It was left up to me to make the next appointment with the CBT therapist.  She suggested that I make it in two weeks time.  To be fair, she left it up to me because of my work schedule.  I work seven days a week and it’s hard to fit things in.

I haven’t made the appointment yet.  Every time I think of it I start feeling discouraged and a lot of other things that I can’t seem to figure out. I start wondering if it is worth it.   The thought of working with another therapist feels like an insurmountable wall even though what I will be doing is totally different.  I know all therapists aren’t the same but sometimes I struggle not to generalize my experience to all of them.

I also think that deep down there is fear of pushing against my physical boundaries that are in place. I have already worked hard on my own to expand that zone but it hasn’t grown in a several years now.  There are still many places I can’t go to, my travel is limited to certain areas, there are still items I must carry and safety behaviours that I engage in when I do go places.  It is all rather tiresome and it makes me feel rather quirky (which it is I’m sure).  I really do want to get past this but…  The thing is there was a time I could do most anything without a second thought.

So my coping skill at this moment is withdrawing into my shell just like a turtle.  So much for healthy coping skills.  I have no energy for them anyway.  I will try to stick my head out long enough to make an appointment.  Maybe next week.


This entry was posted in Agoraphobia, Anxiety, Change, Control, Panic Disorder, Therapist, Therapy, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Turtle

  1. So understanding you right now Lost… Your confusion and your procrastination… It’s fear. Fear tries to hold us back ALL the time.
    I get it that, right now, just LOOKING ahead makes your legs feel too weak and mind too weary to even begin to face the challenges / obstacles that appear to lie between you and the help available.
    I want to encourage you though Lost.
    Stay in your shell for a while. Gather some strength, and then try to step out and have a go.
    Put some blinkers on though… Don’t let ourself look further than the very next step.

    Much love.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Even though I know I need the help I feel if I reach out I will get hurt again. Fear is strong, I hope I can be stronger when the time comes. The obstacles that are within me are daunting.

  2. Diver says:

    Being a turtle isn’t so bad. Aesop would’ve probably likened ‘normal’ folks to rabbits and so-called ‘agoraphobics’ to turtles. And we all know what happened in that story …

    Quirky? Wow, I reckon ‘quirky’ is WAY more interesting than ‘not quirky’. I’m thinking of that movie ‘Amelie’ now.

    That’s two big plusses as I read it ma’am, well done!

    Yours in turtling, Diver

  3. Did you ever make another appointment?

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