Confused as Ever

I forgot today what my t and I were going to do this session until she mentioned it herself.  It seems all things have gone out of my mind except for confusion.  I’m also struggling with dissociation now.  A little more than I normally have.  I know this is happening now because I’m having trouble with time and I feel like I’m in my alternate universe.  The good thing is that I have been able to recognize this.  This is one of the things I have learned about through therapy.  I didn’t know what was going on with me before. I just thought I was this really weird person.  Then again maybe I am 🙂

So tonight we made a list of questions I could ask a potential new t.  Some of the questions are; What are your fees, do you do a sliding scale? Do you do long/short-term therapy?, do you have experience with trauma, dissociation, and some stuff I can’t remember.  Are you comfortable with discussing sexuality ? (I’m not).  What approach do you use in therapy?  I think there were some other questions but I can’t remember.  My t is going to type them out for me.  That’s good because my memory has been crappy lately.

We also talked about how I would know when it was time to go back to therapy.  We have talked about this several times but I hate this subject since I actually don’t feel ready to leave.  I had a hard time answering this but did eventually come up with a few things.  I said I probably wouldn’t recognize when things were getting out of control.  I did say to her I would know if things were spiraling down if my bad parts were more dominant then the good.  I tend to get really reckless and push the limit.  I love the thrill.  My suicidal thoughts will become all-encompassing.  I will become closed off and will shut down which leads me to start isolating myself but not necessarily in a physical way.  I start closing off my mind. But my worry is I won’t realize this until things are really out of control or I will become defiant about how I’m feeling.  The leads to ‘I don’t need you, I can do this on my own thank you very much’.   So am a little worried and nervous but I’m hoping it won’t come to this.  I don’t want what happened to me before I started therapy to happen again.

And this is where I got a little confused well maybe a lot.  We talked about coming back when I wasn’t doing well when she said “how about coming back when you are still feeling good and working on the stuff you feel you haven’t finished with”.  The first thing out of my mouth was “that’s acceptable?”.   She said “of course”.  A conversation starts in my head.  My logical self says ‘we are ending now because of the agency’s new policy on doing  short-term therapy vs long term’.  Another part says, ok, if that’s the case why are we ending now.  I am doing better than when I started and there is still a lot of unfinished business.  Back and forth it goes until confusion reigns.  Should I or shouldn’t I go back to therapy, should I or shouldn’t I go back to her, do I even need therapy?

Amidst of all this going on within me my t and I explored the issues I felt I still needed to work on and needed support with.  This wasn’t hard at all.

Have I said my head hurts?

This entry was posted in Anxiety, Attachment, Dissociation, Therapist, Therapy. Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Confused as Ever

  1. I want to scream ‘Go back to her and therapy!’ This is what I felt when reading your post… it made me so sad to read that you are having to leave when it is so clear that you are not ready yet. Hope you dont hear that as an insult… I meant that in a really caring way. I just wish that whatever happens, that you will be able to work through the loss of this relationship with someone who understands.

    • lostinamaze says:

      No insult taken. Believe me I struggle with this myself. I just need to give it some time so I can hopefully make some rational decisions about what I should do.

  2. It sounds like you need therapy to recover from therapy. *sigh*

    I get so frustrated when places impose their agenda on a client. I know short-term therapy works for some individuals, but for the majority (and certainly with trauma/dissociation) long-term therapy is necessary. If only for the safety and consistency factor!

    • lostinamaze says:

      yeah…it’s kind of ironic in a way. I seem to have bad luck when it comes to therapy. Consistency with therapists has unfortunately not been my experience at all. The current t has been the most consistent of them all but the ending…not what I would prescribe to anyone. Safety becomes a concern for me now. double sigh

  3. Ellen says:

    I”d be confused also maze. What you T is trying to do is not making sense to me. You’re ending therapy because of administrative type reasons – the agency that’s funding it mandates short term therapy. Fine. So now you T is also suggesting that there’ll be a ‘time to return to therapy’, as if you were ending it now for some internal reason? That doesn’t make sense. You need therapy now it seems like. Suicidal thoughts, dissociation, a feeling that things may fall apart – those are all reasons for therapy now. So to put you into this position of trying to decide when you’d need more therapy doesn’t make sense at all. How much worse would things have to get? No wonder you’re confused and can’t remember what she said. It’s complete nonsense as far as I can see. It seems like the T is trying to rationalize a bad situation.

