty sure she knows how I feel since I didn’t react very well when she told me we were done. But I haven’t really said anything to her since. Maybe she wants me to say something first. Maybe that’s some technique they use.

  6. JBR says:

    Dear one I certainly understand as well. When you are placed with a time limit on healing, that is a big no no in my book. It did not take over night to go through the abuse. And it certainly will not take over night to be set free.

    Sure, all t. is different. Some are private practice and expsensive as all-get-out. Then you have your corporations, with sliding scales etc. But, we can just afford so much, so we take what we can.

    Even what you shared in this post, not even being specific with your pain, still shows how you are much more comfortable sharing with your readers than your t. It is like there will always be someone here reading your blog and supporting you.

    I hope I was not just rambling…..

    Safe hugs to you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I guess that’s why I’ve been confused about the long term vs short term therapy. I don’t think abuse can be always be dealt with in short term therapy. I also think the place I go to just recently decided to do the short term thing. It wasn’t that way when I first started.

      I am more comfortable sharing here and in many ways I’m more honest. I have a hard time being more open F2F with my t. Deep down I fear the repercussions that may come from openness. Or some such thing.

      No you are not rambling, it makes sense and there is truth in it.

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