I don’t care any more.
That’s what first comes to mind when I think about going back to therapy. It makes me wonder how I can swing from caring almost too much to ‘who cares’. I have been mostly ignoring this but lately I’ve taking a peek at why this is so.
I was utterly devastated when I found out my t was ending therapy. More than I thought possible. At the time I had no words for what I was feeling. I just knew it was happening. The end didn’t abruptly happen but I was given some months to allow for the process of ending.
I’m not sure how one processes the ending of therapy especially when I wasn’t ready for it to happen. I just know that I used the last months of therapy to pull back into myself. As soon as I knew the end was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not I started creating distance between myself and the therapist. Actually that’s probably a lie. There was instant distance between her and I.
I wonder if I processed this ending properly. Even in my uncertainty in this, I lean towards ‘I don’t think so’. I processed this and reacted in the way I would have when I was a child. I didn’t and still can’t think of my therapist’s reasoning for ending in a rational way. Then again, maybe there was nothing rational about it. And maybe that’s why I have found it so confusing.
If I allow myself to look deeper within there is fear and deep mistrust. I fear reaching out again because I know now what I’ve known all along. There are no guarantees this won’t happen again. Somewhere along the line within the relationship with my t I must have lost sight of that. At the same time I must have hoped against hope that this time it would be different.
I also think there must be a way to let someone help me while at the same time realizing they are only human and serious mistakes will be made. There’s got to be a way to keep one foot in safety and one foot in vulnerability instead of all one or the other.
But if I look even deeper and be honest with myself, it all comes down to one thing. It is really hard to admit, to myself and to you.
I am deeply hurt. There I said it.