    I understand you’re attached to her, and it must be so painful to be leaving. Hope you don’t take this the wrong way – I’m just angry on your behalf. The good thing is, this too shall pass, and hopefully it will be a learning experience for you. take care

    • lostinamaze says:

      I feel like asking my t if she thinks I really need more therapy or not or am I just being needy. Logically I think I know what’s happening but if I really think about it I really don’t understand it at all. Nothing about it makes sense to me either. (light bulb moment) In the end it’s just all words to me. It’s my experience of it that’s impacting me. Time and distance will help for sure.

  4. No wonder you are confused. I hate that people have to leave therapy before they are ready. Whats the point in being dumped out before you can cope. it takes the purpose out of therapy. In much therapy you have wounds opened and pain exposed, and what can possibly be gained from having the ‘security’ and support of therapy whipped from under you before you can close and heal those wounds? makes me so angry. xxxx

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thing is she thinks and says I’m ready and have been taught good coping skills. This is at best part truth. I am doing better than when I first started. But I was at a point were I was starting to be able to open up with the deeper stuff then slam your done now. How do you respond to that? I can’t. Not yet.

  5. One long journey says:

    So in suggesting that you come back when you are feeling good but not finished with working on things, was she suggesting you could come back to her?? That really does not make sense to me – she knows you don’t feel like you are finished with working on things, right?

    I can see why your head hurts. I liked your description of “closing off your mind”. I know exactly what that is like.

    Take care of yourself.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Yes she knows, I’ve told her a number of times. She’s says her door is always open and I’m welcome to come back to her when an issue comes up that I feel I need help with or when things feel like they are going out of control. She said that I don’t need to wait until things are out of control in order to see her that I can come back at some time to work on what I feel is unfinished. But it will be short term. Probably a max of four months. Can I do that? Not sure.

  6. I hate all these mixed messages you’re getting from your T. Such a difficult situation. I know I couldn’t cope with a here-and-gone type of therapy. We’re always here for ya love.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Sometimes I wonder what is going on with her. She must know I like black and white but there seems to be all this grey going on. I have a hard time figuring out grey. Thanks for being here…

  7. onthewaynow says:

    Uh…… man I am confused. I can certainly understand your confusion. Sorry for your confusion. (**JBR scratches her head**)

  8. onthewaynow says:

    B/t/w JBR is a friend of mine. 😉 Told me about you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Sometimes I wonder why I’m confused. Maybe I’m not grasping something or maybe I’m missing something that has been explained to me. I dislike being in a state of confusion. So I hope time will help with that. Thank you for stopping by.

  9. attached says:

    I’m confused too. I’m also sorry for the pain that has been caused by the short-time limited therapy that seems to be the only thing your T has been able to commit to. I’ve been reading your blog for years but I rarely comment but I wanted you to know that reading about your experiences has really helped me in my own journey through therapy and life. I wish there was more I could do beside read. I would also like to ask your T why she can’t explain in a way that you could understand.

    I hope writing things out helps you to sort things out for yourself,

  10. lostinamaze says:

    Writing these things out does help me. I’m glad what I write has also helped you. Sometimes I wonder if anyone can make any sense of it. 🙂 I have found reading blogs has been helpful to me as well. Often I wonder why I’m having a hard time understanding. I wonder if what she is saying is not quite connecting with me somehow. Maybe it’s because I just don’t want the end to happen. All I know for sure is it will take me some time to process this. I do find it a support whether people comment or just read. Thank you.

  11. Harriet says:

    I can understand your confusion, I totally don’t get it. You have to end now, but you can come back anytime, and you should come back before things get too bad. Well, that is now! This must be so painful, I’m sorry this is happening to you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      So true Harriet. I don’t think and t and I are on the same page with this one. What she is saying to me and what I’m feeling don’t match at all. Plus she seems to kept throwing in these addendum’s to the ending of my therapy. Maybe that’s why I feel so confused by the whole thing. She took away my black and white. Too many confusing choices now.

  12. Thinking of you, dear ((((hugs))))

  13. Deb says:

    It is SO unfortunate when “policies” are more important than “people”. This is so overwhelming!

    • lostinamaze says:

      It has been hard to deal with but who can fight against policies? It has been a frustrating and discouraging experience. I’m thinking a private therapist may be the way to go rather than an agency based one.

  14. mile 191 says:

    thankful i found your blog today. you write what i understand feeling. i am hoping the best for you, as i struggle right now. it is so real and so frightening. best to you.

  15. JBR says:

    Dear one just saw this post. Been out of it for a while. I am here always listening though. Safe hugs.

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