I don’t care any more.

That’s what first comes to mind when I think about going back to therapy.  It makes me wonder how I can swing from caring almost too much to ‘who cares’.  I have been mostly ignoring this but lately I’ve taking a peek at why this is so.

I was utterly devastated when I found out my t was ending therapy.  More than I thought possible.  At the time I had no words for what I was feeling.  I just knew it was happening.  The end didn’t abruptly happen but I was given some months to allow for the process of ending.

I’m not sure how one processes the ending of therapy especially when I wasn’t ready for it to happen.  I just know that I used the last months of therapy to pull back into myself.  As soon as I knew the end was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not I started creating distance between myself and the therapist.  Actually that’s probably a lie.  There was instant distance between her and I.

I wonder if I processed this ending properly.  Even in my uncertainty in this, I lean towards ‘I don’t think so’.  I processed this and reacted in the way I would have when I was a child.  I didn’t and still can’t think of my therapist’s reasoning for ending in a rational way.  Then again, maybe there was nothing rational about it.  And maybe that’s why I have found it so confusing.

If I allow myself to look deeper within there is fear and deep mistrust.  I fear reaching out again because I know now what I’ve known all along.  There are no guarantees this won’t happen again.  Somewhere along the line within the relationship with my t I must have lost sight of that.  At the same time I must have hoped against hope that this time it would be different.

I also think there must be a way to let someone help me while at the same time realizing they are only human and serious mistakes will be made.  There’s got to be a way to keep one foot in safety and one foot in vulnerability instead of all one or the other.

But if I look even deeper and be honest with myself, it all comes down to one thing.  It is really hard to admit, to myself and to you.

I am deeply hurt.  There I said it.

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20 Responses to Deeply

  1. Grace says:

    I hear your pain and confusion in your writing and relate to it very much.
    if you do figure out a way to balance safety and vulnerability in the therapeutic relationship, please let me know. I haven’t found a way either.
    Sending you peaceful thoughts~ Grace

    • If ANYONE ever finds that balance, dear God, please blog about it.

      (((((Lost))))) Our losses are not completely the same, but they are not so different either. It will likely be with you for some time to come. It will ease though.

      • I was thinking about your post over and over today. Did you realize you started out by saying you didn’t care, but at the end, you talked about how MUCH you care by feeling hurt?

        I kept thinking about how you know that this kind of disappointment can happen again, but hope that it will be different. I often think about the same thing. I mean, no one is perfect, we’re going to be let down at some point by everyone. I’ve read so much about how the transference relationship is never fully worked through either. What the hell is the point then?

        Ugh, sorry for adding more questions to the mix. I wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you, though. ❤

        • lostinamaze says:

          Sanity I hope it eases sooner than later. The loss of a therapist before you’re ready, not so nice.
          I didn’t really think about it but you’re right, I wouldn’t be hurt if I didn’t care. It’s a defense response for me I suppose. One time I commented to my t that I didn’t think there was any transference going on in our relationship. Interestingly enough she agreed. At the time I really believed it but now I know different. I don’t fully understand it, maybe I should read some books on it. Thanks Sanity, I always appreciate your thoughts.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you Grace, I really appreciate it. I wonder if it is even possible to find that balance. I also wonder if it is something I can only learn through a safe therapeutic relationship. (whatever that is) And said therapist would have to have loads of patience with me. I have way more questions than answers about the ‘therapeutic relationship’ these days.

      • I just wanted to respond to this comment by saying that I’m glad you have more questions than answers – I hope that means you will be able to challenge a therapist enough to know if they are safe enough before you go too far with them.

        And I’m glad you were able to say it. I’m sorry it hurts, but SO glad it is voiced.

        Love to you,

        • lostinamaze says:

          Even though I find it frustrating to have these questions, you’re right, because of them I hope I will be more prepared in finding a new therapist. I walked into the previous relationship totally blind. I hadn’t even heard of a ‘therapeutic relationship’ before. Maybe that’s a good thing 🙂

  2. Ellen says:

    I hear how deeply hurt you were by this maze. I think you are processing this now, in your own way, partly by writing about it.

    IMO, you should take steps in any future therapy you do to find out right from the start what the policy or plan is regarding terminating therapy. Is there a limit to the number of sessions? Who decides when it’s time to stop therapy? You could maybe briefly mention your painful last experience, if you want, or you wouldn’t have to. The therapist must give you this information from the start. There may be hard and fast rules in place that have nothing to do with you or your needs, and you should know them before you start so you can be prepared and can figure out what you want to invest in the process.

