I forgot today what my t and I were going to do this session until she mentioned it herself. It seems all things have gone out of my mind except for confusion. I’m also struggling with dissociation now. A little more than I normally have. I know this is happening now because I’m having trouble with time and I feel like I’m in my alternate universe. The good thing is that I have been able to recognize this. This is one of the things I have learned about through therapy. I didn’t know what was going on with me before. I just thought I was this really weird person. Then again maybe I am 🙂
So tonight we made a list of questions I could ask a potential new t. Some of the questions are; What are your fees, do you do a sliding scale? Do you do long/short-term therapy?, do you have experience with trauma, dissociation, and some stuff I can’t remember. Are you comfortable with discussing sexuality ? (I’m not). What approach do you use in therapy? I think there were some other questions but I can’t remember. My t is going to type them out for me. That’s good because my memory has been crappy lately.
We also talked about how I would know when it was time to go back to therapy. We have talked about this several times but I hate this subject since I actually don’t feel ready to leave. I had a hard time answering this but did eventually come up with a few things. I said I probably wouldn’t recognize when things were getting out of control. I did say to her I would know if things were spiraling down if my bad parts were more dominant then the good. I tend to get really reckless and push the limit. I love the thrill. My suicidal thoughts will become all-encompassing. I will become closed off and will shut down which leads me to start isolating myself but not necessarily in a physical way. I start closing off my mind. But my worry is I won’t realize this until things are really out of control or I will become defiant about how I’m feeling. The leads to ‘I don’t need you, I can do this on my own thank you very much’. So am a little worried and nervous but I’m hoping it won’t come to this. I don’t want what happened to me before I started therapy to happen again.
And this is where I got a little confused well maybe a lot. We talked about coming back when I wasn’t doing well when she said “how about coming back when you are still feeling good and working on the stuff you feel you haven’t finished with”. The first thing out of my mouth was “that’s acceptable?”. She said “of course”. A conversation starts in my head. My logical self says ‘we are ending now because of the agency’s new policy on doing short-term therapy vs long term’. Another part says, ok, if that’s the case why are we ending now. I am doing better than when I started and there is still a lot of unfinished business. Back and forth it goes until confusion reigns. Should I or shouldn’t I go back to therapy, should I or shouldn’t I go back to her, do I even need therapy?
Amidst of all this going on within me my t and I explored the issues I felt I still needed to work on and needed support with. This wasn’t hard at all.
Have I said my head hurts?