With some reluctance I met with the CBT therapist. The only reason I agreed was I knew we wouldn’t be talking about trauma issues. She doesn’t do trauma and besides I’m not ready to go there. I don’t think I can trust another therapist with those issues right now.
But dealing with the mental illness is a little different for me. I haven’t dealt with this with a therapist. Everything I’ve done to try to work with it I’ve done on my own. I know I’ve come to a plateau with it in the last few years so maybe a therapist can help me progress further.
Thinking about dealing with this makes me very nervous. It’s something I’ve tried to ignore even though it impacts my life a great deal. I’m still not convinced entirely that it’s a ‘real’ mental illness. I have read this online “Agoraphobia is NOT a mental illness, nor is it a symptom of mental illness; agoraphobia is a behavioural modification to prevent high anxiety, nothing more”. I’m not really sure what to believe. I do know the development of this in my life drastically changed it.
My pdoc thinks it’s severe, I don’t. Of course I tend to think that of the things I deal with in my life. I’ve come a long way since I was first afflicted by agoraphobia and panic disorder. So what if I can’t go to many places that I used to. At least that’s what I like to tell myself. Deep down I would like to do what I used to without giving it another thought.
Another thought came to me as I was thinking about this therapist. Maybe seeing the CBT therapist will help me be able to gain back the confidence to go back to a therapist for my trauma issues. Because the thought of seeing another therapist causes a huge wall to slam down even though I know I still need the help.