“How does it feel to you?” she would ask. “What do you mean ‘how do I feel’, I feel nothing” I would respond.
“What emotion are you feeling?” she would ask. “ I’m not sure”. “I think I feel something but I can’t explain it to you” I would say.
“Where do you feel this in your body?’ she would ask. “That’s kind of a strange question”, I would reply. “I feel nothing in my body except maybe general anxiety all over”. “Is there anywhere else you feel this in your body?” “No” I would say, “I don’t feel much at all.”
“Where do you think this comes from?” she would ask. “I don’t think it comes from anywhere”, I would reply.
“What do YOU think about this?” “I’m not sure what to think,” I would say. And more than once I would say “How should I think?”
These were some of the questions my therapist would ask when various things would come up in conversation. I found them frustrating and I had a hard time answering them. Even after the session I would think about what she asked me and could not come up with any answers. Besides being frustrated about it I also found it puzzling. Why can’t I answer them? What is wrong with me?
Before I started individual therapy I went to a 12-week therapy group. I would remember when these questions came up within the sessions most of the people could answer them. How could they answer and I couldn’t? I remember thinking that the reason I couldn’t answer these questions was because I didn’t need therapy after all. What I went through didn’t affect me like it did the other people in the group. After all I didn’t feel anything.
In individual therapy these questions kept coming up and as I started expressing my frustration my t would help me explore them.
I did learn one thing.
I am a stranger…to myself.