    I think I’ve mentioned this before, but the best way to have therapy on your own terms is to pay for it I think. With managed care, insurers or other organizations are determining how much therapy they are willing to fund. Someone is always paying, and the one who pays calls the shots. Believe me, I know it is expensive, but when you’re working, you may be able to afford it. I pay for therapy instead of taking a lot of holidays or buying furniture or other extras. To me it’s worth it – it’s my life that seems to be at stake, is how I look at it.

    take care now

    • lostinamaze says:

      When I decide to start looking again I will write out these questions to ask. I know I would never remember what to ask otherwise. They are what I really need to know now that I’ve been through this experience.

      I haven’t thought about the agencies in that light before but now you mention it I recall my t talking along those lines in some of the general type conversation we would have. It is a not for profit agency with stakeholders and is funded primarily through grants and donations. You are right there are strings attached to such funding. I didn’t know this and when we talked about this I didn’t connect it to how it would affect me. Rather naive of me. Also the rules changed partly through my time there. More then likely my next therapist will be private in realizing the funding issues and rules. Thanks Ellen for your perspective, I tend to lose sight of this sort of thing in my confusion.

  3. Lily says:

    My t dropped me as a client last year because I broke a contract with her in regards to SI. I was devastated. I never really thought about not finding someone else because deep down I knew I still needed help, regardless of how hard it was going to be to transition to someone new.

    As much as I absolutely hated my old t for doing this to me, it has turned out to be one of the best things to happen in my life. My new t is amazing. Like literally might be the most awesome person I’ve ever met. She was everything my old t was not, plus more.

    Had I not had some (unconscious) faith in taking the plunge again, I would have never found her.

    I pray that you will continue to seek help and find someone who is “the one”. The one that can help you in the way that you need.

    Glad I found your blog. I’ll be adding you to my blogroll!

    • lostinamaze says:

      Deep down I know I still need help but I’m so reluctant to try again. But there is a part of me that is telling me there just may be a therapist out there that is better for me than my former t. That maybe my former t took me as far as she could. I hope to find that ‘one’ but I’m not sure how to go about finding her/him. Thanks Lily for stopping by, I will add you to my blogroll as well.

  4. JBR says:

    Glad you said it. I would add, “If it was me,” not only being hurt, but angry. Whether righteous or not, I would be angry as well. Until I could process the whole thing. Still…… hurt would be the number one. Dear one I am so very sorry what you are going through. Here listening and safe hugs to you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thanks JBR, I’m sure anger is a big part of it. I’m not sure how to express anger in a healthy way though. Maybe if I start to see someone else they can help me with it. Another good reason to see someone else is that I don’t think I can process this on my own. Not entirely anyway. I don’t understand what is going on inside of me half the time.

  5. Leslie says:

    I wanted to share this article about a study that monitored panic attack suffers for pre-cursory signs of a oncoming attack.
    The researchers in this study tracked the patients physiological changes and saw very real changes in the way the body handles stress and that this likely has a cumulative effect to inducing the onset of the panic attack.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you for the link. Interesting information. Whenever I have been asked what started the panic attack I’ve always said they happened suddenly. Without warning. I have learned through therapy that I’m mostly unaware with what is going on in my body. And so it seems this holds true for the panic attacks. It would be nice if there was a device I could wear that could warn me that changes are occurring that could lead to an attack.

  6. JBR says:

    Just came back by to give you a safe hug dear one.

  7. Maryann says:

    I too ended therapy way too soon. Or, I really should say my ex-t ended therapy way too early with me, at least in my opinion. She equated it with a mother bird pushing her baby bird out of the next. Let me tell you, she was wrong, totally-freaking-wrong.
    I was crushed, and I stayed crushed for about 5 years. I tried many therapists after that, I tried not going to therapy, I tried CBT, but nothing worked. Nothing until I finally met my current t. She’s not perfect cause she’s human, but she’s perfect for me.
    Like you, I needed to talk, and talk…..and talk about the whole client-therapist thing. And we still talk, and she makes it safe for me to talk.

    I wish for you the same. She has made all the difference.

    Take care

    • lostinamaze says:

      My therapist used the same analogy with me. I almost told her that not all birds fly when they are pushed out. Many die. It’s awesome that you have found a therapist who lets you talk this out. I’m hoping for the same thing when I decide to start therapy again. I really need to work this out with someone.

      • Maryann says:

        I really hope you find someone. It was hard for me, mostly because I thought (think??) I was crazy for how I responded and how it was all consuming. I lived with it in my head for so long.
        Please know that it’s not you, your ex-t was wrong.

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