Fourth and Fifth Sessions

Something happened in the fourth and fifth session that broke through some of my defenses about therapy.  Well not really during the sessions but after the sessions.  It’s put me into a big funk along with everything else that is going on.

In the agency where the group therapy is they require us to fill out a questionnaire at the beginning, middle and end the 10 week group therapy.  The questions are about how you felt during the last week and are rated from never to always with everything in between.

In the fourth session we had to do the questionnaire for the second time. One the of the questions something like ‘how often you’ve thought of suicide in the past week’.  I answered without thinking ‘frequently’.  Apparently that caught the attention of the facilitators.  After the session they asked if I would stay behind for a moment.  They started questioning me about the suicide thing.  I started to get all defensive about it.  It’s been my experience that therapists can be fairly reactive about this and I was ready for it.  Except that didn’t happen.  I was caught off guard with the way they approached it.  They asked me questions about what was going on for me and how could they help.  I explained what suicide was for me and all that surrounded my way of thinking about it.  In the course of the conversation one of the facilitators said she lost two brothers to suicide.  After about 45 minutes of talking with them they asked me if I would phone one of them if things got too overwhelming. I said I would even though I know I would not.

As we were talking I could feel my defenses slowly disintegrating.  I could feel by they way they were treating me that they were coming from a place of concern and compassion for me not a place of fear or a place of protecting themselves or it’s their job to ask.

After the fifth session they called to me just as I was about to walk out the door.  They wanted to check in with me to see how things were going for me.  They also thanked me and told me they appreciated my honesty about suicide and the few other things I told them.

I found their concern hard to deal with and it brought about a vulnerability I’ve tried hard to keep walls around.  It opened some of the wounds I was feeling with my old t.  I thought I was over it all but I guess not.  The problem is I need to find a way to deal with it before I drown in it all.  It put me into a funk I haven’t been able to shake.

The facilitators of this group are nice, too nice. They both gave me a hug.

This entry was posted in Abandonment, Attachment, Control, Hurt, Relationships, Therapist, Therapy, Trust, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Fourth and Fifth Sessions

  1. JBR says:

    You know it is true. It is “in the approach.” I am sure there are some t. out there that would panic at the word “suicide.” Especially on their watch. Others, like your facilitators, came at a more compassionate concerned approach. Not having their finger ready to dial 911. Not making a sensitive matter go crazy.

    I am glad you have those two and you are feeling a bit more comfortable. Thank you for sharing dear one. Safe hugs to you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      My experience is with therapists going into panic mode and then it seems that’s all they want to talk about. I find it frustrating. These therapists caught me off guard with the way they approached it.

  2. willfindhope says:

    I think it’s great them two facilitators are genuinely caring and concerned for your safety. x

  3. Amanda says:

    I’m so glad these two were so genuine with you. It’s not always the case, unfortunately. People like that often change the way we see things, the way we open up to others (or don’t).

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think you’re right. It’s the genuineness of it all I’m feeling. Others question but I’ve always felt they’ve done so because it’s just a part of their job. It did change something in me at that moment.

  4. katiel2078 says:

    I’m glad you have those two. I wish you had longer with them, or with an approach like theirs, if that makes any sense.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It does make sense. I would approach one of them to be my therapist but unfortunately they are with the same agency as my last t. I worried about starting with another t.

  5. Ellen says:

    It makes sense to me that you would feel worse in a way when the therapists show you compassion around the suicide issue. What I find is, I can have certain thoughts and feelings, and I know they are there, but they stay kind of unreal unless there is someone to care and hear about it. Once someone cares, it’s like something softens, and then it hurts like crazy. It’s like something frozen unthawing. It’s maybe healthier, but doesn’t feel that way.

    I hope you’re doing OK with it. take care

    • lostinamaze says:

      So true. I have found the caring hard to deal because I really don’t know how to. It does hurt and the kicker is I don’t have anyone to help me process this in real life. I’m hoping I can tuck this away when the group ends at least until I can find another t. I’m not sure if this is healthy but I’m not sure what else I can do.

  6. Harriet says:

    Your facilitators sound wonderful, but I can understand how you are feeling. Whenever someone is nice to me I start to cry. I don’t understand it, of course I want people to be nice to me, but on the other hand if they are just neutral I can handle it better. I like Ellen’s explanation. Having someone care is very difficult.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I find neutral is better too. What do I do with caring? I have found myself on the verge of tears at times when they are talking to me. Not normally me at all. I’m afraid if I break down crying I won’t be able to stop. It is way easier for me to care then be cared about.

  7. Lothlorien says:

    Awww….what a nice experience for you! Feeling genuine care……. I can see why it triggered up some stuff from the last T. Try to remember that this is different. You deserve care, and I’m glad to see you getting it.

    • lostinamaze says:

      For some reason I found it really triggering. I was certain I had it all nicely stuffed away. When I think about it this can also give me hope that there will be a therapist out there that I can work with. Now to just find them…

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