Eighth Session

She said she thought it was the best session so far.  I looked at the group member and thought “interesting, I thought it was the worst one”.  For me anyway.

They talked about conflict.  Not a good topic for me.  They talked about how conflict is a normal part of life.  That it’s unavoidable, it will happen.  They talked about communication skills in handling conflict.  And so on and so on.  I say ‘they’ because I didn’t talk much at all.

We did a short questionnaire that would tell us our ‘how we handle conflict’ style.  We had to put a number beside the question. We had to add up the numbers and my numbers that added the highest said I was a turtle. Yep, ain’t that the truth!

A few days distant from the session I’ve been able to think of what happened within it.

Conflict, just the thought of it brings up an unreasonable fear within me.  The consequence of conflict means horrendous fallout, it means somebody may die.  There will be violence involved in some form.  There will be blood shed, there will be weapons involved. And there will always be yelling.

As a child I tried to avoid conflict at all costs if I wasn’t involved directly in it.  I would hide somewhere in the house if I thought it was about to happen.  And as I got older I would on occasion even knock on a neighbour’s door and ask if I could stay there for a bit when my parents conflict got out of control.  I had to get away from the sights and sounds of the violence. Conflict always ended in some form of violence.

As I became an adult I’ve tried to avoid conflict at all costs.  If people start to get into an argument when I’m around I will try everything in my power to divert them from it.  And if an argument breaks out I freeze. I rarely argue with others and will find some way around any conflict that may involve me.

As I’ve thought about it over the last few days I’m starting to wonder if this has been a major roadblock for me in developing deeper relationships with people.  Healthy relationships or not there will be conflict.

Healthy conflict, mild conflict, it doesn’t matter.  That strong unreasonable fear rises up in me. I want to close my eyes and plug my ears.  The memories themselves may sometimes be muddled but the mind bending fear is as fresh as if it just happened yesterday.

In the eighth session they discussed conflict. In the eighth session I sat frozen. In fear.

This entry was posted in Anxiety, Control, Dissociation, Family, Father, Fear, Mother, Relationships, Terror, Therapy, trauma, Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Eighth Session

  1. Did you share your feelings with the group? Sounds like a trauma reaction to me, a freeze response. 😦 Sending big safe warm hugs. xx

    • lostinamaze says:

      No I didn’t. That’s been a problem with me – sharing deep seated feelings with the group especially in the moment. And also for some reason I don’t always know what is happening at the time. You’re right it’s a trauma reaction. One that I seem to experience over and over again. It’s frustrating to say the least. 😦

  2. Darn I forgot to check the notifications box

  3. Fight, flight or freeze responses… they talk about that in CBT type therapy.
    I identify with frozenness… It’s my panic reaction and it is, in a way, the most powerless of them all.
    I’m so sorry your experience of conflict has led you to this point. I know that conflict is difficult and uncomfortable but also know it can be healthy.
    Perhaps there is a way you could practice being assertive as a way of handling conflict situations without ending up either frozen, being hurt or being furious?

    Lots of love to you.

    • lostinamaze says:

      It does feel powerless and I’m not sure how to overcome it when it’s happening. I think I need to recognize it’s going on when it’s happening. They wanted me to practice some responses during that session but I wouldn’t. Someday I need to be brave enough to try.

  4. JBR says:

    It is always those t. session that we think did not amount to much, does… Safe hugs to you dear one….

    • lostinamaze says:

      I certainly learned a few things about myself from this session. And I know I have a ways to go in overcoming this problem.

  5. Ellen says:

    That you avoid conflict makes complete sense, given that kind of background. It’s too bad you couldn’t talk about it in your group, at least a little. My impression of your kind of group is that it’s almost like skills training though, rather than therapy. Which can also be valuable, but you might need and actual T to work through an issue that’s deep seated like your fear. take care

    • lostinamaze says:

      These sessions seem to be geared around CBT. There is a little therapy type stuff in there as well especially with the creative stuff. I’m realizing more that I will need to go back to a therapist to work on some of this stuff. There really isn’t much time to work in depth on anything within these sessions. Ans there is only one session left now.

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