I left this session feeling despondent. It often happens when I start to feel some things may be unattainable for me. This group is about relationships. We have been talking about unhealthy verses healthy ones. We have been talking about healthy verses unhealthy boundaries. We have been talking about power and control verses equality. We’ve been talking about self talk, communication, and next we will be talking about anger and conflict. We have been talking about a lot of things surrounding relationships.
I have sat listening to the other group member’s relationships. I have sat and listened to them talk about their husbands, boyfriends and children. Everyone in this group has children. I have neither.
Near the end of the session we did an activity. We each picked a sheet of coloured construction paper. We were allowed to pick whatever colour we wanted. I chose pink. I really don’t like the colour of pink. But pink to me in that moment signified vulnerability. The colour of my heart and the colour under my skin. We were then given hands that were pre-drawn on a piece of paper. The hands were in various poses such as clenched, open-handed up, open-handed down. Some were touching or clasping another hand. We cut out the hands that we wanted to use and glued them on the paper arranged however we wanted.
We were asked two questions. What do you need to form a connection with others. What are the benefits you can receive from connecting with others. We drew symbols or used words on our paper in answer to these questions.
After we finished each one of us described our piece and what it meant to us. I kept staring at mine and I could feel myself spiraling down into something. At the end each one of us was asked how we felt about the session. Most said they really enjoyed it and got a lot out of it. I was honest and said I felt discouraged or something.
When I was looking at my piece of work I started wondering if this was attainable for me. If I could truly form a deeper connection with someone in real life. I have plenty of “how’s the weather” connections but I can’t seem to get past the “whatever” it is that stops me from going further. I have been like this since I was a child and wonder if it is possible to change something that is so ingrained in me. The protection I created within myself feels so strong I’m not sure I can overcome it. It’s discouraging. I hate when this happens because I don’t know how to process it.
Each day I’m becoming more discouraged over this. I think I’m starting to realize what I’ve actually lost and may never have because of all the things that happened to me growing up.