My last therapy session was hard. But in many ways I’m glad it’s finally finished. I found it extremely hard to have a long drawn out ending. Since my first break I had stopped sharing anything deeper with her. I couldn’t go there knowing it was ending soon anyway. What was the point. I know I withdrew almost back to how I was when I started.
I knew when it finally ended I didn’t want to have any regrets. With things left unsaid or things I shouldn’t have said. Even though I think therapy ended at a bad time and my t didn’t handle it very well, I still like her. I didn’t want to burn my bridges. I know I’m being wishy-washy, I just can’t help it. That’s how I am for better or worse. Having said that there is a lot of anger swirling around inside. I just suck at expressing it. I needed to say some things to her. I’m conflicted by the feelings that swirl around inside. I like her, I’m angry at her, she helped me, she’s no different from the rest of the people who have left me, therapy helped me, therapy screwed me over, and so on it goes.
The way I handled the last session was so I could find some sort of closure. The only way I could be in this session was diplomatic. The diplomat, that’s me. Good things came out of therapy. I learned a lot about myself. The why’s of why I’m the way I am.
The nice side of me wrote the letter to my t. Everything I wrote was the truth. And I meant everything I wrote. I wanted to tell her my experience of the therapeutic journey and some of her part in it. She did help me, in ways that my last therapist couldn’t.
What I didn’t write in the letter was how the end of therapy and the conflicting messages I was getting; hurt, confused and made me angry. I did tell her verbally, in a diplomatic way, how I didn’t think therapy should be ending. Some of the depth of what I was feeling has only been expressed here. Even if I never expressed it here I would have not said it to my t. I rarely do in real life. My mistrust ended up growing stronger within the relationship in the end. I did allude to this very briefly but in the end I needed my nice side to be the most present. Because that’s how I want to remember it. I needed it to end on a good note after all the badness of the ending. I’m really trying not to throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak.
ps: the anger side will have a say…