Crashing Down

I feel like everything is crashing down.  Therapy has ended but something much, much worse has happened.

A couple of weeks ago when I was on my way to see my pdoc I received a phone call.  My mother admitted herself to the hospital the night before.  I wasn’t surprised that we found out nearly 24 hours later.  My mother keeps to herself.  She keeps things at a surface level even with us kids.  She never says much about anything.

Apparently she had pancreatitis.  She was in major pain. One of the first things the doctor asked us was how much had she been drinking.  My mother hasn’t drank for about 33 years now.  I had a fleeting thought that maybe she was drinking without us knowing.  I quickly dismissed that thought.  I knew she wasn’t drinking.  We were asked that question a few times.  I could tell that the docs didn’t believe us.  I talked to the nurse about it and she said to stick to our guns with our belief.  She said the docs were making assumptions and jumping to conclusions for no reason or evidence to do so.  She told us there were other reasons people suffered with this.  She is right as we were about to find out.

My mom hasn’t been feeling well for a while now.  She kept saying she had the flu or some such thing.  She wouldn’t go to the doctor.  In fact she hasn’t been to a doctor for 37 years.  She is very private about her body – to an extreme.  Many times over the last few years I’ve tried to get her to go see a doc but to no avail.  Until she ended up in the hospital.  Even then she told us she would only be in there for a couple of days because it was only the flu.  She ended up being there for a couple of weeks.

Near the end of the second week her lipase levels started going up again.  They got them under control and then decided to do a CAT scan.  They found a large mass in her pancreas.  They told my mom they would like to do another CAT scan and probably a biopsy.

They told her they are positive it is cancer and because of the largeness of the mass, it is inoperable.  She checked herself out of the hospital that day.  Against the doctors recommendations. She is at home now and my sister took some time off of work to be with her.  She can’t be alone.  On Friday I will be going to see her.  I live in the next province about two hours and a half hours from her.

I am the chosen spokesperson when it comes to my mom.  My sibs tell me I’m the only one she listens to.  I will be telling her she can’t live alone anymore.  She has to come to live with my sister and I or go to an assisted living place.  And I’m sure soon we will need to look at palliative care.  This all really sucks.  She is a very stubborn woman. I hate that this has to happen.  I know we need to give her some time to process all that has happened to her in the last few weeks.  She is scared. First her very beloved cat disappeared just before she went into the hospital, then she finds out she is dying, and now she has to be uprooted from her home and circle of friends.

There is a lot of stuff I need to do concerning her property and affairs and I don’t want to do any of it. I shouldn’t be doing this yet.

I can’t even begin to tell you how I feel.

fuck…just fuck

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7 Responses to Crashing Down

  1. Oh lost, this is awful. I really feel the unfairness of this on top of everything else you’ve had to deal with. I am sorry, and I’m thinking of you and sending love and strength your way, xx

  2. Ellen says:

    Maze I’m so sorry…I’ve recently discovered also that family illness suddenly means a lot of work and contact that I didn’t want. My mother is similar in that she doesn’t complain or mention her health to anyone until she collapses and needs a hospital. I know you will tap into your courage and strength to get through this. Good luck

  3. Oh how terrible 😦 Remember you can always use your blog as your outlet. We will be here for you. Much love and hugs. XX

  4. Hello Lost,
    I’ve been a quiet reader for a while now and just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I went through almost the exact situation with my father two years ago and it was very difficult. I’m sending good thoughts your way.

  5. JBR says:

    Dear one I am very sorry. Safe hugs to you.

  6. unrealme3 says:

    I teared up during the end, I can feel the hurt in your words. All the periods between your thought’s just explains your emotions very well. I am so sorry to hear of everything that is happening on your mom and how much this is surely hurting her and your family. I will pray for you guys and hope you continue to update us.

  7. lostinamaze says:

    Thanks everyone…I really appreciate your thoughts…

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