Seventh Session

I left this session feeling despondent.  It often happens when I start to feel some things may be unattainable for me.  This group is about relationships.  We have been talking about unhealthy verses healthy ones.  We have been talking about healthy verses unhealthy boundaries.  We have been talking about power and control verses equality.  We’ve been talking about self talk, communication, and next we will be talking about anger and conflict.  We have been talking about a lot of things surrounding relationships.

I have sat listening to the other group member’s relationships.  I have sat and listened to them talk about their husbands, boyfriends and children.  Everyone in this group has children. I have neither.

Near the end of the session we did an activity.  We each picked a sheet of coloured construction paper.  We were allowed to pick whatever colour we wanted.  I chose pink.  I really don’t like the colour of pink.  But pink to me in that moment signified vulnerability.  The colour of my heart and the colour under my skin. We were then given hands that were pre-drawn on a piece of paper. The hands were in various poses such as clenched, open-handed up, open-handed down.  Some were touching or clasping another hand. We cut out the hands that we wanted to use and glued them on the paper arranged however we wanted.

We were asked two questions.  What do you need to form a connection with others. What are the benefits you can receive from connecting with others. We drew symbols or used words on our paper in answer to these questions.

After we finished each one of us described our piece and what it meant to us.  I kept staring at mine and I could feel myself spiraling down into something.  At the end  each one of us was asked how we felt about the session.  Most said they really enjoyed it and got a lot out of it.  I was honest and said I felt discouraged or something.

When I was looking at my piece of work I started wondering if this was attainable for me.  If I could truly form a deeper connection with someone in real life.  I have plenty of “how’s the weather” connections but I can’t seem to get past the “whatever” it is that stops me from going further.  I have been like this since I was a child and wonder if it is possible to change something that is so ingrained in me. The protection I created within myself feels so strong I’m not sure I can overcome it.  It’s discouraging. I hate when this happens because I don’t know how to process it.

Each day I’m becoming more discouraged over this.  I think I’m starting to realize what I’ve actually lost and may never have because of all the things that happened to me growing up.

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10 Responses to Seventh Session

  1. Ellen says:

    Ouch Maze. I think a lot of us who have been abused struggle a lot with trust and relationships. This is huge for me too, and I also feel alone and that I will never find a partner. It is a really lonely sad feeling and I sympathize a lot.

    I think the fact that you felt so attached to your previous T though shows that you are able to form very strong relationships. It’s not as if you don’t have that capacity, so that’s a very good thing. Just a matter of making that happen with someone suitable out in the world perhaps.

    Hope this anxiety eases up for you. take care

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thanks Ellen, I didn’t look at it that way. I did have a deeper relationship with my t. Now if I can only let the walls down and get through the fear. I think it also takes practicing it. Yikes!

  2. JBR says:

    I think realization is one of the main and first things we encounter about ourselves. I too Maze have “neither” when it would come to sharing about my husband/boyfriend let alone children. I would feel different. I believe there is always hope. Will take longer for us than some, because of our damaged parts, but I really believe we can make meaningful relationships.

    Here listening….

    • lostinamaze says:

      I hope you are right but there are times when I seem to lose that hope. Focusing on it has brought it out to the fore front once again.

  3. Harriet says:

    I also feel that I will never be able to have meaningful connections with people, because of my distrust and fear of being vulnerable, etc etc. It is very discouraging. I hope working with the group will help you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It is discouraging. I am learning some stuff with the group but it brings up my lack of being able to have a meaningful relationship in a very strong way and there really isn’t any way to work through it with the group. There just isn’t the time.

  4. ((((((Lost))))) I really felt for you reading this post. As the others have mentioned, I too share this struggle. I really hope that as you continue to work the group, these issues will seem more attainable to you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      There is only three more sessions left. But it has shown me what I need to work on if I am ever able to get a new therapist. Finding a therapist though seems to be a challenge for me.

  5. I too struggle with this. One of my biggest fears is being alone with someone, I just don’t know how to have small-talk (nice weather we’re having…) and at the same time I crave for a deeper connection.
    I hope you continue to benefit from attending this group, something I couldn’t ever do.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I struggle with small talk as well. I am getting better at it with some practice. But it’s not easy. For some reason the few groups I’ve attended have helped me a lot even though they take me way out of my comfort zone. It sometimes takes a lot of will power to attend and then to stay in the room. One reason is that I’m just not good at talking. 🙂

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